• The girl watched everyone as they smiled and laughed and had their fun. They played games and had deep or fun conversations, while she sat, in the corner, with tears in her eyes. No one looked her way as a lone tear fell; Or when a hiccup escaped her. Not even a glance when she started softly sobbing.
    When she gained control again she looked up and watched everyone have their fun. Her eyes were guarded as she hid her pain. With out much thought she got up and started walking to her car. The pain each step brought was more than she had ever experienced and it was quickly pushing her closer to the tall ledge.
    At home nothing was different, nothing had changed. Her mom still stood up for her dad, even though he has hurt her too. Of course, dad was drinking and getting drunk and calling the girl selfish for crying so much. The girl just sighed and went to bed, wishing sleep would come soon. A large part of her never wanted to wake up again. The pain so strong, the loneliness too sharp and the abuse too often.
    Of course the next morning she did wake up and she got dressed to face the day. College was the same; she got by with little to no emotion, just going through the motions until the day was done. Then wishing she could go to church and stay there knowing that she can’t. She picked up her mom then drove home, pretending the day had been great and her life was wonderful. Purposely paying a lot of attention to the road, hoping to stop her moms questions. Her fingers twitched with every invading question, then stilled as the dies poured out easily.
    At home she grabbed her laptop and hid in her room, turning her music up loud as she finished her homework. When her depression hit again she went limp and stared at the wall in front of her. With out her knowledge tears started to fall down her cheeks, and her hands began to shake. The thought of ending it all became strong and destructive, creating more doubt and making the pain worse. Suicide was quickly becoming her only option. No one she trusted could help her. If she got counseling the military wouldn’t want her anymore. If she failed to kill herself she could become a vegetable. If someone found her too soon the military definitely wouldn’t want her. If…too many ifs. They built up to panic levels and over flowed as the panic attack hit. When if finally ran her course and her breathing went back to relative normalness she let herself practically pass out, again wishing she would never wake up ever again.
    When she woke the next morning she cried. She cried about all the pain, the loneliness, the dead quality of her life. Then she slapped herself for being so selfish. At that moment she knew that she would never be able to live for herself. Her life was not her own, it belonged to all of Gods people, to serve and protect, and love. The days of selfish crying were done, as she slowly gave up on herself and put everything into everyone else. Not pausing to let death fill her mind, or long enough to learn to enjoy her own life.