• BENNY’S STORY
    --Part One--

    Would you believe me, that it was an accident? That I never meant for all this to happen? I mean…I never meant to be here, unable to move, see, or hear anything except my whimpering breaths and feel the pain that rages everywhere, not just my bleeding wounds? I mean…it happened, but it was never supposed to. I guess some people would see it coming, but do you believe me?

    Would you believe it if I told you it was an accident? That I really tried to keep it from happening?

    …

    Wait. I have some explaining to do. This is just the way events panned out, Mom, really. It started back in junior high, where every girl sees the guy she wants to be with forever. Some get him, some don’t. I didn’t, Mom, not at first. You see, things weren’t the greatest in Junior High. Weird things happen. You know that, you went through it. You lose old friends you used to be close to, you make new ones, people go away, whether moving or dying or different schools or whatever. Things just change in Junior High. No one means for things like that to happen, they just do.

    But yeah, Mom. My life changed, too. Some people don’t exactly realize just how tough it is to be a kid in middle school. And yeah, it’s harder in high school, but it’s easier, too. Middle school is just so different. It’s ridiculous. Either way, life will change in middle school. People change, clothing changes, styles change, everything will change.

    Including amounts of responsibility.

    You and Dad always told me not to do drugs, not to have sex, not to drink, all the usual stuff a kid hears from her parents. Abstinence and all that. And trust me, I tried. But it’s even more different in high school. Stuff like peer pressure comes into play. I didn’t even want to go to that party. But Chase was going, and Brenda told me that if I didn’t go, things would change ultimately between us. And I guess, at sixteen, you would believe that sort of thing.

    What would you say if I told you I’m unstable? That I’ve been going crazy for the past four years, since I started middle school? What would you say if I told you that the only reason Brenda is my friend is because she’s the only person in my entire school willing to cope with someone who’s insane?

    Because I am, Mom. I’ve been insane for a while. And that’s why I went to that party. Because Brenda told me to. Because I need someone like Brenda in my life. And because if I didn’t have anyone, if Brenda was gone, I would be gone, too.

    I can already see the expression on your face, Mom. You’re confused. You don’t believe me, whatever. But it’s all true.

    I went to that party.

    I went because I had to.

    Brenda made her boyfriend, Chase, drive us to the party. You remember him? From junior high? The little nerdy boy who was sometimes good at basketball? Well…he changed, utterly and completely. The summer between seventh and eighth grade, he shot up seven inches, got his braces off and his acne cleared up. He grew out his hair and got contacts. When he came back to school, he was hot. And guess who got him? Yup. Brenda.

    Brenda is so perfect. Blonde hair, natural curl, always thin no matter what she eats with the kind of body guys dream of. Short and sweet but nasty and sexy when she wants to be. Brenda is perfect. Brenda gets it all. Brenda is also my only friend. It’s weird…she’s a cheerleader, and I’m little miss Plain Jane, no one to really fit in with. But Brenda picked me up somewhere along the way. Don’t ask me. I don’t know how it happened.

    But she did make me go to that party. She makes me do a lot of things. “Benny, wear this shirt.” “Benny, don’t wear so much black!” “Benny, paint my nails.” “Benny, do this.” “Benny, do that!” It was always me following her around like her personal servant. They used to call us the twin B’s, never apart. Huh. If they only knew it was mostly one-sided.

    She made me go to that party, so we did. When we got there, there was a lot of “Omigod, BRENDA’S HERE!” With no regards to Benny, her little tagalong with the long dark hair that hid her eyes. Oh, yeah. That’s me, isn’t it, Mom?

    Brenda instantly flitted off, to go be with her posse. Abandoning me in that mess of emotional drama. There was loud music, people dancing on each other, couples hooking up all across the rooms of one of Brenda’s friends’ houses. There were even the little plastic red cups with you-know-what inside them. Don’t worry, Mom. I never touched it.

    Anyways, Brenda left, totally forgetting about me within five seconds of our arrival. With Brenda gone, I had nothing to do but sit in a chair with Makeout Boy and Sexygirl right next to me. I won’t go into detail. After a while, the two of them got really annoying so I left and found a new seat. It was towards the back of the room, and I didn’t realize that the DJ I was sitting next to was actually Liam until he started talking to me. Do you remember him, too, Mom? Liam! From elementary school! The kid I knew from fifth grade—he used to be as close to me as Brenda is…well…there are times when I don’t think Brenda actually cares. So closer. But when Brenda moved to town, that changed. I guess we drifted. But do you remember him? He’s gotten a lot taller, Mom, his hair is way longer, sandy and in his face. The brown eyes are still the same, though…and the lopsided smile. He gave me that smile at that moment.

    “Wait…” he looked at me, and looked confused for a moment. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” I wanted to shout, “Oh, my GOD, LIAM!! It’s been forever since I’ve seen you! I mean, what with Brenda and all, and her sweeping me off to forcibly break apart our friendship by sudden drifting! How’s it been?” But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Brenda would get mad. So I shrugged. Omigod, omigod, omigod, LIAM. I kept thinking. Liam, Liam, Liam. I hadn’t seen him in three years, hadn’t talked to him in four. And I shrugged?!

    “I do know you…” He still looked confused. The current song was still playing, so he obviously had time to talk to me. “….Oh!” It obviously hit him, right then, because he realized who I was. “Oh my God, Benny!” I could barely hear him over the pounding music. “How long has it been?”

    “Three years.” I said quietly.

    “What?!” He shouted.

    “Three years!” I yelled back, over the music.

    I couldn’t hear him say it, but I did see him mouth the word “Wow.” Liam sat back, pushing his hair off his forehead. I swallowed. God, I had missed him for these three years. But Brenda had told me he was too weird to hang out with anymore. And Brenda is always right. Liam looked back at me.

    “So, why you here?” He shouted. “I wouldn’t expect you to be here at a prep’s party.”

    “I could say the same about you!” I shot back, grinning so he knew I wasn’t being rude. “I’m here with Brenda. She made me go.”

    “Well, if you didn’t want to, you didn’t have to!” Liam looked a little confused. “If you didn’t want to come, why did you?”

    I almost said Because Brenda told me to, but I decided that would sound stupid. “I don’t know.” I decided on. “I thought Brenda would be lonely.”

    He looked at me weird. “Then where is she?”

    “I have no idea.” I shouted, a little embarrassed.

    “Lemme guess.” He said sarcastically. “She ditched you?”

    “No, no, nooo.” I said, waving it off. “Brenda wouldn’t ditch me. Especially at a party like this. She knows I would be uncomfortable.”

    Liam said nothing, seemingly mulling stuff over for a while. Then he looked back at me. “You wanna go catch up on things? It’s been three years! Let’s make up some time!” He looked so eager, so happy, and he was so Liam that I just had to agree. Even though Brenda would be mad. I grinned and nodded.

    “Alright, then.” Liam smiled, that same lopsided grin that I would always try to coax out of him when we were eleven. He picked up a microphone off of the DJ booth. “Okay, guys, the DJ needs a break. I’ll set up some songs to play for a while. Out.” Liam set down the mich, to a mix of boos and cheers. He put his hand on my shoulder. Jeez. I forgot how godforsaken tall Liam was. “Let’s go.”

    I followed him through the crowded room. I caught Brenda’s eye across the room and gave her a thumbs up, mouthing “Liam!!” to her and grinning. She just watched me, an expression of surprise on her face. Liam and I left the party—well, the main part of the party—and headed out to the back patio. We sat down on some of the patio chairs, away from the rest of the people out there, and just talked. It was like we were trying to cram three years into two hours. And somewhere in there, it happened. We were laughing about something, talking more than I have ever talked to anyone before—even Brenda!—and he just…put his hand on mine. We both stopped laughing after a moment. Just looked at each other. And eventually…it happened. He just…kissed me.

    It was unexpected, but not entirely. I mean…it was Liam. You know him, Mom. My best friend before Brenda. And these three years? I’ve missed him so much. And for a while, everything was perfect. I had Liam back, Brenda was okay, she wasn’t yelling at me, and I. Was. Happy. That doesn’t happen all that often. We used to be so close…and then Brenda showed up and it was like Liam had never been here at all. But now…Liam was back and we were together. It was perfect…but nothing stays perfect for long, Mom. Nothing ever stays perfect.

    You see, Mom…Brenda had been watching. Brenda was angry. I was doing something wrong. Brenda is always right. Liam is off limits, she told me that a while ago. He’s too different from everyone else…too weird. Too…Liam. But Brenda saw me, Mom. And she wouldn’t listen to me. She wouldn’t listen to my apology. She confronted me the day after the party, the day after Liam asked me if I wanted to go to the movies some time. We were at her house, Mom. You remember that? The first day I came home early from Brenda’s since I met her? Yeah…we got in a fight, Mom. I felt terrible. I still feel terrible. Brenda is always right, Mom, always! And I…I didn’t listen to her. I betrayed her, Mom. I didn’t mean to…but I did.

    Brenda told me not to. Brenda’s always right. Brenda got mad at me. And I deserve it.

    It wasn’t a good fight. Fights never are. I told Brenda that I was happy. And I was, but she didn’t understand.

    “I don’t want you dating him, Benny.” Brenda told me, crossing her arms and inspecting her fingernails. “He’s just…not right for you. Liam is…shall we say…different. Not your type. Honestly, Benny, I don’t see you dating anyone.”

    I was speechless. Brenda was right. She always was. No one would ever love me…but…Liam had kissed me…and told me that he wanted to see me again…But was he telling the truth? That’s when I knew it. I thought it, and felt instantly terrible for thinking it. Brenda was wrong. Brenda was wrong. For the first time ever, Brenda was wrong about something, Mom! Anger, uncontrollable, and maybe irrational, gripped me.
    “Brenda.” I said quietly, angrily. “Brenda. I am a sixteen year old girl with questionable sanity. You have told me many times that I’m a borderline lunatic who should be locked up. I am. I know that.” I felt tears coming and didn’t bother holding them back. I felt the tears streak down my cheeks. Silent. My voice didn’t waver as I continued. “I have found someone who holds me together just as well as you do, if not better than you ever did. If you were a friend who actually cared about me, then you would be happy. You would be so happy for me, Brenda.” I glared at her. “Why aren’t you happy, Brenda? Why?! Do you care?! Do you?!”

    She watched me coldly for a long time. Her voice was icy when she finally spoke. “I guess I was right about you. You’re a worthless little girl who should be locked up. I couldn’t care less about what Liam does. Or you for that matter. I hope he breaks your heart.” Brenda pointed to the door. “Get out.” Without speaking, I did. I left Brenda’s house for the last time, angry beyond words and without saying goodbye to her or her parents.

    So I hope you understand the kind of person Brenda really is, Mom. You should know. I hope you do, now. That might help you.

    I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on Brenda’s face when I left. That much hatred can’t be safe in one person, Mom. It’s just not right.

    But when I came home that night, did you see it, Mom? That’s probably the most open I’ve ever been with you, ever. The closest I’ve ever come to telling you everything going on inside my head. But I didn’t. I just went into my room and burst into tears. You never saw. I’m a good actress. I should join the drama club.

    After that one night of torment, I felt better. I haven’t lived without Brenda since the fifth grade. It’s different…but it’s okay. At least I had Liam.

    Mom. Did you notice that I said had?

    I’d never known the depth of Brenda’s power until I betrayed her by going out with someone she told me not to. But Brenda would surprise you, Mom. Really.

    I knew she would do something to get back at me. But when I came to Liam’s house to pick him up for our ‘date,’ (he didn’t have a car—yet another reason he wasn’t Brenda-dating-material) guess who was on the front porch? You guessed it, Mom. Brenda. How she knew the exact time I’d be there, how she timed it to be right at the moment I drove up, they were together. Connected. At the lips.

    Liam couldn’t see me from his position. His eyes had to be closed. Because Brenda turned her eyes in my direction. She raised her eyebrows.

    And she winked.

    So.

    Mom.

    I think this explains things. For something like that to happen, for Liam to be there, with the two of them together. I made the wrong choice. Brenda was right.

    She’s always right.

    I made the wrong choice in betraying her. And I deserve everything I got. I deserve all I’m going through. Everything. I deserve it.

    So would you believe me if I told you it was an accident? None of this was ever supposed to happen, and I don’t thing that Brenda meant for any of this to happen, either. But it did. This needs done. I deserve it.

    I’m scared, Mom. Right now, I’m terrified. But it needs done. They say suicide is the one way to really hurt your parents. I just want you to know that there was nothing you could have done. Nothing at all. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to be I pain. It’s not your fault. Do not blame yourself. Do not blame Brenda. And please, please don’t blame Liam.

    I just want you to know that I’m sorry, and I love you, but this is something I have to do.

    The rope hurts on my neck.

    I’m scared, Mom.

    I love you, but I’m unlovable.

    Brenda was right.

    Brenda is always right.

    I love you.

    Goodbye.




    Forever.



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