THE ANGST ZONE (Use this, for the love of internetz! ><)

[The Dinosaur Next Door]

I'm not sure if this goes here... I'm angrier than I am angsty.

So, this really rude kid comes up to my door on the seventh and tells me that I can sponsor him going to school. I send him away with a check and find out the next day that I was taken for my money. I immediately sent one copy of the reciept with the cancellation notice to the company.

Almost two weeks later, the check tries to clear in my account. I wasn't planning on paying that, so the check bounced and the bank took the remainder of my money as an insufficient funds charge. I call the bank; they say that I can only prevent the check being cashed if I stop payment on it. I call the company; they're extremely rude to me and tell me that because they don't have proof that I mailed the cancellation, they're still going to try to pay my check. They tell me that if I stop payment on it, they'll send it to some collection agency (which will take me from no credit to bad credit.)

I'm going to cancel the payment on the check tomorrow. I'm going to get paid tonight, but I'm not going to deposit it until the check is stopped. If I get a call from a collections agent, I'll tell them to suck it.

:snarl:

Click my eggs and hatchlings, please!

 

[sahihen]

I hate myself. Honestly. It's really pathetic. I get so... infuriated by the littlest things in this house, get really bad sleep, and just make myself feel worse. I need to move out, but I stay why? Because I'm scared to move out and go out into the world and crawl out from under my rock. While I slowly crawl towards death.
I got help once when I almost snapped. I was so close to killing the people in my house and myself. She helped me out a lot and I wouldn't be here without her and then I turned 18. Said I wanted to try another person... Guess how that went.
I couldn't crawl out from under my rock and call a few people to set the wheels in motion again. I did nothing again when I had the chance because that's how I am. When something falls into my lap I push it away in fear and run as fast as I can.
I would rather suffer then get help. Even when there's nothing else left I'd rather hide.
I'm sick of it and myself, everything around me and I still won't get help. I won't move out when I need to.

I hate what I am and always have.
I just want a nice long vacation away from everyone and everything so I can think things through and for once find out who I am.
It's really sad and pathetic. I'm just a little kid who needs there hand held and be told what to do.  

[~DR.MOOFASA~]

i don't know if he removed the stuff with me in it on purpose or accidently...
..kinda made me sad. ='[

for some reason there's almost always something that weighs on my mind when i have work to get finished. gonk  

[Sentama Lin]

I've been watching Home Alone and other movies. Home Alone is significant to me because I remember always watching it -- even when it wasn't Christmas. I guess it's been one of my closeted loves (along with Bette Midler and other things). I love the story aspect, that after being alone for so long (to a child's mind -- and certainly to my mind) in the end you'll have a family to go to; people that you love and people that love you back, always.

I guess that's why I'm writing. For the first time in my life I actually felt alone in the familial sense. Though I still have family here, it doesn't feel like family (save for my sisters). I made up my mind that I can't really trust my parents anymore (at least, my mother) and even when things are okay again I'm afraid that I can't treat them as the family that I need and want anymore. So, I know this time that I won't have a real family feeling this Christmas, and it saddens me a lot that I don't feel I'm getting the love that I need and want from the people that should be giving it.

I'm lonely, and lonely in more than the relationship sort of way. I actually truly feel physically and emotionally alone. My roommates, when they return in January, and when I return to live with them, sort of feel like family, but even that isn't exactly.

I want a place where I can belong; a place where I know that, after I go home every day, no matter how shitty the work day was, no matter how humbling things went, I'll have a physical place to call home. I'll have people who will say hello and give me hugs and, maybe, have a meal waiting for me prepared and sitting nicely in some Tupperware in the fridge.

I guess that's all I really want for Christmas this year, isn't it?  

[Pnytenshi]

I'm sure that many of you know that i have a fiance... I kinda screwed up a bit and we became a couple, boyfriend-girlfriend. then problems started up. He started to become controlling and i started to become weaker... I started to lose myself... and i thought that i couldn't survive without him...

I'm starting to do things on my own and i don't think he liked it... he started to think that i was lying to him all the time... then last night, i was finished. he called me a liar and told me that i wasn't doing what i was doing, which was meeting up with associates for a company meeting. then i told him when he wanted me to defend myself, "Why should i defend myself if i told you the truth or not? What's the point?"

then we both had it with each other... He called me a liar without telling me what i "lied" about!! I'm done with him... and i think i'm done with guys for a while... gonna miss sex... crying  

[Sentama Lin]

(This is more Anti-Angst than actual angst. Posting this here is for the sake of convenience. I don't really care if other people read this, but this is really meant for the closer friends I have in here. It's an exact copy of a letter I've sent my close friends in real life so make some interpretations, or use common sense and think about how it can apply to you, when things say "Meet in real life" or things of that sort)

ninja
Dear Beloved Friends:

I've received the book (recommended by my psychologist) that, after all the years of counseling and other treatments, actually makes me feel better about continuing life and eventually ending the depression and other feelings that have plagued me for my life's entirety. While I will be spending January time searching for a job to continue making money (so I can eventually get back on my feet) and doing the Master Cleanse, the other majority of my time will be spent going through workbooks and creating plans for myself to stay happy and functioning for (hopefully) the rest of my life.

One of the things that I need, from the people that are willing to help me, are at least five people that are willing to help me out as I work on the exercises this January and that are willing to be my trusted support group for, possibly, the rest of my life (or, at least, be able to help me during an episode or be able to notice the signs I discover about myself that signal an episode).

My responsibilities to people who would be willing to help me would be to tell them everything: how I feel right now, how I felt in the past, what my life was like, and what my current physical, emotional, mental, financial, and holistic situation is. This will be one of the hardest steps for me because it will require me to find time to essentially spill everything to the people who are willing to help me. It will be hard for me to talk, and I guarantee I'll shed a few tears, but for the people who have the time to help me I need to share everything about me that I can. I'll also be sharing with you all, if necessary and when necessary, the answers I have provided in my workbook.

The thing I ask from the people who are willing to be in my support group is, fundamentally, a listening and empathetic ear. I also ask for patience because this is going to be very hard for me to accomplish, especially at the start. I'd like to feel safe and comforted when I begin to talk to all of you, and I'd like some kinesthetic sensation (hugs, affections, that kind of thing). I'd also want people who won't mind if I cry, potentially yell, or other things. One last thing I ask is that people don't tell me to "Pull myself back together" or that "I'm being lazy." I've been trying very hard to keep what semblance of life I have left intact.

Again, if you can't help me right now I'll understand; we all have our things that we need to do. Right now, though, I need these five people that will be here with me, as I heal, that will be more than just friends. You can write a note in here or message me; I'm going to assume messaging will be better and more private. For the people willing, I'd like to meet with them when it's convenient. Perhaps we can go to Tea Garden or Cafe Bene or Trotters or something.

Thank you for all of you who can help me, and thank you for everyone else who at least read the note.
ninja  

[sahihen]

... No one in this house has any respect for other peoples things. At all.
My $2 500 mac is left on the desk to charge. And when I come back from work. Guess what? A bunch of stuff is on top of it! If it were Colins? He'd scream and yell at me till the cows came home!
I tell him NOT to put things on it. He says to put it on a chair... Yeah. That's what I'll do. People will sit on it break it and put things on it. Then what? I'll be the one paying for the damage!
My food is constantly being eaten and then people go and say they never touched it... That's why grapes slowly disapeer or someone leaves the crums behind. Yeah. I payed for it told you not to eat it AND left a note.
Things always get moved around or thrown across the room. My backpack or even my CAMERA! It gets thrown and has things loaded on top of it or put in places where people will sit on it.
I put it somewhere I want it to stay there or tell me to move it/give it to me. I don't want things that I invest for my future goals to get wreaked!

Everyone says I didn't it eat or put it in your room. ...
Grah. I hate this place I really need to move out.  

[TieselGirl09]

You're not petty smile It's good to let your emotion's out. I did!! On the most romantic thread I posted the most un-romantic comments...  

[invisible-weirdo]

Ugh....I guess it's me that has to revive this s**t >.>

So yeah. UGH. This is part of the reason why I don't call anymore. Because either I'm doing something wrong or screwing over my life, or my choice in friends get attacked. So what if they aren't all in school right now? That doesn't automatically make them bums >.<
And I hate it, absolutely HATE IT when you talk about him that way >.< I'm so glad you can't see my face over the phone. I'm so glad you can't see in my eyes how much I want to smack you across the face. I'm so glad you can't see how tightly I'm clenching my fist, holding back the urge to throw something across the room.
And I feel so bad that my brother has to suffer for my not calling. I miss him too and I worry about how he's doing, but if i call him, then I'd have to eventually talk to the parents as well. And quite frankly, it's best if I avoid that for now lest I develop aneurysms >.>. So I'm sorry Matthew. If by some odd chance you actually log onto Gaia and you actually check in the ATG, I hope you'll understand.
>.<  

[aretoo]

sad  

[invisible-weirdo]

Thanks Aretoo. ^^
But seriously. Gr. I just hate the way my parents talk about my friends. Seriously. You'd think they'd be happy that I managed to find people that actually make me happy, that I made friends with the few people from my high school that didn't get knocked up in their Junior year or aren't constantly getting high >.<
GAH. *shutting up now*  

[~DR.MOOFASA~]

don, we're always here when you need us. you know that. <3

okay. here's why i can't calm myself down and stop crying:
- been wanting to talk to sean for a couple days about something and can't seem to find the time over skype since he's not feeling well.
- he forgot our anniversary... that's not the part that sucks though, what sucks is that he doesn't seem to care about it. it's a big deal for me. i know we're both working but i didn't expect anything more than to spend what little free time we'd have together.
- so while i go downstairs to brush my teeth and distance myself for a bit, i TIHNK it's him calling (which kind of made me feel like he realized how sad it made me)... but it's my uncle. i tell him granny's gone to the doctor and he, even though he knows i have work tonight since i told him... decides to guilt me a little and tell me to go with granny whenever i have free time to go with her. i have a MILLION things to do and that's just not fair. made me cry more. plus... sean didn't clue in that i was upset, and didn't call.
- my face still hurts from the scratches on my cheeks from this face bar... and now i have to go to work sniffley and miserable.

happy ******** day to me.
we talked and he understands how i felt, and i understand how he meant some stuff as opposed to how it sounded. he's not a jerk sweatdrop thought i'd clear that up. 'twas a misunderstanding, and he was sweet for calling me when i told him about the string of annoying phone calls i was getting. O_O;

EDIT: *ahem* ...(see above correction). smile i'm okay now. still a bit overwhelmed between work and school and volunteer coast guard... but i'm alright. ^^  

[Agent_of_Misfortune]

invisible-weirdo

Thanks Aretoo. ^^
But seriously. Gr. I just hate the way my parents talk about my friends. Seriously. You'd think they'd be happy that I managed to find people that actually make me happy, that I made friends with the few people from my high school that didn't get knocked up in their Junior year or aren't constantly getting high >.<
GAH. *shutting up now*

i know that feeling... my grandparents (who i was living with at the time)
told me that i dont need friends.. and that its perfectly normal to live your life with out them...

i retorted something along the lines of:
"WHO THE ******** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?!? just because you both have no where to go on a Saturday night, dosent mean you can intrude in my live and attempt make my decisions for me! i know FOR A FACT that if i EVER need help with something.. i just have to make a couple phone calls... i would do ANYTHING for my friends and they would do ANYTHING for me... so ******** YOU!!!

mrgreen  

[o_OEverlastingStarO_o]

Booty Grab heart heart heart twisted twisted twisted rofl rofl rofl  

[aretoo]

Everlasting: Probably not the right place for that, unless you take your booty grab very, very seriously...