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Okay, so I seriously love this character, but I've been told he's a total Mary-Sue. Somebody help me make him imperfect!
Name: Nicholas Thornton Baker
Age: In human years, fifty four. He looks to be about seventeen, though, 'cos he's a vampire. Every time I see this, I facedesk. Looking younger, yeah, okay, I guess, but that it's always a teenager... I and a lot of people I know are likely to take this character much less seriously
Build: Tall, rather muscular, but built like a beanpole.
Looks and Manner Of Dress: He's got black hair that's insanely curly and black eyes. Black eyes are silly Although he lives at high elevation (The Colorado Rockies), he stays inside most of the time, and is very pale because of it. you don't actually get all that pale from staying inside most of the time He's got dark circles under his eyes and wears silver-framed glasses. actual silver? Fancy He HATES shaving (would rather have teeth pulled...), and this means he's usually stubbly. If this were the case, he would probably be shaggy, not stubbly. If you hated shaving that much, you wouldn't do it, like, at all. I don't see what's to hate, though; if you don't like cutting yourself, use an electric. It takes 20 seconds of rubbing it on your face
How to describe how Nicholas dresses...? He's well-dressed, I suppose. On a normal day, he'd wear dark wash jeans, dress shoes, a Beatles T-shirt (or something similar) underneath a long-sleeve black dress shirt, left un-buttoned. Oh, and his black fedora. He's inordinately attached to that damn thing. That's not well dressed. He's eccentrically dressed, perhaps.
Personality: Rather arrogant, but in a quiet and brooding sort of way. He is under some delusion that he doesn't have to take notes and still pass Spanish class, for example. He is 55 years old, why is he still taking classes? He should have learned this crap already He doesn't like to talk to people; he'd much rather be reading or listening to music or something. His inner thoughts can be really condescending and patronizing.I think this character is going to be more obnoxious than relateable, honestly
Once he actually gets to know a person, he's quite friendly. He can come off as cold, but has a soft heart, really.I don't think this works very well with the above. Most arrogant people I've ever met were arrogant through and through, and while getting to know them makes them act less arrogant, they still think the same things they do. They just keep it to themselves more often
He has impeccable manners, because that's how he was raised. He's also good at faking happiness... An interesting talent. pretty much anyone can do this
Interesting Tidbits You Might Want To Obliterate: He was born in New York City, but speaks with no accent (I think that's interesting.). "No accent" makes no sense. He has an accent. Everyone has an accent
He's a talented singer (his mother performed on Broadway, and that's how his parents met.). Mother being a singer doesn't mean anything about him
He's got the following freaky supernatural powers: Vampirism (100% vampire bloodline), manipulation of metal, manipulation of water and ice, mind control of other vampires. I always hated superheroes with a bevy of powers. This is hardly any different
He's afraid of drowning and of the people he loves getting hurt. A fear that's not really much of a fear. Of course he's afraid of drowning. No one wants to drown. What else is he afraid of? People he loves getting hurt seems pretty superfluous seeing as, given his personality traits, those would be few and far between to begin with. And not just because he's an a*****e, but because people don't like assholes, either.

Speaking of, though, you're probably writing it so that people seem to like him. That wouldn't be good. Because I already think he's either going to come off to people as a douchebag, or as a whiny emo twit. Neither of those are generally all that popular with other people.

I think that's all... please, help me to make poor Nicholas less of a Mary-Sue. biggrin

Wowie! This is great! I want to get back to all of you....
Let's begin with Lyvidian: His past is interesting, and he doesn't typically talk about it much, because, well, he doesn't talk about himself much. He was quite nearly born out of wedlock, but his parents got married about a month before he was born, and if he wasn't conceived, his parents probably wouldn't have been together. He lived in NYC until he was about two years old, when his father started traveling for the company he runs here in 2010. They settled down about twenty years ago near Boulder, Colorado (a very strange town) in a freaking massive house.
His relationship with his family is rocky at the moment. He's dating a girl (Maya, who I'll probably ask for help with once I get Nicholas all figured out) who isn't a pureblood and is from a not well-liked family, which pisses off his grandparents. His mother is pushy when it comes to his dating life (she hid birth control pills and pregnancy tests in Maya's guest room once, to drop a hint). His father is distant.
His love life is practically nonexistent. He's fifty four at the moment and is on his first girlfriend EVAR. Wow... Why...? However, he and Maya have a really strong relationship, How...? First relationships tend to be pretty ... dysfunctional. Especially when you have a lot of baggage like this guy does but have gotten into some nasty arguments.
Eylios: Yeah, some of my characters are odd, just like me.
Secret Kirari: He can be a pessimist, yes, and is heavily sarcastic, especially when he's tired or pissed off. People think he's strange; he's the kind of guy who walks down the hall at school singing along to his iPod, carrying a gigantic mug of coffee in one hand and a copy of The Iliad in the other, ignoring the world around him.
I suppose he's a bit distant because he was forced into a social life at a young age, because of his bloodline and how vampire society works. It's rebellion. Impotent rebellion. A better "rebellion" would be to use the skills he has doubtless learned to play the game purely so he can humiliate others in the society
Articx-Frost: (wow, lots to respond to! Thank you!)
Respectively, from what you said:
*Yeah, I think I'll make him less muscle-bound. Good. I figured you'd actually change this one yourself, which is why I didn't mention anything last time
*Hmm... interesting. But I'm attached to his black eyes... LOL. Have to think about this one. I made him have this color because they never show any emotion at all (forgot to put that bit in). It makes him a bit more strange. It makes him ridiculously strange, yes, but it has no meaning re. emotion. Eyes, like literally just eyes, don't show any emotion at all. They're dull balls of jelly that some people might find have a pretty color or two. The emotive parts of the eyes are all the muscles around them. Having black eyes won't help at all. Babies have black eyes, they're still emotive.
*That's very true. Hmmm...
*Yeah, vampirism isn't really a power, but I couldn't think of another place to put it!
He's supposed to be a bit of a godmode type of character. Not only is he afraid of his powers, but his girlfriend (Maya, as mentioned above) is, too. But, I'm planning a massive re-write, so you never know. I don't really see the "afraid of powers that I'm in full control of" sort of thing. I can see why Maya would not be happy, though, since it's hard to trust someone with his personality, especially knowing they hold a lot of power over you. Especially the mind control part. I, for one, would never trust someone who could control my mind, even if I loved them. Or especially if I loved them -- that might be a lie forced on me by them.
And the mind control thingy is something all purebloods can do in this story. It's supposed to be another way to make him and his family seem terrifying. But, this is really good advice! See above
Thank you all so much! -goes off to grab some paper-