• ESCAPE FROM BUCCANEER BOARDWALK
    Based on a true zOMG! survival story

    “Come on, man hurry up, we’re going to miss out on all the good farming spots.” A voice spoke in my Crew-chat earpiece.

    “Be right out, Doom, just changing a few rings.”

    My name is Kenny, I’m a fighter- I never give up, I never surrender, even when it looks like I’m completely and utterly screwed. A friend of mine, who’s nickname is Doom (he never told me his real name- He’s a little paranoid) and I were about to go farm in Buccaneer Boardwalk Full. I carried an average ring set, nothing special- Bandage, Hack, Shark Attack, Heavy Water Balloon, Fire Rain, Meat, and two empty ring slots for buffs we may need- Makes it easier than having to walk all the way down to Bass’ken Lake to change my rings.

    “Well, hurry up before noobs come in and take all the good spots.” He replied.

    “Meh meh meh-meh meh meh meh razz ” I said mockingly. Once I got out of the Null Chamber (the trip back to Gaia is…well, it makes you sick to your stomach- Imagine being shoved in a tube that’s half of your size and shot through it at the speed of light with an infinite amount of turns in a second- wouldn’t that make you want to throw up?), we headed up to Buccaneer Boardwalk, showed our tickets to the guard (watching those videos for extra cash REALLY paid off) and headed on in. We went to the island on the right, and continuously went in a circle mobbing and killing stuff that got in our way. The monsters, thankfully, aren’t as aggressive as most monsters are, so most people leave them alone, but it really pisses me off when I stub my toe on an anchor bug. Ever tripped on something that weighs about 2 tons? It was a week before I was able to get my toe to pop out again.

    After about an hour, I got a little worn out and needed to rest a little bit. We took a 30-minute break, in which Doom layed on a bench and I went to the porta-potty to take a piss.

    That was the last I saw of him.

    Ever.


    The next half hour was a blur- I spent 10 minutes trying to get in the right position- Hey, it’s true! Have you ever tried to fit something in a porta-potty that’s 3 times your size?- I spent 1 minute taking a piss, and the next 20 or so minutes trying to get settled so I could rest for a little bit before the break was up. I was almost asleep, when I heard a loud snap outside.

    Okay, I thought. An Animated probably just kicked over an ATV or something, no big deal. Happens all the time. Shortly after, there was another snap, and I heard something that sounded like someone was scratching a thousand pieces of metal together.

    Snap. Wings flapping.
    Snap. Clanging noise.
    Snap. Sand shifting.
    That can’t be good.

    “Kenny, something’s wro- AAAAAH!!! GAAAAAH-!!!” Doom shouted in the Crew-chat earpiece. At first I thought he had just accidentally attacked a sand fluff and was getting mobbed by a bunch of other monsters, but they don’t kill you that fast, and they’re pretty slow. His last scream was cut off abruptly, as if he had- No, he’s not dumb enough to get killed.

    I wanted to take a peek outside, but not wanting to take any chances, I cut a small hole in the door using my ninja sword. What I saw outside almost made me spill my lunch. At first I thought someone had spilled red, thick paint on the ground, but when I looked around a little bit more, I saw him, or what was left of him. His head had been chopped off- it was almost a perfect cut. The part of his head where his left eye should have been was missing, almost like someone took a bite out of the thing. The rest of his body was scattered here and there, some chopped into tiny pieces, others looked like they had been grinded and spit back out.

    I looked around to see if anything that wasn’t supposed to be here was there. And, wouldn’t you know it? I spotted, 5 landsharks, 6 spirit vases, between 20 and 30 giftboxes, 3 buzzkills, and a partri-iidge in a paaalm treeeeee.

    Only one man I know is capable of doing this- Kim John (or as I like to call him, Kim John mentally ill), John Kim’s evil twin.

    Okay, that seems a little bit too cheezy, so let me elaborate. John Kim was born with the ability to summon whatever monster he pleased. He could summon things from Lawn Gnomes to an EB head in no time. But when something this powerful is brought into the world, the equation must be balanced. Thus, Kim John was created by unknown means. We don’t know when or how, but we do know is he likes to fill up areas with monsters just to see how many Gaians die while trying to kill the abominations he spawned.

    Who is Kim John? He is John Kim’s opposite, his negative, his evil twin, the result of an equation trying to balance itself out. He knows that if John dies, he dies, and that if he dies, John dies- He uses this as his advantage against us, so we can’t kill him, otherwise we would have done so in March when he first made his appearance to Gaia.

    I had to talk to John (or, most often called by his nickname,[ JK ])

    I pulled out my PDA (you’d be amazed at the reception you get in a porta-potty) and pulled up the IM tab to see if John was using his PDA. He was, thankfully, and the conversation went as follows:

    Me: Trouble. Kim John. Buccaneer Bordwalk Full. Trapped in porta-potty. Not lol’ing. Need help now!!!
    [ JK ]: Whoa, wait, what? That son of a… Is anyone else there with you?
    Me: No, my crew-mate….well, let’s just say a Defibrillate ring isn’t going to help much. If there is anyone else they may be on one of the other islands.
    [ JK ]: Oh, crap… Well, for now it looks like you’re pretty much screwed. I’m going to have to be your guide.
    Me: ‘Kay, I’m in the porta-potty on the island on the right- You know, the one that leads to the ferris wheel and ship?
    [ JK ]: Of course I know, I built that place. Okay, I hacked into Gaia News 9’s infrared satellites. There’s a lot of activity around you, but I cant tell if it’s just regular stuff or something that’s not supposed to be there.
    Me: That’s fine, just tell me my best shot at getting to high ground would be.
    [ JK ]: You, mean you’re going to stay and fight? That’s suicide!
    Me: Well, I come back to life the next day anyway.
    [ JK ]: Oh, right. Derp.
    Me: Herp.
    [ JK ]: Herp Derp.
    Me: lol, seriously though, any safe routes?
    [ JK ]: Well, not really, unless…
    Me: Unless what?
    [ JK ]: Well, I’ve suggested the theory that the Animated see in infrared, so-
    Me: You mean like in Tremors 2?
    [ JK ]: Yeah…exactly like in Tremors 2…Anyway, this can work to your advantage- basically you just need something to hold in front of you that conceals you from the Animated’s view- that porta-potty isn’t your best shot. Eventually your heat will transfer to the walls and floor and make it glow like a furnace to them.
    Me: ‘Kay, is there anything around me I can use?
    [ JK ]: Let me pull up my blueprints for that area…..Nope, nothing you can use that’s around you-
    Crack.
    [ JK ]: …What was that?
    Me: I broke the door off its hinges to use to get around. And how did you hear that?
    [ JK ]: I’ve got my mike on…
    Me: Well, why the hell didn’t you say so? Just get on my crew chat frequency and talk me through it!
    [ JK ]: But….I like computers….

    The next 10 minutes were a blur. I don’t know if it was just because I was so scared I was close to crapping my pants, or because my heart was beating so fast I couldn’t hardly think. Slowly, he led me to the nearest ATV to use to distract the monsters so I can get to the crow’s nest on the ship- Not exactly easy to control a moving object without driving it. Needless to say, the plan worked, and distracted most of the Animated.

    Most of them.

    There were a few stray monsters that saw threw my plan, a few landsharks, and maybe a vase or two. While running to the ship, everything seemed to go in slow motion. My heart started to beat faster, I was able to dodge attacks I didn’t even know were happening. It was like I was in the Matrix or something. Multiple times I bent down all the way to the ground to avoid Landshark and vase attacks. Soon enough I was climbing up the net to the crow’s nest, just a few more feet…When suddenly, the most epic, mind-boggling, “oh crap” situation happened.

    A Landshark hitched a ride on the ATV.

    It was a perfectly planned aerial strike- One Landshark hung onto the ATV with its mouth, another jumped up a split second before the ATV hit it, using the second Landshark as a ramp. Ever seen a flying blob of sand shaped like a shark flying toward you at 30 miles an hour? It can make you crap your pants. When the Landshark was halfway to where I was, I finally came to my senses, ignored my crap-filled pants and started fumbling to find the right ring and get it on full rage- I had to time it just right- If I didn’t, I would be screwed. I used my full rage on water balloon, which probably wasn’t a good idea, considering it’s a water balloon that weighs around two tons. But if I was able to make him swallow the water balloon, it would turn him to mud, and as soon as he hit the mast he would explode into a million pieces.

    Everything started to slow down. I could see him bare his fangs, showing two more rows of teeth, I could see the remains of my friend Doom in his stomach. This made me pissed. If I let go and jumped off at the right time, I could kill him. A few more seconds….2….1….LIFT OFF! I let go of the water balloon, and jumped up to avoid getting eaten. The next thing I heard was the mix of a high-pressure water hose and an explosion. I looked down, and saw the shark crash into the mast, exploding into a million muddy pieces. I easily grabbed on to the net again, climbed all the way up, and rested.

    “Nice job.” John said in my earpiece. “Now only 300 to go.”

    “Thanks for the motivation, John.”

    “You’re welcome.” I couldn’t see him, but I had the feeling he was smiling real big right about now.

    “Can you see anyone from up there?” John asked.

    I sat up and scanned the island the island, looking for any movement that wasn’t coming from the monsters, but sadly, I couldn’t see anyone else. “Negative. Any suggestions?” I replied.
    There was silence for a few minutes, until he replied, “Look around on the rest of the ship- are there any fire extinguishers? You could use these to sneak around them.”

    “Hang on, lemme check real quick.” I got down from the crow’s nest and started exploring the rest of the ship. There weren’t any fire extinguishers, sadly, but… “There’s some gun powder and matches here, do you think I could use that to distract the Animated long enough for me to kill them?”

    “Depends, how much gunpowder?”

    “Between 10 and 20 barrels.”

    “Yeah, that should be more than enough- the trick is getting it to spread across the island….”

    “I could use my water balloon ring, empty the water balloons, and fill them with gunpowder instead- would that work?”

    “Probably, but you’d have to use a catapult or a -.”

    “Cannon?”

    “Yeah, that might work- start making some gunpowder balloons- You might want to put something between the balloon and gunpowder so it doesn’t explode, though.”

    “’Kay, give me a sec.” I started using my water balloon ring as much as I could without draining out all my energy, emptying them, and filling them with gunpowder, saving a little bit to use in the cannons. I used some of the cannonballs to stop the water balloons from exploding. Hopefully, it would work.

    “All done, but I don’t know if I’m aiming these right- Could you tell me if I need to move them?”

    “Hang on- it’s hard looking at cannons on an infrared satellite…”He replied. There was a long pause, no doubt he was trying to figure out how to position them.

    “Arrange the cannons so that the one nearest to the top is pointing at the ferry, and the one at the bottom is pointing towards the entrance on the right. Keep arranging the cannons so that they form ¼ of a circle.” He replied.

    “Thanks.” It took me around 10 minutes to get all the cannons positioned right, one problem being that they were extremely heavy and another that they were hard to move around. “Kay, I’m gonna fire the cannons now.”

    “Ok, but I won’t be able to help much, the island will be so hot I won’t be able to tell you from the fire from the monsters.”

    “It’s ok, I can handle it from here.” I lit one of the matches I had found, lit each cannon, and ran away as fast as I could behind the mast.

    What happened next was a sound so loud if I had been any closer my eardrums would have exploded. It sounded as if someone had set off 100 sticks of dynamite at once- No doubt it blew a pretty good chunk out of the side of the ship. After my ears stopped ringing, I went away from the mast to see if it had worked. Sure enough, everything from the grass to the palm trees had
    been almost completely engulfed in blackness.

    “Did it work?” John asked.

    “Did it work? You should see the island right now.” I replied. “Any tips before I set this on fire?”

    “Yeah- it would probably be a good idea to use your Fire Rain to light the gunpowder, that way you can kill a significant amount of the monsters while distracting them. Plus you won’t get killed from the fire.” He replied.

    “Thanks. See you next Friday at the meat.” After that, I turned off my crew-chat earpiece.

    Thankfully, the explosion had apparently made the Animated confused, and they were running all over the place trying to figure out where the explosion had come from. This gave me enough time to climb down off the ship and light the gunpowder using Fire Rain.

    Soon enough, the whole island looked like the gates to hell- you couldn’t see more than a few inches in front of you. I got back up on the ship to get a better view of the island. All the monsters Kim had spawned were on fire. Ever seen a box go crazy, start flying around and saying “EMPTY THE BOX!” over and over while on fire? It will literally make you laugh your a** off. The fire lasted for another 20 minutes, during which time most of the monsters either burned to death, exploded, or, in the case of the vases, melted.

    After the fire went out, other than most of the scenery, only one thing was still standing.

    It was him.

    It was Kim John.

    I turned my earpiece back on to talk to John. “He’s here.”

    “Oh, f***.” He replied. “You wouldn’t happen to have a pistol would you?”

    “Yeah, for emergencies, but I only have 3 bullets left.”

    “What did you use the other 3 for?”

    “Let’s just say when I wrangled chickens for Rubella, she can’t tell the difference between a live and dead chicken.”

    He was silent for a little bit, than finally said “That’s- That’s just wrong. Well, good luck anyway.”

    “Thanks.” I cocked my pistol, went off the ship, and started walking toward him. I was about 10 yards away when he spoke.

    “Hello, Kenny, at last we-” His sentence was cut off when I pointed my pistol at him and fired a few times until he fell down (No, I won’t tell you how many, that’s for later in the story).

    “Damn monologues, let’s just skip to the part where I kick your a**.” I walked up to him and put my foot on his chest. There was a good-sized hole in his right shoulder where I had shot him. I pointed my gun at his head and said, “I know what you’re thinking. Did he use all 6 bullets ore only 5? Well, to tell you the truth I lost count in all the excitement, but you gotta ask yourself these two questions- 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?”

    “What’s the second question?” He asked.

    I punched him square in the face, knocking him out. “You should have been wondering what the other hand was doing.”

    The next few hours were a blur. It involved John laughing his a** off, me dragging Kim out of Buccaneer Boardwalk, and locking Kim John’s limp body in the Barton sewers. Unfortunately, Gaia Action News 9 had tracked me down and the male reporter spoke to me. “Mr. McCormick, Mr. McCormick! After this incredible ordeal, what are your feelings?” He pointed the mike to me, but I didn’t need it. I punched him as hard as I could on his left cheek. The camera crew laughed, but the reporter just said, “Did you get that?”

    Now, you’re probably waiting for a moral of the story. You want the truth? A lot of cool s**t happens when you blow up stuff.