• Act 1/Scene 1

    [The lights come up on Monera High’s Cafeteria. It is essentially one long white table at center stage, one small circular table. There should be eight chairs arranged on the side of the long table facing the audience, with one or two chairs at the round table. There is a doorway upstage, where the students enter with their lunch trays. The walls are decorated with various school-type posters. The whole area has the look of being cared for, but worn. ]

    [Students are milling around the tables, with bookbags, ad-libbing various conversations about summer vacations and adventures. IZZY and RACHEL are seated at the long table, fairly near the center.]
    IZZY: [excited, fidgeting] So… um, good to be back?

    RACHEL: [utterly without enthusiasm] Oh- yep. I was really looking forward to another year in prison.

    IZZY: [smiling nervously] Yeah, I know. Me too. [However, it is clear that for the moment, she is enjoying school. [After a brief pause; during this line, BRENDAN enters SR with STAVVIE and MONTY trailing behind him.] I’m looking forward to drama, though. Four plays a year, one right after the other. Woo!
    BRENDAN: [“playfully” whacking IZZY with a book] NERD!

    IZZY: Jerk!

    BRENDAN: Yep…but you love me for it, and allow me to borrow money in spite of it. [turns to MONTY and STAVVIE, who stand beside him.] Hey Monty, how’s- OH MY GOD, STAVVIE DIDN’T DIE!

    MONTY: I KNOW. [HE and BRENDAN seize STAVVIE in a rib-pulverizing hug.]
    STAVVIE: Always the tone of surprise.

    IZZY: [laughing- assume this is true of almost every line unless otherwise noted] I think I heard something crack.

    RACHEL: You probably did…we’ve all been on the receiving end of a Bre/Mon hug. My shoulder hasn’t been the same since I got back from vacation in the fifth grade.

    MONTY: I missed you! Don’t leave me again!

    BRENDAN: Me either!

    STAVVIE: [looking at BRENDAN, exasperated] I don’t even see you in the summer, Brendan. [THEY bury their faces in STAVVIE’S shoulders.] Okay, okay…maybe I missed you guys. [MONTY, BRENDAN, and IZZY look up, delighted- though IZZY quickly looks away, to RACHEL’S amusement.] A little bit. On weekends.

    STAVVIE: That’s how he exists.

    IZZY: [looking wistfully up at the clock, ALL OTHERS freeze as the lights dim and a spotlight appears on IZZY] Well, exactly one minute left until a New Year in the glorious kingdom of Monera High. “Prison”, according to Rachel. She’d be right, kind of. It’s confining, and uncomfortable. There are people here, so of course things are lot more complicated than they need to be- and a lot more hurtful. But it has its good points- most of us are sitting right here. [grinning]

    [SFX: school bell ]

    IZZY: Time to go!

    [ALL unfreeze, reacting to the bell. OTHER STUDENTS scatter off SL. IZZY, RACHEL, STAVVIE, BRENDAN, and MONTY form a loose group upstage of the other students, ad-libbing amongst themselves briefly before going off SL as well.]

    [BLACKOUT]

    [When the lights come up again, the stage is bare except for a plain black flat covered with various posters and notices; which has two tables against it, covered with random clutter- wigs, makeup, prop guns, ancient hairspray, etc. This is backstage in Monera’s auditorium.]

    [The CAST from the cafeteria is assembled here, with some new faces: FI, a freshman like MONTY, and LOUIS and MAY, two senior friends. They sit together in a loose knot.]

    LOUIS: [hugging MAY and BRENDAN] Wow…it’s been a whole day since I’ve seen you guys- I felt so empty!

    MAY: [patting him on the back] Aww, I love you too, Lou. [looking at her underclassmen friends] WOO HOO, ONE MORE YEAR!

    [The CAST ad-lib about their summer vacations excitedly as MR. BROOKS, a fussy, verbose drama teacher enters SL. THEY continue to talk until MR. BROOKS’ first line.]

    MR. BROOKS: [glaring at STUDENTS] EXCUSE me. [THEY stop their talking and look at him.] Welcome to Monera High School’s drama program. I am Mr. Brooks, your teacher- rather, mentor for this school year. Consider me your introduction to the wide and wondrous world of the theatrical! Now, normally, this is where I’d introduce you all to each other, play a little charades, and do some other fun little exercises for you novices… [LOUIS, MAY, IZZY, and STAVVIE react in disgust to being called novices] but do to some scheduling problems and delays, and…well, other things that occurred last year, I’ve decided to speed things up a tad, mmkay? [without waiting for a response] So, you’ll notice I divided you guys into groups as you came in the door…

    BRENDAN: [under his breath] No way we could know- especially since we’re sitting in the groups. [ALL but MR. BROOKS giggle.]

    MR. BROOKS: And that’s because I’ve given you guys a part! [waiting for an excited reaction from his audience.]

    [A brief pause as the CAST react, mostly in confusion.]

    LOUIS: A part?

    IZZY: [disbelieving] What do you mean, you gave all of us a part?

    MR. BROOKS: [irritated] I meant that there were two parts: Sara and Meredith, the cheerleaders. But since this is a show with a cast of ten, and I have a class of thirty students, I cut up their lines and distributed them amongst the eight of you. So now, you play the cheerleading squad! [waiting again for an excited reaction. After a few beats, he realizes there will be none and continues.] So, onward and upward, merry players…the play’s called Principal, Dearest. It’s a wonderful, nostalgic romantic comedy, set in the fifties- think poodle skirts and doo-wop! In the play, the cheer squad is kind of like a…a…a Greek chorus, providing exposition and plot details. So keep that in mind as you practice. I’d tell you more about the show, but I have to give out instructions to the other groups…here’s a copy of the script you can all share today. [tossing a small paperback book onto the floor in front of them] I’ll have copies for all of you tomorrow. Your specific lines are marked with pencil. Break a leg! [saunters off SR]

    MONTY: [in a high-pitched, whiny imitation of MR. BROOKS] EXCUSE me. Onward and upward, merry players! [in his normal voice] I hate him already.

    STAVVIE: That’s Brooksy. To know him is to loathe him.

    [IZZY, LOUIS, and RACHEL are huddled around the script, apparently talking amongst themselves.]

    BRENDAN: We’re guys. Why are we cheerleaders?

    FI: Why did he quadruple the number of lines?

    STAVVIE: Why do we ask?

    MONTY: Good point.

    FI: Are things always like this?

    STAVVIE: No, normally we’d waste a few more weeks before this.

    FI: Joy.

    RACHEL: This is pretty much the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.

    LOUIS: Excuse me, but were you here for Three Billy Goats Glam?

    RACHEL: No.

    LOUIS: Then I respectfully submit that you shut the hell up before he finds something worse.

    IZZY: Well…it doesn’t look like we don’t have to do anything too hard- oh. Oh god.

    [ALL turn to look at IZZY.]

    MAY: What?

    IZZY: We have to do cheer routines.

    LOUIS: Excellent. We can do that today.

    STAVVIE: What?

    LOUIS: Today, we can just dance around and stuff. For cheer routines. That way, Mr. Brooks thinks we’re actually being productive. And [looking over IZZY’S shoulder at the script] since I am apparently the captain, I’m in charge! Yay!

    MAY: [exiting SR] I think I have a CD in my bag.

    STAVVIE: [getting up and walking towards the prop table] And somewhere in all that crap, we have a CD player.

    BRENDAN and MONTY: [leaping to their feet] And we have DANCE SKILLS!

    [MONTY spins out from BRENDAN’S arms, attempting a split and falling over. Seeing MONTY’S fall, BRENDAN merely takes a clichéd and campy dance pose.]

    IZZY: Yep. Those are some serious dance skills right there.

    [During MONTY and BRENDAN’S failed attempt at dance, MAY returns SR with a CD case. She crosses upstage towards STAVVIE, who has unearthed a CD player at this time. During this same interlude, RACHEL and LOUIS have been perusing the script, quietly discussing things among themselves. As MAY and STAVVIE fiddle with the CD player, LOUIS and RACHEL stand.]