Doing my final copy now

[Goddess Ace]

Final Copy:

Quote:

An Important Lesson from a Furry Critter

Life is a continuous struggle which we as living creatures endure every single day. There are countless decisions to make, innumerable lessons to be learned, and untold discoveries to conceive. My freshmen year of Woodrow Wilson High School could possibly be the greatest engagement of my entire young adult existence. It was my less than two-pound kitten who enlightened me that you should never give up no matter what the circumstances are. Without the guidance of my runty feline friend, I might not be here today.

Love is the utmost sinful pleasure in the universe; we crave this feeling like a menstrual woman in dire need of chocolate. I never thought that the deranged temptation of love would morph me into a desecrated corpse of blood and tears. Why would I want to take my own life because of someone who didn’t return my love? Looking at that first year of high school, I strike myself as a petty child. I was an absolute fool. How could one emotion overwhelm your body and whittle it away to nothing? The answer, provided by Comprehensive Psychological Services, was that I am clinically depressed and suffer from an anxiety disorder. Their solution was a prescription of ten milligrams of Prozac and weekly meetings with a therapist. My savior was a domestic short hair tabby adopted from the Portsmouth Humane Society.

Peering into a steel cage, I spotted a tiny mewing fuzz ball – this was not my cat, but his already adopted littermate. My fur ball savior had just been taken to PetSmart’s adoption center. Immediately, my mother drove me over to PetSmart where I saw the pint-sized kitten. Fifty dollars and a few forms later, I had my Leonardo. I felt blessed by the gods to now own this white furred cat with patches of blonde stripes. Finally, I could experience that unconditional love; Leo was like my child – a child with colitis (an inflammation of the colon). My parents were terrified that Leo was going to die because of how skinny he had become. They also dreaded that I might hurt myself over the loss of my newly adopted kitten. Against all the odds, and after four hundred dollars in vet bills and medicine, my baby pulled through. Even when Leonardo got under a pound he kept fighting for his life. My cat was determined to live – he was not going to give up his life without a challenge. This birthday present that was meant to cheer me up turned out to be the best medicine I could ever have.

Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson from them. Leo taught me the significance of life; his drive to exist unsheathed my ignorance. Now, Leo is a twelve-pound, thirteen-ounce moose with an addiction to cat n**. I am overjoyed to say that Leo and I are prospering in life. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet to a thriving young woman. And it’s all thanks to my cat, Leonardo.

----------------------------------------------
This is an essay due Tuesday, I'm not really worried about it too much but I would like someone other then my Mom to proof read. The red bolded "who" is appearing as an error, spell checker says it should be "which" but I'm not sure. Also, the sentence I underline I think needs to be fixed, not sure though. So help please <3

Quote:

An Important Lesson from a Furry Critter

Life is a continuous struggle which we endure every single day. There are countless decisions to make, innumerable lessons to be learned, and untold discoveries to conceive. My freshmen year of Woodrow Wilson high school could possibly be the greatest engagement of my entire young adult existence. If it had not been for my less than two pound kitten, who enlighten me that you should never give up no matter what the circumstances are. Without the guidance of my runty feline friend, I might not be here today.

Love is the utmost sinful pleasure in the universe; we crave this feeling like a menstrual woman in dire need of chocolate. I never thought that the deranged temptation of love would morph me into a desecrated corpse of blood and tears. Why would I want to take my own life because someone who didn’t return my love? Looking at that first year of high school, I strike myself as a petty child. I was an absolute fool. How could one emotion overwhelm your body and whittle it away to nothing? The answer, provided by Comprehensive Psychological Services, was that I am clinically depressed and suffered from an anxiety disorder. Their solution was a prescription of ten milligrams of Prozac and weekly meetings with a therapist. My savior was a domestic short hair tabby adopted from the Portsmouth Humane Society.

Peering into a steel cage, my eye spotted a tiny mewing fuzz ball – this was not my cat, but his already adopted littermate. My fur ball savior had just been taken to PetSmart’s adoption center. Immediately, my mother drove me over to PetSmart where my eyes laid on the pint-sized kitten. Fifty dollars and a few forms later, I had my Leonardo. I felt blessed by the gods to have this white furred cat with patches of blonde stripes. Finally, I could have that unconditional love – Leo was like my child… a child with Colitis. My parents were terrified that Leo was going to die; they also dreaded that I might hurt myself over the loss of my newly adopted kitten. Against all the odds, as well as four hundred dollars in vet bills and medicine, my baby made it. Even when Leonardo got under a pound he kept fighting for his life. My cat was determined to live – he was not going to give up his life without a challenge. The birthday present that was meant to cheer me up turned out to be the best medicine I could ever have.

Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive to exist unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings. Now, Leo is a twelve pound thirteen ounce moose with an addiction to cat n**. I am mirthful to say that Leo and I are lavishing. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet to a prolific human being. And it’s all thanks to my cat named Leonardo.

 

[MonsieurSponge]

Goddess Ace

This is an essay due Tuesday, I'm not really worried about it too much but I would like someone other then my Mom to proof read. The red bolded "who" is appearing as an error, spell checker says it should be "which" but I'm not sure. Also, the sentence I underline I think needs to be fixed, not sure though. So help please <3

Quote:

An Important Lesson from a Furry Critter

Life is a continuous struggle which we endure every single day. There are countless decisions to make, innumerable lessons to be learned, and untold discoveries to conceive. My freshmen year of Woodrow Wilson high school could possibly be the greatest engagement of my entire young adult existence. My less than two pound kitten taught me that you should never give up no matter what the circumstances are. Without the guidance of my runty feline friend, I might not be here today.

Love is the utmost sinful pleasure in the universe; we crave this feeling like a menstrual woman in dire need of chocolate. I never thought that the deranged temptation of love would morph me into a desecrated corpse of blood and tears. Why would I want to take my own life because someone who didn’t return my love? Looking at that first year of high school, I strike myself as a petty child. I was an absolute fool. How could one emotion overwhelm your body and whittle it away to nothing? The answer, provided by Comprehensive Psychological Services, was that I am clinically depressed and suffered from an anxiety disorder. Their solution was a prescription of ten milligrams of Prozac and weekly meetings with a therapist. My savior was a domestic short hair tabby adopted from the Portsmouth Humane Society.

Peering into a steel cage, my eye spotted a tiny mewing fuzz ball – this was not my cat, but his already adopted littermate. My fur ball savior had just been taken to PetSmart’s adoption center. Immediately, my mother drove me over to PetSmart where my eyes laid on the pint-sized kitten. Fifty dollars and a few forms later, I had my Leonardo. I felt blessed by the gods to have this white furred cat with patches of blonde stripes. Finally, I could have that unconditional love – Leo was like my child… a child with Colitis. My parents were terrified that Leo was going to die; they also dreaded that I might hurt myself over the loss of my newly adopted kitten. Against all the odds, as well as four hundred dollars in vet bills and medicine, my baby made it. Even when Leonardo got under a pound he kept fighting for his life. My cat was determined to live – he was not going to give up his life without a challenge. The birthday present that was meant to cheer me up turned out to be the best medicine I could ever have.

Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive to exist unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings. Now, Leo is a healthy twelve pounds, thirteen ounces, and addicted to cat n**. I am mirthful to say that Leo and I are lavishing. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet to a prolific human being. And it’s all thanks to my cat named Leonardo.

I highlighted the changes I made. Great essay, Ace. Your wording was just a bit funky there.  

[Goddess Ace]

Thanks Egga

Yeah, that's why I wanted some help xd  

[MonsieurSponge]

Goddess Ace

Thanks Egga

Yeah, that's why I wanted some help xd

No problem. I like editing other people's work. I just wish I could do my own a bit better sometimes. xd  

[Sakura-Kyoukan]

EggaxSponge

Goddess Ace

This is an essay due Tuesday, I'm not really worried about it too much but I would like someone other then my Mom to proof read. The red bolded "who" is appearing as an error, spell checker says it should be "which" but I'm not sure. Also, the sentence I underline I think needs to be fixed, not sure though. So help please <3

Quote:

An Important Lesson from a Furry Critter

Life is a continuous struggle which we endure every single day. There are countless decisions to make, innumerable lessons to be learned, and untold discoveries to conceive. My freshmen year of Woodrow Wilson High School could possibly be the greatest engagement of my entire young adult existence. My less than two pound kitten taught me that you should never give up no matter what the circumstances are. Without the guidance of my runty feline friend, I might not be here today.

Love is the utmost sinful pleasure in the universe; we crave this feeling like a menstrual woman in dire need of chocolate. I never thought that the deranged temptation of love would morph me into a desecrated corpse of blood and tears. Why would I want to take my own life because someone who didn’t return my love? Looking back at that first year of high school, I struck myself as a petty child. I was an absolute fool. How could one emotion overwhelm your body and whittle it away to nothing? The answer, provided by Comprehensive Psychological Services, was that I am clinically depressed and suffered from an anxiety disorder. Their solution, was a prescription of ten milligrams of Prozac and weekly meetings with a therapist. My savior was a domestic short hair tabby adopted from the Portsmouth Humane Society.

Peering into a steel cage, my eye spotted a tiny mewing fuzz ball – this was not my cat, but his already adopted litter-mate. My fur ball savior had just been taken to PetSmart’s adoption center. Immediately, my mother drove me over to PetSmart where my eyes laid on the pint-sized kitten. Fifty dollars and a few forms later, I had my Leonardo. I felt blessed by the gods to have this white furred cat with patches of blonde stripes. Finally, I could have that unconditional love; Leo was like my child… a child with colitis. My parents were terrified that Leo was going to die; they also dreaded that I might hurt myself over the loss of my newly adopted kitten. Against all the odds, as well as four hundred dollars in vet bills and medicine, my baby pulled thru. Even when Leonardo got under a pound he kept fighting for his life. My cat was determined to live – he was not going to give up his life without a challenge. This birthday present, that was meant to just cheer me up, turned out to be the best medicine I could ever have.

Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive to exist unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings. Now, Leo is a healthy twelve pounds, thirteen ounces, and addicted to cat n**. I am mirthful to say that Leo and I are lavishing in life. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet, to a prolific human being. And it’s all thanks to a cat named Leonardo.

I highlighted the changes I made. Great essay, Ace. Your wording was just a bit funky there.

I just made some very minor changes mostly punctuation/capitalization. You dont have to keep any of the word changes i made... they were really more suggestions.  

[Sheer_Immortal]

Sakura-Kyoukan

EggaxSponge

Goddess Ace

This is an essay due Tuesday, I'm not really worried about it too much but I would like someone other then my Mom to proof read. The red bolded "who" is appearing as an error, spell checker says it should be "which" but I'm not sure. Also, the sentence I underline I think needs to be fixed, not sure though. So help please <3

Quote:

An Important Lesson from a Furry Critter

Life is a continuous struggle which we [define "we" - I got nailed on this a lot in school] endure every single day. There are countless decisions to make, innumerable lessons to be learned, and untold discoveries to conceive. My freshman year of Woodrow Wilson High School could possibly be the greatest engagement of my entire young adult existence. My less than two pound [either hyphenate or reword] kitten taught me that you should never give up no matter what the circumstances are. Without the guidance of my runty feline friend, I might not be here today.

Love is the utmost sinful pleasure in the universe; we crave this feeling like a menstrual woman in dire need of chocolate. I never thought that the deranged temptation of love would morph me into a desecrated corpse of blood and tears. Why would I want to take my own life because of someone who didn’t return my love? Looking back at that first year of high school, I struck strike [you're looking back now, so use present tense] myself as a petty child. I was an absolute fool. How could one emotion overwhelm your body and whittle it away to nothing? The answer, provided by Comprehensive Psychological Services, was that I am clinically depressed and suffered from an anxiety disorder. [there's a tense switch in the previous sentence ("am...suffered"). Pick one tense.] Their solution, [no comma needed here] was a prescription of ten milligrams of Prozac and weekly meetings with a therapist. My savior was a domestic short hair tabby adopted from the Portsmouth Humane Society.

Peering into a steel cage, my eyes [or just say "I"] spotted a tiny mewing fuzz ball – this was not my cat, but his already adopted litter-mate. My fur ball savior had just been taken to PetSmart’s adoption center. Immediately, my mother drove me over to PetSmart where my eyes laid on [awkward wording here] the pint-sized kitten. Fifty dollars and a few forms later, I had my Leonardo. I felt blessed by the gods to have this white-furred cat with patches of blonde stripes. Finally, I could have that unconditional love; Leo was like my child… a child with colitis. [might want to define what colitis is] My parents were terrified that Leo was going to die; they also dreaded that I might hurt myself over the loss of my newly adopted kitten. Against all the odds, as well as and after four hundred dollars in vet bills and medicine, my baby pulled thru through. Even when Leonardo's weight got to under a pound, he kept fighting for his life. My cat was determined to live – he was not going to give up his life without a challenge. This birthday present, that was meant to just cheer me up, turned out to be the best medicine I could ever have.

Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson from them. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive to exist unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings. Now, Leo is a healthy twelve pounds, thirteen ounces, and addicted to cat n**. I am mirthful to say that Leo and I are lavishing [Both your adjectives here are too strong, and "lavishing" doesn't even fit.] in life. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet, [again, no comma needed here] to a prolific [prolific at what? Breeding? Writing? You have to be prolific at something. I think the word you want here is "productive".] human being. And it’s all thanks to a cat named Leonardo.

I highlighted the changes I made. Great essay, Ace. Your wording was just a bit funky there.

I just made some very minor changes mostly punctuation/capitalization. You dont have to keep any of the word changes i made... they were really more suggestions.

My changes and notes are in green.

And I've some general suggestions for you, based on my own experience and what the teachers nailed me on when I started writing xD

~There are a couple places where it looks like you went to a thesaurus - I dunno if that's what you did or not; that's just what it looks like to me. Based on that, I would suggest that you'd do well to work with both a thesaurus and a dictionary - make sure that the word that looks good in a thesaurus is really the one that fits the context and strength of feeling, too.

~Pick a tense and stick to it. If you change tense, make sure it's necessary, like in a flashback (past-tense), or reflection. I know in speech, we switch tense all the time because we're not being graded on it; in writing, it's tempting to type like we talk, but we need to go back and make sure all the tenses line up. There are instances where it's acceptable to switch tense in the middle of the sentence (like "I was so dumb then; these days, I know..."), but for the most part, they are accompanied by tense-words ("then" and "these days" in my example), and it's usually safer to make tense-switches between sentences.  

[churrlo]

Well I was gonna make some changes but everyone's made all the changes I was gonna make gonk *useless*  

[Goddess Ace]

lol @ all three colors

I'll make the changes, and yeah - I used a thesaurus, since I'm Honors my teacher said to use stronger vocabulary.  

[Lily the Pink]

Sheer_Immortal

Sakura-Kyoukan

EggaxSponge

Goddess Ace

This is an essay due Tuesday, I'm not really worried about it too much but I would like someone other then my Mom to proof read. The red bolded "who" is appearing as an error, spell checker says it should be "which" but I'm not sure. Also, the sentence I underline I think needs to be fixed, not sure though. So help please <3

Quote:

An Important Lesson from a Furry Critter

Life is a continuous struggle which we [define "we" - I got nailed on this a lot in school] endure every single day. There are countless decisions to make, innumerable lessons to be learned, and untold discoveries to conceive. My freshman year of Woodrow Wilson High School could possibly be the greatest engagement of my entire young adult existence. My less than two pound [either hyphenate or reword] kitten taught me that you should never give up no matter what the circumstances are. Without the guidance of my runty feline friend, I might not be here today.

Love is the utmost sinful pleasure in the universe; we crave this feeling like a menstrual woman in dire need of chocolate (Weird metaphor. Don't use it.). I never thought that the deranged temptation of love would morph me into a desecrated corpse of blood and tears. Why would I want to take my own life because of someone who didn’t return my love? Looking back at that first year of high school, I struck strike [you're looking back now, so use present tense] myself as a petty child. I was an absolute fool. How could one emotion overwhelm your body and whittle it away to nothing? The answer, provided by Comprehensive Psychological Services, was that I am(make sure your tenses agree)clinically depressed and suffered from an anxiety disorder. [there's a tense switch in the previous sentence ("am...suffered"). Pick one tense.] Their solution, [no comma needed here] was a prescription of ten milligrams of Prozac and weekly meetings with a therapist. My savior was a domestic short hair tabby adopted from the Portsmouth Humane Society.

Peering into a steel cage, my eyes [or just say "I"] spotted a tiny mewing fuzz ball – this was not my cat, but his already adopted litter-mate. My fur ball savior (You already used savior once, and recently, so I suggest using something else.) had just been taken to PetSmart’s adoption center. Immediately, my mother drove me over to PetSmart where my eyes laid on [awkward wording here] the pint-sized kitten. Fifty dollars and a few forms later, I had my Leonardo. I felt blessed by the gods to have this white-furred cat with patches of blonde stripes (Awkward sentence, even with previous changes) . Finally, I could have ("Experience" might be a better word choice. Avoid using passive verbs) that unconditional love; Leo was like my child. . .a child with colitis. [might want to define what colitis is] My parents were terrified that Leo was going to dieWhy?; they also dreaded that I might hurt myself over the loss of my newly adopted kitten. Against all the odds, as well as and after four hundred dollars in vet bills and medicine, my baby pulled thru through. Even when Leonardo's weight got to under a pound, he kept fighting for his life. My cat was determined to live--(need to use two hypens to make a dash, and no spaces before the next word)he was not going to give up his life without a challenge. This birthday present, no commathat was meant to just cheer me up, no commaturned out to be the best medicine I could ever have.

Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson from them. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive "Strive" is awkward in that context, how about "drive? to exist unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandingsToo many big words all in a row, get rid of one. It just sounds like you're trying too hard.. Now, Leo is a healthy twelve pounds, thirteen ounces, and addicted to cat n**. I am mirthfulNeither mirthful, nor lavishing fit. What about just "happy" or something along those lines? to say that Leo and I are lavishing [Both your adjectives here are too strong, and "lavishing" doesn't even fit.] in life. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet, [again, no comma needed here] to a prolific [prolific at what? Breeding? Writing? You have to be prolific at something. I think the word you want here is "productive".]Agreed. Prolific means "a lot". You probably meant "productive"human being. And it’s all thanks to a cat named Leonardo.

I highlighted the changes I made. Great essay, Ace. Your wording was just a bit funky there.

I just made some very minor changes mostly punctuation/capitalization. You dont have to keep any of the word changes i made... they were really more suggestions.

My changes and notes are in green.

And I've some general suggestions for you, based on my own experience and what the teachers nailed me on when I started writing xD

~There are a couple places where it looks like you went to a thesaurus - I dunno if that's what you did or not; that's just what it looks like to me. Based on that, I would suggest that you'd do well to work with both a thesaurus and a dictionary - make sure that the word that looks good in a thesaurus is really the one that fits the context and strength of feeling, too.

~Pick a tense and stick to it. If you change tense, make sure it's necessary, like in a flashback (past-tense), or reflection. I know in speech, we switch tense all the time because we're not being graded on it; in writing, it's tempting to type like we talk, but we need to go back and make sure all the tenses line up. There are instances where it's acceptable to switch tense in the middle of the sentence (like "I was so dumb then; these days, I know..."), but for the most part, they are accompanied by tense-words ("then" and "these days" in my example), and it's usually safer to make tense-switches between sentences.

-My changes are in orange, you can message me to discuss them if you want, or if I'm offline you can email me at sporty750@yahoo.com  

[Goddess Ace]

Some of the changes seem too conservative D:

Not only that but it's kind getting dumbed down as well.  

[tsukasa_the_quiet]

I would throw in my thoughts on it, but it seems that your essay has already been edited to pieces. xD

You could always give it to a teacher and have them read it over and suggest changes. That's what my Lit teacher is having us do for our college application essays at least.

that's what I'd do anyway, not that I don't trust my fellow guild members, but I think it would be a fairly safe bet that none of them teach writing or Lit classes for a living. So why not give it to someone who's job it is to help?  

[MonsieurSponge]

Will is right. And on a side note Ace, my mom always told me not to use words that didn't sound right in the sentence. It may appear "dumbed down" and you may not be using your nice vocabulary, but the overall effect is well-pieced and sounds good.  

[Goddess Ace]

My current English teacher is dealing with the non-honors kid who are like dumb as hell.
And my last English teacher was horrible, hell, the one I have now admits it.
And the English teacher I had freshmen year does drama club so she's busy.
I don't really have any other literature teachers D:

My cousin is teaching first year English at Radford University but I don't think she'll get back with me until next month xD  

[tsukasa_the_quiet]

Goddess Ace

My current English teacher is dealing with the non-honors kid who are like dumb as hell.
And my last English teacher was horrible, hell, the one I have now admits it.
And the English teacher I had freshmen year does drama club so she's busy.
I don't really have any other literature teachers D:

My cousin is teaching first year English at Radford University but I don't think she'll get back with me until next month xD

Well then, previous comment retracted I suppose. xD I'm sorry that all your English teacher are too busy/ suck too much.  

[Lily the Pink]

Dumbed down? No way, it sounds so much better. A technique I use when I can't find anyone to edit my papers is to read it out loud. That way, I'm much more likely to catch mistakes.

I took two Honors English classes in high school, one AP Literature, a Journalism class (so I had to write for it, and I was a part-time editor), and I'm in Honors English 150 (the equivalent of English 310) at college right now, so I know a lot about grammar and editing papers.