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Jafthasleftthebuilding Vice Captain
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 Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:13 pm
Celestial Burden Incredibly Short Thesis On April 20, 1999, an event that shook the entire country and ignited the fight over gun laws occurred. Having planned for a year, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold went into school equipped with numerous bombs and both carried guns and knives. After killing twelve students and a teacher, the two turned their guns on themselves in the school library. Their goal was not only to see as much carnage as they could, but to be remembered. The resulting panic as schools across the country raised their security by setting up for students to be screened with metal detectors as they entered the building and groups fought to get stricter gun laws made sure that the Columbine High School shooting would never be forgotten and neither would to two teens that carried out the act. Even today, the controversy around gun laws and restrictions in states and even on the national level still flares. ...yes. My thesis. Is six sentences. Why? Because the entire display can only have 500 words on it. Which sentence or pair of sentences is your claim? I ask because I can't find it and that should be bad sign, unless I'm horrible at reading right now. Lol. A thesis is your claim. The rest of that writing is your introduction paragraph. I put a strike through what your thesis may be. The bold has to do with a spelling error and the italics means that sentence has to be reworked structurally. It has an introductory clause, but you didn't put a comma anywhere and it turned itself into a run on sentence. That's my two cents. -- Well, you're gay. Or are you bi? I forget, but anyway, queefs are hilarious AND gross. xd
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:15 pm
Looks pretty good to me, Cel. The sentence that starts with, "The resulting panic..." is too long, methinks. I lost the point halfway through it. So if you could find some way to break it up, whether by comma or by period, that'd be nice. Other than that, can't find anything wrong with it.
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:17 pm
The theme of NHD this year is 'The person in History' so mine is Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold and gun laws in the US.
He told us to treat our thesis as our intro, and that it should be at least a paragraph. Which made no sense to me, but...Anyway, the claim is that Columbine had an effect on those laws.
...as for the structural rework, I'm going to blame the fact that my keyboard doesn't work right, so when I hit the keys to put in the punctuation and get rid of things, it doesn't always happen.
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:26 pm
Once upon a time, in a place not so very different from this, a giant was sitting on a stump in the middle of a forgotten forest...
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Jafthasleftthebuilding Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:29 pm
I have... Not heard any teacher or professor telling me to do that. xD
Strange, strange.
Well, once you're able to fix that sentence, your claim will become more obvious.
Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold's quest for violence and legacy in the Columbine High School had a direct effect on gun laws in the US.
I'm used to seeing stuff like that. >_>
Meh.
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:36 pm
I AM HERE! for a little while anyway... hi guys!
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:37 pm
Sanzoskitsune I AM HERE! for a little while anyway... hi guys! *coils up on Sanzos head* ^^ Oh yeah I got a DS Iec :3 *just remembers after playing on it for the past hour* XD
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:38 pm
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:41 pm
*hugs* ^^ How are you? ^^
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:42 pm
pretty good, got everything ready for the trip, we are just waiting to leave 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:43 pm
Viral C Sanzoskitsune I AM HERE! for a little while anyway... hi guys! *coils up on Sanzos head* ^^ Oh yeah I got a DS Iec :3 *just remembers after playing on it for the past hour* XD Oh really ? PS0 here we come! lol
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:43 pm
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:46 pm
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:50 pm
Iecur Viral C Sanzoskitsune I AM HERE! for a little while anyway... hi guys! *coils up on Sanzos head* ^^ Oh yeah I got a DS Iec :3 *just remembers after playing on it for the past hour* XD Oh really ? PS0 here we come! lol Yeah. just need to find out how to get on the wifi razz my other games wouldn't go through with it San: hope you have fun ^^
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Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:51 pm
Jaft Well, you're gay. Or are you bi? I forget, but anyway, queefs are hilarious AND gross. xd You asking me ? Uh I am me ? I'm with who I am because I want to and that's it ? Did I ever tell you that I was anything ? Are they ?
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