Now that I've finally gotten some sleep and cooled down quite a bit, I re-read the letter and found it to be somewhat amusing. Hence, I decided to post it here to see what other people thought about it.
WARNING: The following contents which you are about to read contains some mild and some wildly vulgar terminologies. If you do not like cursing and do not know how to take a joke, it is highly advisable that you ignore this topic. The person whom this letter addresses shall remain strictly anonymous save for her gender.
stress relief
DEAR ANONYMOUS,
YOUR ESSAY SUCKS… BIG TIME. DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU DO NOT PRACTICE YOUR SHITTY ENGLISH, YOUR PAPER IS HAS NO HOPE IN RECEIVING RECOGNITION FROM A WARTHOG SCREWING A GIRAFFE. IT WAS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO "EDIT" IN OTHER WORDS: WRITE A PAPER THAT DOES NOT CONCERN ME OR MY INTERESTS YOUR ESSAY. PLEASE NOTE THAT ALTHOUGH COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES DO CARE ABOUT AP EXAMS AND WHATNOT, IT IS ALREADY RECORDED IN YOUR SCHOOL RECORDS AND THE APPLICATION READERS LOATHE APPLICANTS WHO KEEP SHOVING THE FACT THAT THEY LOOK SOME STUPID a** AP COURSE... BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO RETAKE THE SAME DAMN THING WHEN YOU GO INTO COLLEGES ANYWAY!!
THEREFORE I WOULD LIKE TO ADVISE YOU TO ******** LEARN SOME GODDAMN ENGLISH AND STOP PRATTLING ABOUT IN ******** WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY FLUENT AT IT! WHY ELSE THE ******** WOULD YOU LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE, ANYWAY? I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF MORON DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER PRACTICING THEIR SECOND LANGUAGE WHEN THEY KNOW THEY'RE MOST PROBABLY GOING TO BE EDUCATED IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY? AND WHILE I'M AT IT, I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SUGGEST THAT YOU SCREW TRYING TO GET INTO AN AMERICAN UNIVERSITY AND BEGIN LOOKING INTO PREPARING COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAMS FOR ******** UNIVERSITIES.
AND GUESS WHAT? THE ADMINISTRATION OFFICE MEMBERS KNOW THAT YOU'RE *******, SO AS LONG AS YOUR ESSAY IS ENGAGING, YOUR ENGLISH DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK AS THOUGH IT'S SOME KIND OF GODDAMN JANE-AUSTIN-REINCARNATE!
ALSO NOTE THAT I HAVE OTHER STUDENTS' ESSAYS TO WORK ON. STOP BEING A SPOILED, SELFISH a** AND KINDLY BEGIN CONSIDERING OTHERS WHO ALSO REQUIRE EDITING. JESUS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT? YOU'RE GOING TO BUST MY a** AND GET ME FIRED? FINE THEN! ******** THIS s**t! I CONSIDER MYSELF BEYOND WRITING COLLEGE ESSAYS ANYWAY. I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN MONEY SO THERE!!! I'LL BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING… b***h!
MOST UNSINCERELY,
YOUR EDITOR.
P.S. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING RAT'S a** IF YOU'RE GOING TO GO SOBBING TO YOUR MOTHER TO b***h AND WHINE ABOUT THIS LETTER, BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF YOU BECOME SOME KIND OF FACTORY WORKER IN THE MIDDLE OR IRAQ. THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO SUCKING AWAY ALL THE HOURS I COULD HAVE SPENT IN WRITING MY NOVEL. YOU MAY NOW GO BURN IN HELL.
P.S.S. AND ONE MORE THING:
DEAR MORON,
YOU SUCK... AND YOU DESERVE TO DIE A VERY SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.
YOUR ESSAY SUCKS… BIG TIME. DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU DO NOT PRACTICE YOUR SHITTY ENGLISH, YOUR PAPER IS HAS NO HOPE IN RECEIVING RECOGNITION FROM A WARTHOG SCREWING A GIRAFFE. IT WAS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO "EDIT" IN OTHER WORDS: WRITE A PAPER THAT DOES NOT CONCERN ME OR MY INTERESTS YOUR ESSAY. PLEASE NOTE THAT ALTHOUGH COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES DO CARE ABOUT AP EXAMS AND WHATNOT, IT IS ALREADY RECORDED IN YOUR SCHOOL RECORDS AND THE APPLICATION READERS LOATHE APPLICANTS WHO KEEP SHOVING THE FACT THAT THEY LOOK SOME STUPID a** AP COURSE... BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO RETAKE THE SAME DAMN THING WHEN YOU GO INTO COLLEGES ANYWAY!!
THEREFORE I WOULD LIKE TO ADVISE YOU TO ******** LEARN SOME GODDAMN ENGLISH AND STOP PRATTLING ABOUT IN ******** WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY FLUENT AT IT! WHY ELSE THE ******** WOULD YOU LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE, ANYWAY? I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF MORON DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER PRACTICING THEIR SECOND LANGUAGE WHEN THEY KNOW THEY'RE MOST PROBABLY GOING TO BE EDUCATED IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY? AND WHILE I'M AT IT, I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SUGGEST THAT YOU SCREW TRYING TO GET INTO AN AMERICAN UNIVERSITY AND BEGIN LOOKING INTO PREPARING COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAMS FOR ******** UNIVERSITIES.
AND GUESS WHAT? THE ADMINISTRATION OFFICE MEMBERS KNOW THAT YOU'RE *******, SO AS LONG AS YOUR ESSAY IS ENGAGING, YOUR ENGLISH DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK AS THOUGH IT'S SOME KIND OF GODDAMN JANE-AUSTIN-REINCARNATE!
ALSO NOTE THAT I HAVE OTHER STUDENTS' ESSAYS TO WORK ON. STOP BEING A SPOILED, SELFISH a** AND KINDLY BEGIN CONSIDERING OTHERS WHO ALSO REQUIRE EDITING. JESUS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT? YOU'RE GOING TO BUST MY a** AND GET ME FIRED? FINE THEN! ******** THIS s**t! I CONSIDER MYSELF BEYOND WRITING COLLEGE ESSAYS ANYWAY. I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN MONEY SO THERE!!! I'LL BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING… b***h!
MOST UNSINCERELY,
YOUR EDITOR.
P.S. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING RAT'S a** IF YOU'RE GOING TO GO SOBBING TO YOUR MOTHER TO b***h AND WHINE ABOUT THIS LETTER, BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF YOU BECOME SOME KIND OF FACTORY WORKER IN THE MIDDLE OR IRAQ. THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO SUCKING AWAY ALL THE HOURS I COULD HAVE SPENT IN WRITING MY NOVEL. YOU MAY NOW GO BURN IN HELL.
P.S.S. AND ONE MORE THING:
DEAR MORON,
YOU SUCK... AND YOU DESERVE TO DIE A VERY SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.
Note that I don't really swear that much in real life. The lack of oxygen in my brain at the time I wrote it and the sheer frustration at the state of the essay I was editing really blew my fuse. ^_^;;
