The Case Against Pickles

[Jafthasleftthebuilding]

Since childhood, no, since the time I found myself able to retain memories, I have been at odds with this so called "food" product. You can find it in hamburgers, other types of sandwiches, alone or even in a jar. Sometimes it is crisp, other times, it has a soggy texture, but at all times, I harbor a violent dislike towards it. What in the world could I be talking about? Friend, I speak of the dreaded pickle. The plural form being "pickles." The pickle is one of the most evil, disgusting, displeasing foods being sold to human beings for consumption. And so begins my case against pickles.

Biting into a juicy, mouth-watering hamburger only to have the taste and texture of a salty pickle ruin the day with its slimy texture and salty, nasty flavour proves to be detrimental to the culinary experience. From personal experience I am able to come to this conclusion. I realize how the pickle experience is highly subjective and that different people will have differing opinions about the taste of pickles, but that will not stop me from telling the reader a little story. I have always tried my best to remove the pickles from my hamburger. I usually found myself enjoying a delicious hamburger, before I knew how unhealthy most of them were, with my family when I bit into one of those sneaky pickles that sneaked in between the buns. As I was enjoying the warm meat, the sweet ketchup, the tangy mustard, the chopped-up onions, the soft, gentle buns and sometimes the smooth, melted cheese, the pickle and its pickled companions would interrupt the festivities in my mouth with their sour, salty taste and jelly-like texture. I remember the experience being equivalent to biting into a piece of gelatin that has been out for much too long. Why would anyone do that to an innocent cucumber? I also realize that not all pickles are equal and that some are crispy, but crispy or not, a pickle is a pickle. And pickles ruin my day. Back to the story, immediately, I could tell my fast food feast would fail to properly feed me because once that slimy slice of pickle slid onto my tongue and forced its taste onto it, I could go on no longer... until I split the buns apart and took out each pickle, one by one. The unpleasant, alien texture and the salty, sour, repulsive flavour completely ruined my meal many a time. The horror I felt is similar to the horror one feels when biting into a piece of freshly baked bread only to hear a spine-tingling crunch as your jaws close down on the formerly delicious baked good. Pickles do not belong anywhere near me. They are foul creations designed to cause heart attacks and take away from my eating experience. They should be expunged from this world, or at least from my city. I want to be able to walk outside safely in my neighborhood, a pickle-free neighborhood.

As a one line recap on what I presented so far, pickles have an unpleasant texture with a taste that could use much improvement.

Pickles represent evil in its most disgusting form:

Point made.

In conclusion, I strongly dislike pickles and always will. Down with the pickles empire!

Baa.  

[Arcanas]

That's very interesting Jaft, because you see, I don't mind pickles so much...it's the onions that irk me...just the smell of them is enough to make me vomit, even though there is nothing yet in my belly...so then, I would just proceed to vomit the acid from my stomach.  

[Jafthasleftthebuilding]

Onions make me cry, but that's about it. I don't like them having a strong smell, but eating them in no problem provided they are small cuts or fried. If the fried onion ring is too big though and I start having to feel too much onion with my tongue, I lose my appetite.

I hear tea with heavy honey can help out with the aftermath of vomiting. Or maybe just suck down a bottle of honey.  

[Arcanas]

I do like honey...especially with biscuits... I've got a strange craving for Popeye's biscuits now...

Maybe it's a texture thing as well with the onions...even if I'm not made aware that they're in the food, I'll know.  

[Froggy]

Down with pickles! Down with pickles!  

[blue_green]

Jaft... You know I'm going to have to disagree with you, as you know that I absolutely adore pickles, aside from your hideous picture up there. sweatdrop I just love salty food in general, really and the vinegar from pickles is good for my throat, as I get sore throats a lot, especially when I don't eat pickles.

Now, personally, I hate when I go to Taco Bell and I order my taco just the way I like it, only to find that a small leaf of lettuce has gotten in there! scream Now, I realize lettuce does not really have much taste to it, but it is not the taste that bothers me, nor even the texture really. It pisses me off because for some darned reason, I can't chew lettuce!! crying And then if I try to eat it anyways, it somehow gets stuck to that thing at the back of my throat, y'know, the dangly thing, and sets off my gag reflex. gonk  

[wakusei]

Pickles are groooooss.

They take over the taste of anything they're on, blagh.  

[aretoo]

Hrm... I like MOST pickled things I've come into contact with (though I'm still not too certain about kim chee (sp?)... however, I don't like all pickles with all foods. And sometimes I want pickles on burgers, and sometimes I don't. I like onions, too. Fried, deep-fried, sliced raw and on burgers, in soups... Of course, I'm pretty omnivorous, and have a palette that enjoys a good range of flavors, so... ^_^

Really, the only foods I don't like are those I've overdosed on at some point in my life. Like split pea soup, for example. ninja There's a restaurant in northern California called Anderson's. Their specialty is split pea soup. They used to have a special on said soup for all-you-can-eat. We stopped there when I was a wee lad of 10 or so... I ate 8 bowls of split pea soup. Which is apparently a lifetime supply for this raccoon... ^_^  

[Jafthasleftthebuilding]

Woah! This guild has an Omni-Moderator AND a Forum Assistant. We're cool. cool

blue_green

...as I get sore throats a lot, especially when I don't eat pickles.

That sounds like withdrawal. I think you are addicted to pickles. You know what, I have seen you eat them on camera, but you do not only eat the pickles, you drink the juice.

To borrow from wakusei, "Blagh." ;D

As for your lettuce problem... Maybe you need better molars so your uvula does not become so irritated, but I'm sure your gagging attracts all the boys. biggrin

@aretoo: I have done the same thing with corn dogs.  

[Arcanas]

...pickling brine...ew...

my cousin's boyfriend drinks that stuff >,<  

[Erverain]

And here I was thinking this was about Pickles the person.
As it is, I too cannot stand the corrupted cucumber that is a pickle. I just don't like them.  

[Chexley]

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
There they are a'standing in a row!

Pickle brine is DELICIOUS. I'll swallow a spoonful to get my sour fix. I've never had the opportunity to eat a lot of pickled things, aside from ginger and well... pickles.

I heart onions. I can eat them raw if I was feeling adventerous enough. I even eat them with fried liver.

"Give them a twist, a flick of the wrist!"
That's what the showman said!

 

[pickle relish]

Well, I for one like pickles. I've liked them ever since I was little. I'm pretty sure they were one of the my favorite foods. Oddly enough, I only like dill pickles, and not really any other kind. :S

Aside from eating pickles by themselves, I usually only eat them on hamburgers.

I don't drink pickle brine, though. I used to when I was little, but I'm not longer that crazy. :3  

[Arcanas]

I like the bread and butter pickles  

[Chexley]

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
There they are a'standing in a row!

*Begins salivating as she thinks about deep fried dill pickles.*

"Give them a twist, a flick of the wrist!"
That's what the showman said!