• Intense Dispute Between a Man and a Woman Over the Existence and Worth of the Strong Feeling of Passion, Otherwise Referred to as Love

    Or
    (Love In The Park)


    (A sunny scene in a city park. Birds can be heard chirping loudly off stage and a MAN is dancing around with much flourishing of the arms.)

    MAN
    (Singing all you need is love by The Beatles, horridly off key.)
    Love, love, love. All you need is love, love is all you need!

    (Enter young WOMAN dressed in pajamas with her hair messed up and looking livid.)

    WOMAN
    (Angrily)
    Hey!

    (Man stops singing and looks up quizzically)

    MAN
    (Politely)
    Yes?

    WOMAN
    (Still angrily)
    What do you think your doing?!

    MAN
    (Gently, thinking she doesn't understand.)
    Well, I think I'm singing. And dancing. Can't you see that?

    WOMAN
    (Exasperatedly)
    Of course I can see that! What I want to know is why!

    MAN
    Why what?

    WOMAN
    What do you think?!

    MAN
    Why am I singing?

    WOMAN
    Obviously!

    MAN
    (Looking consternated and then smiling in understanding.)
    Oh. You want to know why I am dancing and singing in the middle of the park.

    (Woman waits expectantly for an answer. After a couple of seconds of waiting she speaks again.)

    WOMAN
    Well?

    MAN
    Well what?

    WOMAN
    (Loudly)
    Why are you singing in the park at 6 o'clock in the freaking morning?!

    MAN
    (Dramatically)
    Oh, That. Because, Madame, love is in the air!

    (Woman gets a disgusted look on her face.)

    WOMAN
    No it is not! The only thing that is in this foul New York air is smog and vomit-inducing sewage fumes!

    MAN
    (Unperturbedly)
    There is no need to worry about such things when there is love.

    (Man breaks out singing again.)

    MAN
    There's nothing you can do that can't be done, nothing you can sing that can't be-
    (He is interrupted by the Woman yelling at him.)

    WOMAN
    Shut up! What is wrong with you?!

    MAN
    Why are you so negative?

    WOMAN
    Why am I so negative? You want to know why I am so negative?

    MAN
    Yes please.

    WOMAN
    Fine, I'll tell you why I am so negative! Maybe it's because I was working until 2 A.M. last night and today is my day off, the only day out of the week that I get to sleep in, and I am woken up at 6 A.M. by obnoxious birds chirping shrilly outside my window-

    MAN
    I think the birds sound lovely.

    WOMAN
    -And some shmuck wailing his lungs out in the park!

    MAN
    (Quietly)
    Well, you wouldn't be so pessimistic if you were in love.

    WOMEN
    (Sarcastically)
    Oh yes. You know what, you are absolutely correct!

    MAN
    Yes, I know. Thank you.


    WOMAN
    I am going to fall in love with the first guy I see. We will live happily ever after, because we are in love!

    MAN
    Sounds reasonable.

    WOMAN
    Who cares if neither of us can earn an honest living, because love will pay our way!

    MAN
    It is very valuable.

    WOMAN
    So what if we get evicted from our apartment, love will definitely shelter us! Big deal if we can't eat, we shall sustain ourselves on love! Because all you need is love!
    (Man thinks deeply, then smiles.)

    MAN
    Yes! Exactly! I'm glad you finally got it I was worried you wouldn't.
    (Woman begins shaking with anger.)

    WOMAN
    (Screaming)
    I was joking you imbecile! You can't live on love alone!

    MAN
    Love overcomes all obstacles.

    WOMAN
    Oh sure. What about global warming? Can love prevent that?

    MAN
    Who needs icebergs when you're in love?

    WOMAN
    (Shaking her head.)
    You are by far the most asinine human being I have ever had the displeasure of meeting!

    MAN
    Obviously you've never met very many people then.

    WOMAN
    I'm not going to stand in the park in my pajamas and have an argument over the worth of love with the likes of you! I am going home, no more singing!
    (Woman turns to leave, when she does man begins to sing once again.)

    MAN
    There's nothing you can know that isn't known, nothing you can see that can't be shown!

    (Woman yells and rushes at him. She grabs his shoulders and begins shaking him rigorously.)

    WOMAN
    STOP IT! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! Enough with the singing! No more!

    (Man simply smiles calmly until woman stops shaking him.)

    MAN
    Are you mad because you wish to sing too?

    WOMAN
    NO! I don't want to sing with you! I would rather shove bamboo shoots into my own fingernails! What I want to do is go back to my house and lie in my bed and go to sleep without having to hear you singing or ever hear the word love again!

    MAN
    (Incredulously)
    Why would you want that? Life is an empty shell without love.

    (Woman rolls her eyes.)
    WOMAN
    You sound like a 96-cent romance novel.

    MAN
    You sound like a loveless old spinster.

    (Woman glares angrily at him.)

    WOMAN
    Oh you're a real charmer! What poor girl fell in love with you?

    (Man shuffles his feet and looks down at the ground.)

    MAN
    Well, you see… I'm not actually in love with anyone at the moment.

    WOMAN
    Then what on earth possessed you to sing so ridiculously?!

    MAN
    Well, I watched a really good movie last night.

    (Woman stares at him in disbelief and begins laughing.)

    WOMAN
    Let me get this straight. You get a hold of Moulin Rouge or something and now you're all high on love fumes and you're full of joy so you decide to express yourself in the park?

    MAN
    (Defensively)
    NO!
    (Then under his breath)
    It was Romeo and Juliet.

    (Woman begins laughing uncontrollably)

    WOMAN
    (Wiping tears from her eyes and trying to contain her laughter.)
    Romeo and Juliet? You are a manly man, aren't you? You do realize both lovers die pointlessly don't you?

    MAN
    (Dramatically, he gets on one knee.)
    But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? 'Tis the east, and Juliet is the sun! Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief!

    WOMAN
    The whole point of the play is how pointless love is. Being in love did nothing good for Romeo and Juliet; they would have been better off if she had gone with Paris and he with Rosalyn. They both died tragically, and for no reason!

    (He acts as if he can't hear her and goes on with his one-man performance.)

    MAN
    (High pitched, impersonating a woman.)
    O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father, refuse thy name!

    WOMAN
    (Horrified)
    Are you quoting it?!

    MAN
    (Still high-pitched.)
    Or, if though wilt not, be but sworn, my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet!

    WOMAN
    Stop that! You can't just quote Shakespeare in the middle of the park!

    MAN
    (Louder then before, still high-pitched.)
    Come gentle night, come loving, dark browed night! Give me my Romeo and when I shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he shall make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world shall be in love with night!

    (Woman grabs her hair out of anger, and yells. She turns around, and the Man stands up and begins singing the same song as before, making a point of being louder and more out of tune than before.)

    MAN
    Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be. It's easy!

    (Woman rushes from stage in a fury, she returns with a POLICE OFFICER. She points at the Man who is vocalizing the word 'love'.)

    WOMAN
    This man is disturbing the public and refuses to stop singing that song! Either force him to stop, or detain him!

    (Officer taps man on shoulder. Man stops singing and turns to the Officer. Woman watches them with a smirk.)

    OFFICER
    Sir, why are you singing that song?

    MAN
    Well Officer, love is in the air.

    (Officer scratches his head for a moment. Then sniffs the air.)

    OFFICER
    It does smell rather like love, don't it? Hmm, how about, hmm, have you tried a different song? It seems as if that lady is just not a fan of The Beatles.

    WOMAN
    It's not that! I just can't bear to—

    MAN
    I couldn't think of any good ones. I just thought love, and then Beatles.

    OFFICER
    Hmm, how about some Queen? Somebody to Love maybe?

    MAN
    I don't know that song, how does it go?

    OFFICER
    Can anybody find me somebody to love? Each morning I get up I die a little, can barely stand on my feet!

    (Officer begins singing, showing the man a dance that goes along with the song. Woman watches with horror. Slowly she puts her hand over her mouth and begins sobbing hysterically. She walks slowly off stage, still sobbing, and the lights go off with the man and officer dancing and singing. Off key.)