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"Excuse my 'bad' disposition"
I spoke with desperation
"Love, I've got a question,"
I said alone, quietly
"Did you ever love me?"
the question rang out
Two weeks before, started lazily,
Saturday sky, causing gaiety
in my room, waking sleepily
watching skies of white, sun fed
above my bed, above my head
thinking of the wonderful news
I reveled that I knew what she was gonna say
what she had figured out, the evening of yesterday
it was a new dawn, of a new, bright, shining day
I mustered a belief as powerful as one believes
though flustered, as falling, in the breeze...leaves
I basked myself in the not so calm of my ecstasy
For two more days I awoke like this
In a state of sheer and utter bliss
Those queer, happy feelings I miss
I remember, so gay was I that day
Until, it happened, in an unlucky way
as all disasters come about, unluckily
I stared, jaw ajar, at the email blazing on the screen
the question there, so innocent, seemed obscene
"Would you leave me for her?" it said...keen
Shakily I thought what my answer would be
My fingers played across the keys, honestly
as the cursor hovered over send, my finger dropped
Asleep, my mind had faded, in morning, I awoke
Anxious, no, apprehensive, were words I spoke
and at my situation, it was fun, I tried to poke
but the reality of it all wasn't funny, so serious
and it was delirium for those who aren't delirious
It was an unexpected, yet expected occurrence
I knew what she would do, before I read the email
still... I can recount that it felt like being pelted by hail
I recall, thinking that if it were a class, I would fail
I already figured out that she'd leave me for my answer
the answer was honest, what I wanted, and it had a lure
It was my belief that had caused me to let truth slip
A day followed, with the terrible knowledge, that I broke her
but ignorant was I, it was not just her breaking to which I spur
but I also managed to start a friendship's disintegration, like a cur
Another email read, bringing news of my own ignorance to my mind
at this news I answered back, with words that I now cease to find
because those words cannot be shared, intimate and private, they are
When one knows their crime was no crime at all
You will find that others, you immediately appall
And like an angel, from others' grace, you fall
With the sadness, came emotion colored red
the unmistakable hue of a shroud of hatred
where love should be, this shroud had obscured
Attacked...attacked, by the what if and would've been
sleep was a plague, awakened, I never would know when
using methods of calming, I tried to count to uttered number ten
Counting, counting, counting down the seconds 'till more judgment
another day away, a day of peace, before more extreme, was torment
and still I swayed on unsteady legs, knowing that I must redeem myself
Dreadfully came the red dawn of the Monday
Eyes snap open, awakened in an automated way
Tormentingly awake, yet still in bed I continued to lay
Through willpower I dragged myself from my cover
in the mirror, I did not see my face, but that of another
Epiphany, I believe, told me to face the consequences
Step by step, I marched toward the car
Mind miles away, the walk was not far
dead man on the green mile, a falling star
Three minute drive turned to an hour
over time, I hadn't any real power
Tugging to a stop...arrival
Stepping from the car, closing the door
I don't want to be me, not anymore
I feel so much like a betraying whore
One foot, one foot in front of the other
leaded feet, the ground, they smother
as I step into the door, my insides fall apart
Forty eight minutes, and I start to shake
another forty eight and I cannot wait
Sitting through the torturing forty eight
finally I see her, realization, I need her
for once, words, I do not slur
as I start to speak, words coming slow
Sentence by sentence I start to speak
words coming faster, yet still I seem weak
What did I want, is it forgiveness that I seek
"I told the truth." I had whispered, quietly
"I'm proud of you." she whispered to me
"Then why do you hate me?" I replied, wanting
Oh, by the yellowed lights buzzing above my head, I heard
that she hated me, for things to me, that were obscured
I cannot believe, that I would be, the capacity lacking turd
to not have previously known, to her best friend, everything was told
I wanted, to start a fight, malevolence had taken me in it's hold
but only for a brief moment, something inside of me...stirred
I think that I dreamed a dream only the mind of a demented mortal may create
A dream that bordered on reality, everything in it, all of it, seemed real, not fake
In my dream, I formulated a plan, everything was in my head now, steps to take
I blinked several time, the dream still before my eyes, the bell had rung, off we go
we were reading a book when my dream had occurred. but I believe it did not show
I knew how to fix it, everything, no more tears. just smiles and laughter, if I succeeded
I spoke to Eli-her, when three more forty eights passed
With all of my emotions, words on paper, I amassed
and even my greatest achievements, I has surpassed
I laid it all down, everything, bare for her too study, see
all my traits, faults, pros and cons, everything on me
just to say I was sorry, and in the end, I was forgiven
I went home that night, events seemed uneventful
I started to think, to dream of things now null
I went to bed that night, my senses now dull
I was awakened by light from my window
steadily, I got up, spirit on the high and low
Once again, to school, I had embarked...
I will skip my uneventful activity
The only important piece to study
is the part at the end, don't you see
I went again, and I fixed, repaired
though my senses were impaired
Everything was okay Jor-she was okay
I can't believe how desperately wrong I was
I walked her to the next class, feeling shoves
I was going to ask her, but then I stopped, 'cause
He walks up to her, completely ignorant
and asks her, as I stare completely indignant
choking on my heart, I turn and walk away
That night, I went and sat down in the shower
Every single feeling I had, they turned sour
and as I exited, near the ending of the hour
I felt as if I were so drained, so very empty
and I was astonished the Eli-she could not see
just exactly, what had happened to me
Silent for days, I did not want to burden them with my problem
I realized, that all the things that occurred, it was all for fixing them
Cutting the original weed at it's roots, I was hit by the stem
Why was there such a horrible counterattack, a backlash
it was as if, in all of the cleansing fire, I was to die by ash
Or maybe it was just a hint of what I was to die by?
Later, I've lost track of time, I opened my eyes to the light
It was coming in through my window, assaulting my sight
Wasn't it just a few seconds ago, I had told myself goodnight?
I stood and walked to the shower, still wanting to be back in bed
and when I sat down, a song playing, a series of thoughts in my head
It was, strange, it was, queer, it was, true, sensations, an epiphany...
It was a simple thing, oh so simple a thing
but how those kinds of processes can sting
and how it can remove the wind from your wing
listen now, we are nearing the bitter end
how much money I would want to send
to deliver me to a happier close to my tale
Another week and I wrote a note
words that cannot escape my throat
the intimate things that I had wrote
A singular vital step in my plan
to make myself act, I know I can
As I step forward and deliver the message
I knew that there would be three different endings
I knew because I thought them through in ramblings
and because of feelings that would turn to lingerings
reader, do not fool yourself, there is a true end, to refer
but imagine if you will, that you may choose one you prefer
so you may look at my story, and give me a fairy tale ending
Ending A
"Gather round, come friends, rejoice!"
Oh please listen to her just choice
which was spoken in loving voice
"I need you, I choose you not him"
I love that fulfilled, was my whim
what a beautiful end to my tale
Or would you choose, the latter
an ending that would prove sadder
one which would make the mad madder
would you choose the pessimistic
over the highly chosen optimistic
would you wish me such a fate?
Ending B
I cannot say how I departed into lonely emptiness
whether it was her voice which started sadness
or my reaction which led to madness
I was left without serenity
I ceased to feel tranquility
heartbroken with failure, and speechless I fall
Or rather, would you choose me to be left without fulfillment
but filled with a rather empty contentment, and resentment
left without surprise, without worthy reaction, or astonishment
would you choose the true ending, what I had let myself do
would you be honest, and know this is what I had chosen too?
Will you choose with me, an ending, that is, for lack of word, bittersweet?
Ending C(True Ending)
I had complete confidence in my epiphany
I walked away in complete, total stability
I spoke with a pure, precise clarity
"I knew you wouldn't prove me wrong."
I sat down in the dark, sang our song
With empty eyes, but still content, I let go
If this cloud, this gray, stormy cloud has a silver lining
then, in all truth, I must say that it is not shining
maybe if I discover it, it'll be self defining
that to behold a bitter truth, the bitter truths
that she shall never be mine, but a thought that soothes
and quietly, speaking aloud, quiet heart beats declinin'
I go to her and ask my question
no hint on me to confess apprehension
she knows not that she meet my expectation
through moments where I am weak and weary
and sitting alone, writing, eyes becoming dreary
I conclude the story of my own, bitter epiphany
"Excuse my 'bad' disposition"
I spoke with desperation
"Love, I've got a question,"
I said alone, quietly
"Did you ever love me?"
the question rang out
(After Note, editated due to recent events.)
And in the silence that ensued for the next three weeks
I knew that there was an answer, an answer everyone seeks
and in the silence, I wanted to break it, and she knows who speaks
I found myself and gathered myself, and brought myself together
and I tell myself, that it is me, and I'll be me, always me forever
and she gave me an ending, that is best described as bittersweet
She's made it known, that she has the capacity to love me
that she might actually take my hand and let me help her see
that we may, in a later day, end out together, the two of us, we
who almost gave up on what we had always known was there
we, who now know, that the ecstasy and burden is for us to share
She lacks the selfishness to willingly break a heart
so I will go, and I will do, my seemingly endless part
and I shall await the day, when we are together, not apart
She told me the same, that she will stay, and wait for me
and I decide, that nothing, not even time, an endless sea
will keep her and me apart, not as long as my spirit shall live...
Epilogue
Nay, do not say another week, I shall land in dismay
Why is it, that in the very morning of Friday, yesterday
That In all things, I cannot go to her, and say what I wish to say
everyone told me, that we would land out breaking each other
Trying to tell me that, finally they took their voices, and me, they smother
and just what happens, when you force me, to rip my heart out?
- by x_V-Ghost-V_x |
- Poetry And Lyrics
- | Submitted on 04/30/2009 |
- Skip
![](https://graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/arena-images/ic_paper_corner_32x32.gif)
- Title: Epiphany (Added Epilouge)
- Artist: x_V-Ghost-V_x
- Description: I just wanted to explain to my friends, how I am feeling... Or rather, how I came to be feeling this way, it's a narrative, and it will be long, but it will explain a lot, even if you don't know me, you'll enjoy watching a story unfold, of a horrible disaster, caused by my own actions, and how I came about fixing it, and how everyone has a happy ending, even me.
- Date: 04/30/2009
- Tags: epiphany
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Comments (5 Comments)
- momo the momi - 05/10/2009
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I related waaay too much with the verse that the line of "And like an angel, from others' grace, you fall" had in it - waaay too much.
But that's the beauty of poetry, it shows that we all suffer and hope alike.
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- samantha38 - 05/03/2009
- it sad and from the heart very good ,sorry what happen thought, hope life be better for you and thank letting us know how you feel
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- xx-emo-sexxy-luvv-xx - 05/02/2009
- tht is deep man, i lik it.
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- Phoe Starfire - 05/01/2009
- *walks up and hugs you* sorry things turned out how they did.. that story ending is really sad. and well.. you know you can always talk to me if you feel the need to do so.
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- Starving_4_Art - 04/30/2009
- So. Many. Emotions. Brain. Overload. Ahhhhh. I like it alot. Keep it up. You should make -like- a book of your poems and get it published.
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