• Now I'm sure you've all heard the stories about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer but you never hear about his half-brother Randolph. That's probably because poor Randolph was known as The Red-Assed Reindeer, (due to the special gene he and Rudolph had) and he had a personality to suit it. Randolph was often found drowning his sorrows at the North Pole Bar, being the b*****d half-brother of Rudolph had perks and problems. Randolph had most of the latter; he was hot-tempered and when he got angry his mouth rivaled a long shoreman while his a** shined as red as Rudolph's nose.

    As fate would have it, one year Rudolph fell very ill, causing his nose to dim dramatically, and Santa needed a guide in the nasty blizzard. Desperate to get his toys delivered, Santa went to the bar and found Randolph asleep in the corner (obviously drunk from egg nog). Santa sighed and slapped Randolph's face. Randolph's a** lit up as he jumped to his wobbly back legs and swung his front hooves to ward off his "attacker". Santa handed him some hot cocoa and explained the situation. Randolph's a** dimmed from its bright hue as he heard about his ailing brother and his opportunity to take on Rudolph's role but he did not agree until Santa explained about the little boys and girls.

    Randolph was placed at the head of the team but they had concluded that he would have to run and fly backwards while angry for him to be of use. Santa assigned his two leads Dasher and Dancer the task of keeping Randolph angry in order to keep his a** lit. Just before take-off Dasher bashed Randolph in the head with his hoof causing a brilliant red spotlight to shine the way. As Randolph cursed and ranted the team took flight while the drunken guide tried to stay in the air.

    So it went that night with Dasher and Dancer hitting Randolph whenever light was needed so Santa could deliver toys to all the world's children as the streams of profanity echoed in the air. So the next time there's a cussing voice heard in the snowy sky on Christmas Eve, it's possible that Rudolph is sick but Santa can go on thanks to Randolph the Red-Assed Reindeer.