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I don't have the best spelling or grammar, so if you think that a sentence should be writen better, tell me. I suck at describing things, so it won't be very descriptive, and it'll be very short. Tell me if I should write more.


Lori was steaming.
"Why!? Why should I marry him? I don't even know him! He's from a rich family isn't he!" she screeched. "Just because I'm your daughter doesn't mean you get to marry me off to someone I don't want to get married to!"
Lori Lakki was a natural beauty. She had dark hair, dark skin, but she had peircing eyes, which added to her beauty. They looked like they were on fire, she was furious. Her mother tried calming her down, to no avail.
"But you'll have everything you could ever want. Jewels, animals, and trips to different towns and villages and cities. With in reason of course," her mother argued.
"I want my own freedom!" Lori screamed.
"Well, you're going to do what your father and I tell you, or you will never see the light of day ever again. I swear to the Gods and Goddesses," she mother said.
"Try me," Lori snarled.
Her mother sighed. Lori was escorted out of the study. She looked at the guards, just some extras. Lori smiled to herself. She was shoved into her room and she stumbled into her clothes chest. She shot daggers from her eyes at the two guards, who closed her door and locked it. She looked around, her bedroom was neat again. Her bedroom was made up of her brown chest, her large bed with gold and red beaded blankets and pillows. Not the most comfortable. She gritted her teeth and opened her chest. There was a deer-sking bag with all she needed for a long journey. She walked to the door and knocked on it sweetly. The dead bolt slid open and the door opened.
"What do you want?" the guard grunted.
"To leave," she said, kicking the guard as hard as she could. He screamed in pain and she slid out. The other guard tried to grab her, but she was to nimble. She dodged his hands and she tripped him on the way out. She ran down the hallway, looking for her secret passage. She heard the guards behind her. Her legs were pumping and she was almost short of breath. She turned the corner and ran into her older brother. He fell to the ground and so did she. She got up quickly and ran on. She was almost there.
"Lori!" she heard her name being called. She ignored it, she was at the staircase. She pulled the tapistry back and was about to run in when she was stopped by the forces that were standing there, waiting. She felt something slam into her head before she blacked out scompletely.

I like this - I get a good sense of Lori's personality right from the start. 3nodding Just be careful not to overuse some words, for example "She looked around, her bedroom was neat again. Her bedroom was made up of her brown chest...", or "She ignored it, she was at the staircase. She pulled the tapestry back.."
As for describing things, I sometimes have trouble with that too and have found that really trying to picture what the situation/location/person looks like helps a lot. Sometimes I draw pictures or mind maps as well and go through all the details like colours, expressions etc. even though I might not include them in the story later.
Looking forward to the next part of the story! 4laugh

Looks like everyone else has already commented on what I was going to say. The formatting and spelling are the biggest things for me but like Sofia Wilhelmina mentioned, the syntax and flow of the words are important too.

Other than that there were two things that bumped me out of the flow of the story.

I'm not sure about this but it seems implied that women who are of dark skin and hair are intrinsically less attractive in this world? The wording "She had dark hair, dark skin, but she had peircing (sp=piercing) eyes, which added to her beauty" makes it seem like the eyes are making up for the negative aspects of having darker hair/skin. I'm not sure if you meant to imply that or if I just picked up on something that wasn't important but it might be better if you simply said 'and' instead of 'but' unless within the world your story is set in people of darker skin are considered less attractive and that turns out to be important to the plot somehow.

Also, what's her brother's name? (Just curious) With a name I feel like I'd be able to connect with him or remember him better if you did decide to continue.

That said, I'm in love your character's attitude. She's very lively and full of action and I think you've done a wonderful job setting up her personality (which is so far nothing short of awesome whee )

Mostly all I have to add is the same everyone else has said. Also, too and to are different words used differently.

I hope you're planning on bringing something special to this story. So far it's a story I've read probably 30 other times. Forced marriage, oh no! Spunky girl refuses and tries to flee, oh my! Next she'll meet her fiancé and actually find out she's attracted to him and despite her better judgement she'll slowly fall for him all the while thinking he's a emotionless cad that has no feelings for her. In the end one of them will profess their love for the other and they'll live happily ever after.

Sound familiar? Don't write that story, please.