• Congrats newly minted boyfriend! You’ve managed to win the heart of a girl you thought was super cute, but now it’s time to lay down the law. This isn’t just middle school puppy love, no no no; this is serious business. You’re clueless? Don’t worry, I’m a girl and I know what girls want. With my six necessary steps that every boy should know, you’ll be on your way to being crowned The Best Boyfriend Every Girl Wish She Had!

    First, let’s talk about your looks. Throw away all your nice clothes and shoes. Your girlfriend obviously loves you for who you are on the inside, so what’s the point in impressing her anymore? In fact, throw away your underwear while you’re at it, and even your deodorant and cologne! Just stop taking showers. Show her your true, real, raw, unshowered self. She’ll appreciate it, even from miles away, because that’s where she’s going to spend most of her time. Miles away. But hey, just like how the 1960’s were, right? Real love.

    Now when it comes to communication, make sure you text her every second of every minute of every hour of every day. You need to know where she is and what she’s doing at all times, because she could be cheating on you that exact moment. And if she doesn’t answer your five hundred texts and calls per minute, automatically assume she’s doing something suspicious behind your back because all of her time is supposed to be catered to you and no one else. You deserve to be paid attention to, even at her grandma’s funeral. If she denies everything, hack into all her social media accounts and tap into her phone conversations and text messages. You have a right to know!

    When you’re out on a date, stare at her chest the WHOLE time. Don’t listen to anything she says because it’s never important. If she catches you gaping at her, just tell her you were admiring her hair. Or make up a weird disease on why you can’t pay attention and make her feel bad for you. They like that sappy stuff. Then, when she goes back to talking about dumb girl things, resume your own live and in person peep show because you also have needs and they need to be fulfilled. If she didn’t want anyone staring at her, why would she dress like that?

    Something that will REALLY turn her on is hanging out with other girls. You already have a girl best friend? Good. Go to movies with her. Go to concerts with her. Get drunk with her. Talk to her for hours and hours on the phone. If you have an ex-girlfriend, rekindle your friendship with her and go hang out with her behind your girlfriend’s back! Ditch your girlfriend for your girl best friend every chance you get. She’ll totally understand because you need time away from her once in a while. (But remember, she devotes all her time to you.) If she doesn’t understand that, don’t talk to her until she apologizes for her selfish actions. Show her who’s really in control.

    When in doubt; lie. Lie all the time. Lie about your family, your health problems, your house, how much money you make, your virginity, lie about absolutely everything in your life. The more you lie, the hotter you’ll be because she’ll think you live a mystery life like Batman or a CIA agent or something. To keep up the mysterious alias, make sure you’re emotionless. Don’t laugh, don’t smile, don’t cry, and just don’t do anything. Feel nothing. Emotions will send her mixed signals and then she’ll constantly keep asking you why you do things and why you feel certain ways and who wants a talkative girlfriend? No one.

    Testing her faith periodically will haul a brick of reality into her makeup-caked face. Make sure to do this when you guys are on really good terms. Conjure up an elaborate situation and see how she reacts. The best thing would be to fake your death for a week. Include your whole family in it. Hire spies to watch her house twenty four seven to see if she comes into contact with any boys other than you. Catch her at the right time and she’ll be swooning over you. And like I said; when in doubt, lie.

    We are all bound to mess up sometimes. We’re human, we make mistakes. If this girlfriend just doesn’t see your point of view, break up with her. Spread rumors about her all over the internet. Ruin her life. And then when you’re done completely ruining the chances of her ever being in a relationship again, realize that there is other fish in the sea. Hey, if nothing else works out, you could always move to Idaho considering 40% of the population’s girls are single, very sensitive, and lonely; while the other 60% of the population’s girls are currently hating their life with a potato farmer boyfriend. You win either way there!

    See, being a boyfriend is not that hard. When you follow my advice, you’ll be putting your girlfriend in her place in no time! (Which is in the kitchen making you a sandwich.)