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I should have taken the events that occurred the next morning as a sign, telling me not to get out of my bed, not to go to school, and just lay there for ever. First, my alarm refused to go off, meaning I was late in getting up. Next, the shower provide me with freezing cold water no matter how far I turned it toward hot. After the shower, while attempting to conceal the remainder of the bruises on my arms, the foundation spilt on to my jeans causing a fairly large stain, and forcing me to change my jeans, making me even later. I decide since I was late anyway I might as well have a cup of coffee to keep me awake. Upon entering the kitchen im greeted with a note taped to the coffee machine, it read “sorry, but the coffee machine is broke, I’ll pick one up on my way home” scribbled in black ink in moms hand writing. At this point I figured I had better head for my bus. Little did I know that id be walking to school since my bus had already visited my stop and disabused. Now all these events just prove a bad morning, but it gets worse.
I made it to school well after the first bell, no time to get to my locker and barely enough to get to my class before the late bell. my first class went on fine until ms. Barton asked who did the required reading and summaries, that’s when it hit me that the entire day id be the only one not to hand in anything. The days before I debated doing the work and reading hamlet but I figured the teachers wouldn’t expect any home work from a dead girl. Ms. Barton reached my desk and asked “where’s your homework valley?” valley as in valedictorian, which I was well on my way toward and everybody new it. “I don’t have it” I told her. “can u write on a piece of paper and tell me why you of all people will be receiving an ‘f’?” she told me, not asked. Great what was I supposed to do? Write down “sorry ms. B I couldn’t turn anything in to you or read a book that I love because I was attempting to kill myself.”
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- Title: relizing reality
- Artist: lifesux23
- Description: so this is an expert from one of my works in progress and latley its been lacking in progress. i need inspired so commonts are NEEDED
- Date: 09/05/2008
- Tags: relizing reality
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Comments (4 Comments)
- bluebird94 - 09/05/2008
- i agree with nephthys angel. even though this may be an excerpt, you should lead up to stuff like that. what went so wrong? i am also an amaetur writer. biggrin (check out my story too plz. search Roses- Chapter 1.)
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- Seshtah - 09/05/2008
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Apart from most of the stuff listed by the chick below me, working on spelling, capitalization and spelling would help out too...
To really judge this story fairly though, I think I'd need to read more...
Also, question of idle curiosity, does this character go around as Valley or will she actually get a name at some point that is used? Try including that in the explination about her nickname maybe? - Report As Spam
- Nephthys Angel - 09/05/2008
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*cont*
To be fair, you might be aiming for a story that takes someone who's life is "perfect" and reducing them to a more human level, but at the moment, it doesn't look like it.
I hope I'm not being too harsh... but I hope this also helps - Report As Spam
- Nephthys Angel - 09/05/2008
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Putting all of this into parragraphs would be nice. Its kind of intimidating to face an entire block of text on a laptop with a tiny screen. Its also easy to skip around on the sentinces by accident XP
Next, The last sentince comes out of no where. Try setting the reader up a little bit? Yeah, nothing going right does kind of do that, but if this chick was going to be valedictorian, why would she want to kill herself? - Report As Spam