• I'm turning thirteen years old in December. I've been cutting myself since I was in first grade. At first, it was just because I wanted to know what it was like, or I was bored, but now, I can't keep a razor off of me every time I get sad or angry. I was clean a couple weeks ago, but then I discovered that I missed the pain so much. Instead of having a razor on hand, I took some aluminum and carved up my fingers, instead.

    When I was seven I had a traumatic experience. My dad nearly died in a car crash, and after that he announced that he was a druggie. I was crushed. I haven't gotten over it. But, there's something that I can't shake. It's been making me cry, and hurt, and loose all hope for the majority of my life. Since about kindergarten, actually. I haven't told anyone that I still cry myself to sleep, and I wish I was dead. Every time I have tried I've been told that I didn't know anything, and that I was making myself act like this. I have tried so, so very hard to stop being angry. I can't shake the anger out. Just being angry at nothing builds up this frustration, and I have no clue what to do with it. I can't do anything with it. I've tried stress balls, drawing, sculpting. Even cutting wasn't that soothing. But, after a long long time of trying to be happy, and trying to perk up, I just can't. And it's hard.

    My mom -- well, she always argues with me. And, I don't know what to say about her. She has yelled at me, and slapped me, and told me that I make myself this way. I can truly say that I do not love her. I don't hate her. She's just like a friend, to me. Honestly, my mom hasn't tried hard enough in my life. She doesn't get me, or who I am, and she has signed me up for therapy once. When I didn't want any more attention than I had already gotten, I lied through it so I could just be alone again. And when I just wanted to go back - to get real help and tell the truth - my mom pushed me away and told me that I didn't need it.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I know that cutting is a bad habit, but it's the only way that I can relieve myself. The comfort of the cold razor, the glistening edges. I just love it. I've tried to kill myself, too. On multiple occasions. When I was in first grade, I tried hanging myself from a light fixture. I just have hated life, but I could never let go. I always told myself, "It'll get better." So far, it hasn't.

    It's all crazy. I have a sweet side, a kind everyone wants to be around, but is dying inside, and then a nasty mean terrible side comes out, that I can't stop. I try to control my behavior, but I just can't. It just makes me so frustrated, not having control on what I say, or do. I have had several occasions where I have had to bite my lip to get me to not say something that would get me slapped again.

    My sleeping pattern is off, also. I have a case of insomnia, undiagnosed, though. No one really pays attention. But, I can't fall asleep. No matter how hard I try, or how late I stay up.
    My brother is very physical. He will kick me, hit me, bite me, and throw heavy objects at me. I often have bruises, and he constantly tells me I should die and he doesn't love me. I don't do anything to him.

    I've tried to trick myself into being happy, but I just remain the same as before, sometimes even worse.

    Whenever you think about insulting someone, or whenever you want to complain about how horrible your life is, think about what has happened to others.