THE ANGST ZONE (Use this, for the love of internetz! ><)

[AlcoholicPancake]

Well, this is my first time really posting something in here other than just a response to someone else I believe, but meh, it's got me frustrated with myself, and confused as hell.

Basically, it goes like this:

For the past 14 years of my life pretty much, I've been trying to get my real father's name from my mother. She would never tell me and always say " You don't want to know " ..... Obviously, I DID want to ******** know, but no, she has already treated me like a little kid, and it pissed me off. Well, a few days ago, I finally got her to crack and she told me his name. I was happy with that information, and I figured " Hey, I know his name, but he's unlisted in the phone book. Oh well, I suppose I may NOT be able to meet him or ever get in contact with him " but that was fine for me, as I was sure I wanted to MEET him just yet, only know who he is. Well, she ruined that moment of me being content by also letting me know " Oh yeah, his brother, your uncle, lives right around the corner from here. You've probably been past the house dozens of times while walking. "

....

That made things all the harder on me... I know which house is his now, and I've realized that almost all the times I used to go walking with my friends during the day and we've passed that house, that he's been sitting outside. All those opportunities to talk to him, but I never knew at the time. Now that I do know though, I can't really BRING myself to go talk to him. How would I introduce myself, really? " Hi, I'm your nephew " ? Just doesn't seem right for me. Honestly, I'd enjoy meeting them, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to risk meeting them and actually enjoying their company. Up until now in my life I've always had the fact that I've never known my dad, and that he left and wanted nothing to do with me as an excuse to being the ******** up p***k I am. Sure, not a very good excuse, but it DOES really impact a growning child when they're seeing their brother's dad's coming over to pick them up to go have fun, while they sit there thinking " How come my dad never comes to get me to bring me places? What did I do wrong? " So it's always kind of fit that I was a bit off. Of course, then my mom tells me not to be mad at my dad for leaving, because she told him that she didn't want him to have anything to do with me. Well THANKS mom! You could have at least told me that when I was younger rather than just " You don't want to know him " Half my ******** life I was wondering if it was me that the guy didn't like or want to see.

Now, suddenly all this information drops into my lap, and I don't know whether to be happy that she finally told me, or to be frustrated as hell to have kept this from me so long. The LEAST she could have done when I was younger is got him to maybe explain a bit to me, but no... Instead she just does this and ******** with my head more.

Also, to those in the IRC chat a couple nights ago, I've decided against trying to psychologically damage him if I do meet him. It's not worth my time to do that.  

[pickle relish]

When I got the headache earlier today, I should have taken that as a hint that today would suck, and stayed in bed.

But instead a took a nap, felt a bit better, and curled up to watch a movie.

When my mom got home from work, she asked me to go to the library for her, and sent me with her library card, which happens to be attached to her car keys.

On the way home, my car died. In the middle of a road. I tried restarting it, but it just kept dying. So I panicked, and called my mom. Except, oh, right. I had her car keys. So she was going to have to walk.

Luckily, a nice gentleman helped me push my car off the road, and my mom got a ride from our neighbor. We ended up needing the car towed, so we waited half an hour for a tow truck, so my car could be towed to our mechanic.

Except the stupid guy brought his girlfriend with him. So there was only room for one of us in the truck with him. My mom took her keys and went with him, and I got to walk halfway home.

Oh, and I still have a headache.  

[Arcanas]

...what kind of car are you driving?  

[pickle relish]

A 1991 dodge shadow. It has a load of issues, and we've paid about $1000 in repairs in the two months I've had it.

As it turns out, the gas gauge had stopped working, and while it said I had a quarter of a tank, I was out of gas. >.<  

[Kaz Likes Cookies]

Needed to get this out cause I'm really mad at myself! I was in the marketplace listing my celestial wrap thing. It was worth about 20,000 gold. I accidentally left a 0 off and it got sold for 2k! fml... I know it was my fault, but it still sucks. =( I really really needed that gold.  

[Lola Kashmir]

Sometimes I really hate being single. I think there is something wrong with me sometimes because all my friends tell me I'm pretty but not a lot of guys find me attractive. I am told its because I speak what's on my mind and I can be very crude. To enjoy being single, I mainly just chill with my friends and focus on making guy friends instead of having a relationship with them. Works for me!  

[God-Raped-Me]

I can't ******** sleep! It's almost 1:30 I've been in bed since 11pm and I can't get to sleep at all! I have to be up at 6:30am too! This ******** sucks, I think I'ma try taking Gravol! Wish me luck!  

[God-Raped-Me]

Hmm no one has posted since I did last, I wonder if this would consist of double posting...

Everything today is pissing me right off! The house is always messy despite my daily cleaning it. The dogs that aren't mine are always pissing and shitting on the floor and that REALLY pisses me off because I don't want my kids to play around in it, however at the same time it's not my responsibility to clean up after them. I would just stick them outside however the one is a yappy little b***h, and I really wouldn't mind if she was hit by a car! My brother-in-law has his pipe in a pouch that my uncle made and I'm pretty sure he's going to say he got it from ******** head that was stealing off me, if that is the case I'm pressing charges on the ********! I'm done with my brother-in-law constantly bringing things back that was "given" to him by asshat there! Daddy-in-law can't bring dishes back from downstairs. There was almost a full load of dishes in his ******** room.

I WANT TO MOVE OUT!  

[Slim95]

Edit: Got a solution.

Solution = Simplify simplify, Slim. I think I'm just going to take another wee break from social interraction (of the offline and online persuasion), and settle down for some painting and reading. 3nodding

@GRM: Golly, it sounds like you have a full house... I'd go nuts trying to cope with so many irksome creatures at once.

sweatdrop But I too am a dish hoarder. Sooooooo.... Maybe that wouldn't bother me so much.  

[God-Raped-Me]

If it were your kids dishes being horded you would probably care. I bought plastic stuff for the kids so that way they wouldn't break the ones GTR and I bought. I bought like 10 bowls and cups, I have maybe 4 cups left and 6 bowls and that's AFTER gathering them!

I want my mommy! crying  

[Kaz Likes Cookies]

*hug for GRM*

seems like you need it.  

[God-Raped-Me]

Oh I do... I do. I want to go back to my mommy's! And the stupid thing is my parents wanted me home this weekend but I had made plans for tonight and they got ******** over, how nice... How ******** nice!  

[Kaz Likes Cookies]

fml...just fml...

So, my morning wasn't that bad. Was totally dead tired, but I lived. Got to my last block at school (AP Latin) and I finally realized that I don't KNOW any latin. My teachers have sucked and i'm screwed for the AP test in May. I know it's childish, but I seriously felt like crying in class I'm in soo over my head.

I get home and talk to my parents about dropping the class. They pretty much agree. So all good you think? NOT. My mom scares me with almost telling me that she ordered the wrong textbook for a class that started TODAY. Luckily, it was the right one. Problems avoided?

Tonight, however, we took my 15 year old Sheltie to the vet. She had a bump on her. Turns out, it's a tumor in her sinuses. They can't do anything and only time will tell how long she'll last. fml...just fml...  

[God-Raped-Me]

I hate weekends. stare  

[~DR.MOOFASA~]

to panny: ...yeah, i think the way you feel now is how my nephew (okay, second cousin) is going to feel, or atleast similar to. he probably doesn't understand why his dad's not allowed to see him. but what he doesn't know and will probably find out later, is that it's because of his mom's own anger.. =[ it's not right. i know his dad's not the finest, shining example of a great father/husband (former now)... but the kid atleast deserves to get to know his family more.
...we stopped seeing the kid maybe... a couple years ago. the only people who see him now are his dad's two sisters and the kid's grandpa on dad's side. his mom's not a bad person, i just don't agree with that particular decision.

and i kinda know how it feels too, justin. i only got to meet my dad when i was 12, and only got to find out that i had a sister when i was 16. >_> you can immagine how furuous i was.

basically... you've got every right to feel frustrated and happy at the same time. what your mom did was probably to protect you, even though it definately wasn't the right choice in your eyes (or mine :/). it's how i felt when i found out that my parents had been hiding my sibling from me for SIXTEEN ******** YEARS.
*ahem* ... *hug* you'll come to be alright with things eventually. and it'll be tough getting up the courage to go see your uncle/meet your dad... but i guess, just grab the bull by the balls horns .. xD
just go for it. smile atleast you'll be able to come away with more perspective, i hope.

(by the way, happy belated birthday ^^)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

uh... i think sometimes i suffer from what i call "hermit syndrome" xD
it doesn't make me angsty, exactly... it's just something weird that i can't explain. @_@
like... sometimes i just feel like disappearing from gaia and other places altogether for long periods of time, and sometimes i just feel like being invisible or not talking to anyone on MSN. even though i will still go on msn razz just to talk to sean, actually.
and then there's other times where i don't feel like hanging out with anyone... just holing up in my room. O_O there's really no reason for it... and the being a hermit from friends is rare.

but i don't get it, y'know? like... i don't understand why it is that i just feel like retreating into my shell and hiding from people sometimes. sweatdrop it's not like i don't want to talk to people, because i DO ...
...maybe it's just lazyness to respond? usually when i read things, i wind up having LOOOOOOONG responses, or feeling particularly passionate about stuff, but it's too much effort at the time to get into it because it'll take forever.

even now.

neutral


...or maybe it's not lazyness, maybe i just like having the ability to be invisible from time to time. maybe it's like i have the power to observe...
i like observing. ^^ (not in a creepy way o.o ... )

people always take it the wrong way. it's not that i don't want to talk to people, i just generally like dropping off the face of the earth sometimes. or maybe i don't even like it, but just do it... maybe it's fun, maybe it's because i just do it and am numb to it.

(there's only a small handful of people i never hide from, even in hermit mode xD)

if i just disappear from ATG and social situations sometimes, it's just because that's what i do O_o.

o.o ...iunno. this is a really long rant/philosophization (is that a word?).
bah, done now. xD sorryyyy!!!