• CHAPTER 8

    I snapped up breathing through ragged breaths. It was dark. I was in my room. My head was throbbing just like the day I got my concussion. I rubbed it and looked around. I heard the door creak opened and I quickly closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I opened my eyes and saw Matt. I remembered what had happened the day before (?) and felt the rage course through my body. I was ready to snap at him when he began to speak.
    “I know you’re probably asleep right now and won’t hear anything I tell you but, I wouldn’t be here if you were awake. I guess this is the only way I can tell you what happened all those years ago so that you can understand.” I heard him sigh and sit on my moon chair. He slid closer and grabbed my hand. His hot hand felt heavenly on my cold one and I felt warm again. “I know I owe you a million answers… and I guess I can understand that… but I’ll just start from the beginning…” He paused for what felt like a million years and then he sighed again. “Remember when we used to be kids? When we used to go everywhere and do things together?” He asked vaguely and I wanted so desperately to nod but I kept my place. “Those were some really great days. –he chuckled- I remember when we used to do prank calls to Mrs. Baker next door. She would always yell at us from the window every time we hung up…” Yet another pause. “Anyways… you were really important to me back then, Jade. Probably my number one. You’d be the first I’d think of every time I was bored or lonely or sad. It was always you. And as I grew up, those feelings were becoming less and less innocent. You were turning into such a beautiful girl… and you always had that carefree smile that seemed to always ease my aching heart… and before I knew it… I’d fallen in love with you…” He paused, as if he knew I was hearing and was letting me process the message.

    I felt tears well up. It was a good thing half my face was under the covers but the sheets wouldn’t be able to cover my trembling hands and hard-to-disguise sobs and sniffs. But then I heard Matt sob. I opened my eye slightly and noticed he had his head on his free hand. “I loved you… and at first I was disgusted at myself for having such feelings towards my sister… my own sister. But I couldn’t hide what was definitely there. I was afraid you’d hate me if you knew how I felt so I avoided you. I distanced myself from you because I didn’t want to lose you completely and I felt that was the safest way. But then you began going out with James. I hated him for unfair reasons. I was jealous of him. Of what he had that I wanted. And I couldn’t even look at you straight in the face; But because we lived in the same house, it was impossible to not see or talk to you. So I’d stay out of the house as often as I could. But regardless how long I stayed out, every time I came back I’d stand in front of your door and think of you, wanting to go inside and hold you and tell you how I felt... but I was scared. No matter where I went, all I did was think of you.

    And I felt lonely and miserable because I couldn’t have you regardless of whether you and James were together or not. I knew you were sad and confused but there was nothing I could do. So one day, I was tired of hiding my feelings and decided to just do something crazy. I had nothing to lose. You were already with James. So I went into your room and…” He sobbed and wiped a tear. “and I gave you my heart… I had never felt so alive. So free, so peaceful. I felt as if I’d been drowning for years and had finally resurfaced.” He squeezed my hand. “I never meant to hurt you. After that night, I felt so guilty yet I’d never felt so alive, so happy. Then the thing with James happened. You wouldn’t believe how mad I was. I wanted to murder him… but you came first. So I stayed with you at the hospital all those days…” I released my hand and I heard him shuffle in his seat. “Then what happened yesterday at Tony’s… I was so happy when you told me you loved me… but I was nervous. I just want you to know that… it wasn’t a dare. Heavens no! All this time, the things I’ve done are exactly what they are and maybe even more. I panicked and I just blurted the words out. I was going to tell you the truth but you fainted…” He sniffed. “I was devastated. I was scared and mad at myself. I thought you were gone.”

    Silence.

    “But you would never know…” He sniffed again and I heard him stand up. His slow but steady footsteps went towards the door and as he opened it he said “That I love you…” and with that, he left.

    I gasped and sat up. No sooner, big heavy tears were pooling at the edge of my eyes and trickling down my cheeks. I covered my face cried loudly.

    Everything is so confusing.
    Everything.
    Mom.
    Gerald.
    James.
    Thunder.

    EVERYTHING!

    Except what I felt.