• “Duuuuuuuuuude. I totally found it!”
    Reggie Juanito was the most pointless waste of matter in the world. And he just found it. His friend Juan Reggito was gawking and gaping and throwing up and gawking and tying his shoe and gawking. His hair was a little sweaty, and he looked kind of flustered, so he was only gawking at half his gawking power. Juan had a firm jaw. He had eaten a lot of gumballs in his life, and he had adapted super human mouth related abilities. Meanwhile, Juan was gawking. Reggie had found it.
    “So I was going to get that new CD, right? And I stopped in that one store! You know that one that sells ink cartridges? Yeah, well you know that smelly hobo that sits in the front? He asked for a nickel. I said, ‘I don’t have a nickel.’ He said, ‘Okay.’ I said, ‘Sorry.’ And then I went in the ink cartridge store. It was cool.”
    “Those hoboes are trifling.”
    “Yeah so the ink cartridge store was out of ink cartridges. Imagine that. Anyway, one of the employees had a bag of potato chips. So I bought those. Then I found out that they were ranch flavored, which is trifling.”
    “Was that it?”
    “No. It was trifling.”
    “Right.”
    At this point Juan had stopped gawking and was instead staring at a trifling hobo. The hobo was staring back, too. The hobo was staring in a caring way, with his head tilted on one side, with a casual grin that didn’t spread very far, but pretty far for a casual grin. He mouthed the words, “I love you” and Juan looked away. Then it started raining. The rain was thick and heavy. Reggie put up the umbrella he was holding a minute ago and covered himself, but not Juan. Juan was stinky.
    “So then the potato chip cracked and about a fourth of it fell on the ground. The rest were those little pieces that when you put them in your mouth they cut your gums/roof of your mouth. Then I saw the CD store. It was yellow. Like the sun. One time I stared at the sun, and I got skin cancer. I got this brown lump and I had to get it removed. Now I have this awkward hole in my back. There were some hairs in it too. It runs in my family. I walked in the store, and guess who I saw?”
    Juan was busy. He had started gawking again.
    “I saw Jeff Goldblum. He was like hey. I said, ‘Aren’t you Jeff Goldblum?’ He was like, ‘Yeah.’ Then a booger shot out of his nose. It was so trifling.”
    “So Jeff Goldblum bought me the new Death Demon Killer Murder CD. Then we put it on the CD player in his Camry Accord. It was like, ‘Deathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’ It was so awesome. Then the second track was like, ‘Deathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’
    It was like the best CD ever.”
    “Was Jeff Golblum or the CD it?”
    “No. But Jeff Goldblum was close.”
    Then Reggie looked up. Do you know what he saw? The sky. It was blue. There was a bird in it. It was yellowish, like the sun, you know, the thing that gave him skin cancer. It said, “Tweeeeeeet.” That made Reggie smile. It made the trifling hobo smile too. Then Reggie kept going.
    “So Jeff left. Then I remembered that I forgot the CD in his car. So I decided to go look for it. I went to the pharmacy and oh my god did I see this awesome pack of tissues. It was blue, right? And I had a picture of Johan Håstad, and Pippin from Lord of the Rings. It was also in a pentagram shape. I was cool.”
    “Was that it?”
    “Heck no. They had free samples. So I took one. It was pink and blue. What’s that color called?”
    “Lilac.”
    “Right. So the lilac tissue was really scratchy. It was useless, so I dramatically threw it on the ground. I raised it in the air, the slowly moved my hand down until I finally dropped it. Everyone in the store gawked. It was awesome. Then this little kid started crying.”
    Reggie remembered the event. And he shed a single tear. Just one.
    Then Juan finally got something written about him. But it wasn’t long.
    “Then he spilled my tears on my new blouse. My blouse was yellow. It had a little cute monkey on it. It also said, ‘Too Cool to Talk to You’. Then the drop slowly moved past my shirt collar, and down my stomach. Then it fell off. So then I saw this radish. This radish was so red that I decided to buy it. I bit into it and it tasted really gross. It was not it. So I left.”
    Meanwhile, Juan was on his laptop checking his stocks. Then, suddenly, an advertisement popped up. The ad was pink. It had a picture of poorly drawn pig eating bacon, which is ethically completely wrong, and it said, “The Ham Hut has all your dead pig/turkey needs!” Juan clicked the link, but it sent him to a You-Tube video called, “Crying cat eats a snake.” Juan decided to not watch it. Instead he posted a video of himself playing a clarinet then eating a sub sandwich. Then he waited for the hits. And so he waited. Decades passed. Then, finally, Juan clicked refresh to see if he had any hits. Then he saw it. One whole hit. (Juan was unaware that the hit was from him, so don’t’ tell him.) Juan was proud. Then Reggie continued.
    “So then I went into the International House of Gelatin. You know, IHOG? So I got this huge plate of Gelatin. You know what that’s made of? Boiled animal fat. That’s made of Collegan. That’s a big, fibrous molecule that makes skin, bones, and tendons both strong and somewhat elastic. So then I ate some and boy, was it good. It was Diet Pepsi flavored. That was the best I’ve ever had. Honestly.”
    Then Juan finally said something. He said, “Listen man. I’ve fought in eleventy wars, married seven wives, had eight kids, tied forty shoes, ate sixteen pounds of pure lard, killed Darth Vader, captured most of India and seven acres of Kentucky, fought seven drunks, fought seven hippies, fought seven cops, and fought seven wives to the death. And Diet Pepsi is disgusting. Now please tell me what it was.”
    Reggie looked baffled. He couldn’t understand what Juan was saying. Then he did.
    “Oh that. Why didn’t you just ask that in the first place. Well,
    obviously it was--”

    But he didn’t have time to finish his sentence. Suddenly, giant frogs started raining from the sky. Juan noticed that the frogs were saying ribbit. Not that it was odd. Most frogs say ribbit. He just noticed it. Then the sky got really dark. Almost as dark as black but a little lighter. Not grey though. I really don’t know what to call it. Then the strangest thing happened. Antarctica exploded. It blew up like the Death Star, if the Death Star was rigged with nukes and C-4. Juan guessed that Communist Terrorist Imperial Republican Drug-Dealing NRA Members did it. He never found out though. The thawed ice flooded the world. Juan died gawking.