I'm not sure how to handle this ._.

[Awiergan Retribution]

I realize that this isn't an LI forum, and I of course know that I look like a f** for asking for IRL help on an internet forum, but sometimes obscure problems need even more obscure solutions.

I seem to have:
Depression, paranoia, something. Or a mix between apprehension and premonition. Either way, I feel sick and emotionally drained, and have no idea what to do about it. Perhaps it's nothing, but it's effecting how much energy I have, and it's making me unable to be the sarcastic d**k that I usually am. (Well, I can always be a sarcastic d**k, but I usually feel happy when doing it. Now, I'm mad at everything. And instead of enjoying being mad, as I usually do due to it's being a rare occurrence, I just feel pissed at myself.)

Here's my problem. If you take anything science or reality has ever seriously proven as being an absolute truth, then stop reading as of yesterday so you don't think I'm trolling, because I'm not. This is more than somewhat serious to me. You don't have to take it serious..ly, as allowing me to simply post it is in fact room enough to allow me to organize my feelings, though feel free to contribute.

In highschool, I had a friend-girl whom I dated who was not my girlfriend. ********, this was highschool, s**t's supposed to be complicated. Regardless, I was infatuated with this girl's ability to kick societies a**. She could quite literally balance belief in God and Christian faith against bisexuality and , violence, and mutilation. She chose to live with a mother that she wanted to kill over the grandparents who gave her everything for her own entertainment. She could dress like some type of ******** up goth one day and appear professional in any environment the next. She could abuse those around her while raising and morally strengthening her two younger cousins.

I've realized since I met her that my own moral sense has become slowly more synchronized with hers. Of people who have influenced my life, she's near the top. Yet, at the same time, I became out of contact with her and have heard less and less, with occasional rumors I picked up from friends.

Here's the biggest issue. I had a dream last night. I walked into some sort of office, and she was in the waiting room. We talked, I guess, but I couldn't get her to say anything of any consistency. Then something happened, I have no clue what, and I suddenly woke up, yet couldn't remember what the ******** I was dreaming about, and went back to sleep.

Later, at work, in the middle of the day, I had one of those "wouldn't it be interesting if someone I knew walked up today". And I thought about her, and then I remembered the dream.

Yeah, just a dream, so what?

But the thing is, I've got this horrible feeling now. And I can't get her out of my mind. Over 12 hours now, and she's still there; I can't think of anything else.

I'm not in love or any other dramatic bullshit, mind you. I'm honestly scared. It's a thought that makes me shiver; it makes me genuinely frightened, which is actually amusing to me as I doesn't afraid of anything. But the thing is, I have no way to get in touch with her. No idea where she is, or what has happened. And I'm honestly afraid to ask any of my friends about her, though I may yet.

The only picture I've ever had of her on my computer is of her covered in blood, and I guarantee it isn't all hers. Unfortunately, I've misplaced it, which brings me great despair, as I haven't seen her in over a year now and would give anything to see her face.

The funniest thing is that I can no longer find her on the internet, despite that she was part of many of the same communities I was (gaia included).

Take my handle for example. I usually go by programmer437 on the internet. Do a google search. You get links to gaia, youtube, uer, ytmnd, myspace, photobucket, facebook, russian sites I can't even read, gamefaqs, Mr. Fetch hate pages, newgrounds, several programming pages, and a whole lot of other s**t.

Seriously, nothing has ever occupied my mind this consistently; not even wondering what I'll get in the morning on Christmas Eve. At first I thought I was feeling sick because of that stupid spider that bit me the night before last, but that's definitely gone away, and I still feel like s**t. And much more emotionally now.

I'm not an overly emotional person. I haven't cried in > 3 years, I don't get excited, I don't get depressed, etc. Things shouldn't bother me. (Nothing ever bothers me.)

It's like a god awful sickening apprehension that something is happening and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. If I were being realistic, I'd say I've somehow managed to trigger a suppressed memory or feeling that I'd been pretending I didn't have for her, though it really doesn't feel like it. If I were being less realistic, I'd say that I'd just sensed something horrible happening to her, though I'm not quick to turn to the paranormal as a plausible solution.

WHAT DO I DO? This is preventing me from functioning normally our enjoying my ordinary activities, and it's making work extremely difficult and tiring.  

[TheBlueWarrior]

Jeez, and here I was thinking that designing a tank was hard...
Well, have you tried, I know it sounds silly, but maybe facebook?
I know you can load your email list into the site to look for friends and stuff like that.  

[Iconised Ghost]

eek tricky. But she was on the internet, and everyone on the internet leaves something of a trail right? Maybe she changed her user name for some reason...although knowing how many communities people tend to be part of on the internet that would have required quite a lot of effort on her part...maybe start with old common contacts who might know where she went or why you cant find her on the internet, and work your way through any leads that might come up. And since that might take a long time, it'll give you time to wonder why you're obsessing over her and what makes you suddenly think that something has/might have happened to her

I dunno if that helps, just kind of thinking out loud  

[Awiergan Retribution]

TheBlueWarrior

Jeez, and here I was thinking that designing a tank was hard...
Well, have you tried, I know it sounds silly, but maybe facebook?
I know you can load your email list into the site to look for friends and stuff like that.

You have to understand, think of this girl as an evil clone of myself, with many of the same realizations about social networking. She hasn't been on her myspace/facebook/etc, in a long time.

She has a tendency for running off, though it never bothered me before because I'm quite certain she can take care of herself. I've had friends disappear, even die, and it's never bothered me at all. But suddenly I'm more worried than I've ever been about someone I haven't seen in forever.

Tomorrow I'll call my friends from highschool and see if I can find anything, but I'm just as worried as to why I'm bothered as I am about what's actually bothering me. It's funny.  

[Zaoth Kun]

I will always care about you....

To be honest I'm a bit like this. I actually spoke to my friend on msn for 7 hours last not (eventually going to bed at 4am) about how s**t my life is because I feel depressed o.o I don't ever get depressed but everything is building up.
He eventually calmed me down...


I don't know what to do in your suituation though hun.... You have no way of contact and all I can think of is just message her on her facebook/myspace and hope for the best she goes on it. Or go on her facebook and stalk her friends and ask them if they know where she is. She may of moved? may not... Did you know where she lived? If so go to her area and see if she still lives there. Also the reason you may have her on your mind is because you idolise her and when you had that dream your brain clicked and wanted to see her. You don't know that something bad happened in your dream you may of just woken up. I can have the nicest of dreams and just wake up randomly.

...Because I love you!

 

[jfm567]

awww, somebody missed their snuggle wuggums. in a creepy, morbidly scary few paragraphs.

well, you could always drive down there in your pimp wagon. but otherwise, i think you might actually........ have a heart. o_o  

[SakuChwan]

She'll pop up again sometime. Everyone does. She's prob just in a tight spot and focused on work or college etc... or doesn't have access to the internetz right now.  

[Dr Entropy]

._. Look her up in the phone book?  

[Awiergan Retribution]

jfm567

awww, somebody missed their snuggle wuggums. in a creepy, morbidly scary few paragraphs.

well, you could always drive down there in your pimp wagon. but otherwise, i think you might actually........ have a heart. o_o

That might not be a bad idea, but it'll be a few months before I have reason/time/money to drive that far. She's back in Greenville, after all. I was going to go visit her and some of my other highschool friends towards the end of the school year, but I got caught up on something.

@Zaoth Kun: Like I said, she doesn't use the sites anymore. I also personally deleted my myspace account quite some time ago (so I can't get on), and I know she doesn't use facebook.
I'm hoping you're right, and that some unused set of long forgotten synapses in my brain decided to start up again, possibly set off by the dream or something else. But it's a bit bothersome for a huge hole to exist where there hasn't been one for years.  

[TheBlueWarrior]

Hire a private detective, oh wait, no money, thats right...  

[YukaSilkenFur]

All I can say is do everything you can to find out what's happened to her. sweatdrop emotion_hug  

[Artanus]

If this was an M. Night Shyamalan movie, you'd probably find out she died years ago and you repressed the memory. Hmm... maybe I shouldn't have said that.

If she seems to be so illusive, find her mom or grandparents, they're bound to know where she is. If you guys were friends, you probably know where they live, right? EDIT: Oh, too far away. Do you know her mom's number?

Also, if you want, I can check myspace for you if you give me the name.

OH s**t! Better yet: Chacha. They're a service you can text message with any question. They'll find out and call you back. They found my friend's dad by giving them my friend's name. Just give em' the full name of this girl and ask for a number and/or address.

If you don't have a phone I'll do it for you. Anything to help.

Edit: Woopseh, Number: 242-242  

[YukaSilkenFur]

Artanus

If this was an M. Night Shyamalan movie, you'd probably find out she died years ago and you repressed the memory. Hmm... maybe I shouldn't have said that.

If she seems to be so illusive, find her mom or grandparents, they're bound to know where she is. If you guys were friends, you probably know where they live, right? EDIT: Oh, too far away. Do you know her mom's number?

Also, if you want, I can check myspace for you if you give me the name.

OH s**t! Better yet: Chacha. They're a service you can text message with any question. They'll find out and call you back. They found my friend's dad by giving them my friend's name. Just give em' the full name of this girl and ask for a number and/or address.

If you don't have a phone I'll do it for you. Anything to help.

Edit: Woopseh, Number: 242-242

I was thinking the Shamalan thing too... sweatdrop  

[Krystalcat]

The reason she's on your mind so much is cause you dreamed about her, and some dreams have a funny way of messing with your mind. I've had dreams that affected me for several days afterwards, changing my behavior towards certain people even.

If you know her real name, it is possible to find her. (even if she got married, though that will be harder). I found an old elementary school friend based on knowing her last name, and the state in which she had been living. I found her parents rather than her, but it got me in contact with her again anyways. A lot of the websites that help you search for people cost money, but some of them will give you enough information without paying that you can still find a phone number that will lead you to the person you are looking for.  

[angel_half82]

I went through the same thing when I was younger. Her name was Heather and she was just a friend of mine and I tried to find her for a loooooooooong time after I got out of the Army and when I finally found her she was a heroin addict and it totally crushed me. She was a really good friend of mine and she couldn't even recognize me because she was so high.

When you put people up on a pedistol(sp?) like that they tend to disappoint you. She'll be back online it will be all about how her life got flipped turned upside down.