• I could list a thousand different ways that my mother fell in love with my father. I can't list a single one for the opposite. I've never seen him before in person, only in faded photographs with yellowed edges. I don't miss him, I can't miss someone I've never met, but I don't think that I'd like him very much. Even in photographs he's frowning, with deep creases lining his face, and it’s not like he's old, probably just miserable, and stressed. His eyes are dull and flat, so dead that it makes me shudder. Can that kind of man really have loved my mother? I don't think so. She does though. She refuses every date, saying "Oh I have someone waiting for me."

    She doesn't, there's no one at home but me. Me and our three cats; three vicious snarling animals that don't take to anyone but my gorgeous mother who apparently everyone loves but Dave. Yeah, that's right, I know his name. I'm not going to go on some journey to look for some unknown figure. Mothers told me everything she knows about him. And I know that he's not worth it.

    You see, my mother is gorgeous. That's not an exaggeration. From her so black hair that it shines blue to her perfectly rounded toenails, she is perfection incarnate.

    Now I know what you're thinking, I've read those stories before too. Some whiny girl thinks her beautiful mother needs to find someone worthy of her and goes on a hilarious journey to find the perfect man. Along the way the girl finds out that she's beautiful too and gains all the self-esteem.

    Yeah well this isn't it; if you want that story, go somewhere else. This is about how my mother is a God.

    Not one of those beard waving thunderbolt throwing ones, but the big one. Yeah. Just let that sink in. How do you think I feel?

    Oh wait, now you're rolling your eyes and thinking to yourself, 'yay let’s hear about a teenager learning the meaning of power and watch her endearingly fumble around. I haven't heard this one before.’

    And I'm here to tell you to stop that! I'm the most ordinary teenager. Wait, I can't use that word anymore, I'm eighteen. So I'm an ordinary young adult who has no idea where their life is going or what they want to do. So no, I'm not going to inherit mystical powers or anything. I think I would have known by now.

    I am getting so very off track. Thanks for that.

    This is a story about my mother. That was the whole point of this. To just let it all out. Now, my mother is the most awkward person ever. If there is an inappropriately timed pun to make, too late, she's already gone and done it.

    So I come home from school or whatever I was spending my day doing and as soon as I walk in the door a hellcat attacks me. As in that my cat's personality must be from hell. I've met actual hellcats before; I like them better. The cat attacks me and I drop my bag, on my foot, and it scuffs my brand new boots! And yeah, so I let out a bit of blasphemy, if you believe in that sort of thing, and yell, scream whatever, "Oh God!"

    What do you know, from the other room my wonderful mother just shouts, "Yes?"

    I would think absolutely nothing of it. She does this all the time. Seriously, all the time.

    Which would make one think that I was conditioned to dismiss it, I usually would have, but something in her voice made me stop. She wasn't joking, or trying to stifle one of her giggle-snorts, her voice was deep when she replied. That one word had reverberated through the house, shaking the walls.

    Think what you may, but that certainly wasn't normal. Even our cat looked a bit bewildered. As bewildered as a demon spawn from hell can look.

    Now I'm concerned, not worried, but concerned. There was definitely someone else here if she was breaking out the, 'I'm-the-mom-and-therefore-all-powerful' voice.

    I tiptoe through our living room, stepping on one of our cat’s tails. Nothing unusual there. If they didn't want to be accidentally stepped on, don't lie in the middle of the hall.

    But of course it howled and there goes my cover. Not that I had one, I had blown it the second I entered the apartment.

    I still don’t know why she chose that day to break out the almighty voice. I mean, my brother, half-brother, something or other, was visiting but that was it. Did I mention that he was Lucifer? Actually his name is Fred. People just call him Lucifer or the equivalent. Annoys him to no end, not that I can blame him. I’d go nuts if I had everyone calling me Katherine or whatever every day.

    Pretty nice fellow, he always remembers my birthday and builds the best pillow forts. When I was younger. Yeah, now that I’m older I totally don’t do that.

    Right, right, I was saying something.

    He’s in the kitchen, eating all of our pumpkin cookies, the jerk, and chatting with mother. Just to remind you, at this point in time I had no idea about anything, just the niggling thought that it was a bit weird for my impossibly young looking mother to have older kids keep popping up. I must have like a million siblings.

    Honestly, our family reunions, which happen during my birthday, mother’s birthday, Christmas and Thanksgiving, are absolutely nuts. Someone always gets drunk, although liquor is banned until I can drink, and someone else always ends up starting a twister tournament. My family loves Twister. They are the most flexible people I’ve ever seen. Though mother seems to be fonder of limbo.

    So they’re chatting and ever so casually does mother ask Fred, “So how is your place this time of year, the snow still not melting?”

    “Hell yeah!” He smirked and they shared a high five.

    See, I knew it! Punnyness is inheritable! Honestly though, Fred is the only one that can beat mother to a pun. I think she lets him do it. Oldest child syndrome. He is soo spoiled; Example A, him eating all of our cookies! Who does that?! He does things like this all of the time! And mother doesn’t say anything!

    They notice me standing there, haha just kidding; they probably knew that I was there the whole time, and grin simultaneously at me. Dorks.

    Fred flicks his crumbs off of his hands and at me, it somehow actually flying the five feet to hit me, gave me a “See you later sis!” and poofs off! Like in a cloud of yellow smoke. He may be the devil, but red is not his color.

    Picture this, me standing in the entrance of our light blue kitchen, flowers bursting from every available surface, crumbs in my hair, and my mouth gaping open. He just disappeared! Well, didn’t just disappear, the yellow smoke was still slowly dissipating. How obnoxious, just like him!

    “Jesus Christ parenting is hell.”

    “MOM!”

    “What? You should have heard our earlier conversation, he was just asking for a punishment.”

    And now I’m here. Mother’s gone. Just gone, hasn’t been home for days, but then again neither have I. Fred’s missing, and I haven’t seen his twin Joshua either. Eight siblings and every. Single. One. Is. Missing.

    Landscapes that I can’t actually describe are flashing by, too quickly for me to process. I probably shouldn’t be going this fast. It’s an old car; it can’t handle past a hundred.

    I have been driving for hours, hours with no direction. The highway hasn’t ended yet; I must have gone across states.

    When the landscape of empty fields and broken houses suddenly cut off to bright green trees and vibrantly flowering bushes, I would like to say that I certainly noticed. What I actually noticed was that my smooth blacktop suddenly transitioned to bumpy rough dirt. Why the Highway Authorities didn’t do anything about the highway ending, will forever be a mystery.

    With a splutter, and a pop, my car halted.

    “What the hell?! Please don’t, please don’t, please don’t!” I slipped out of the tiny Honda and popped the hood. Now I’m not a car person but even I know that something’s not right when smoke is billowing out of the hood.

    “Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Not now, please!”

    I slammed the hood shut and raced behind a tree nearly as big around as my car.

    Bang! Bang! BANG! KrrrrrrCHUNK!

    Brushing a hand sized leaf away from my face I peered around the trunk. My lovely old car was lying on the ground, the passenger door reaching towards the sky while a tire rolled away and flattened a rosebush.

    The ground shook, leaves started to fall around me and a tall, grey trunk was right in front of me. I would now really like to know why exactly an elephant is in (what I think is) Alabama!

    “Hello. You are Adam. We must create the new human race.”

    “Excuse me?!” I spun around and there was a short girl staring at me, her large eyes blinking rapidly.

    “You are Adam. We must procreate”

    Did I find the land of crazies? Does Mother know that this is here? Actually scratch that, she probably created this place.

    “Listen lady. That is a problem. You see, you are a lady, and I am a lady, and baby making obviously doesn’t work in the way you think it does.”

    What was the last part, oh yeah! “And despite my currently short hair, thanks Fred, I am not a boy. So unless I have an odd parent, which I do, my name is not Adam.”

    She is still staring at me. This is awkward.

    “You are Adam. Only Adam can enter the Garden. We must now name the animals.”

    Now she needs a geography lesson, and a trip to the zoo.

    “Lady. Seriously. I’m not Adam, and the animals already have names.”



    E-L-E-P-H-A-N-T, “Hah! Thirteen points! That puts me at, let’s see, three hundred and fifteen, and you at… fifty-six.”

    I looked up from the scoreboard to see Eve’s big eyes watering and her clenched hands pressed against her head.

    “You can’t keep using these words! They are not real!”

    This again, “Yes it is a real word! That” I swung my arm out to point at the elephant still nudging my poor car, “is an elephant!”

    Her eyes dried up and she grinned at me, her Hollywood white teeth blinding me, “So you have given him a name! You admit that you are Adam then!”

    “For the hundredth time, I’m not!” I waved my hands over myself, “Do you not see this fabulous figure? Biological guys have hips that lie!”

    She tilted her head, great I confused her again, and then asked, “What?”

    “You really need to get out more.”

    I looked back at the game board and reached into the pouch for new letters when something wet hit my arm. Oh great. “Is it raining?”

    Eve looked up and stared at the sky, “Is it? I have never seen it before; it is always sunshine in the Garden.”

    “Are you guys worried about torrential downpour? If it floods I Noah guy!”

    I threw my hands in the air, “Now she shows up!” As she gathered me into a hug I muttered, “Hello Mother.”

    “And hello to you too, light of my life!”

    I watched over Mother’s shoulder as Eve fumbled her way to a standing position, a grin nearly splitting her face, “Mother! I have found Adam!”

    Mother snorted, “So you have!” She pet my hair and whispered to me, “So how do you like your new sister?”

    “What?!”