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 Posted: Sat May 27, 2006 3:22 pm
"After the refreshing shower she got dressed and walked downstairs to the kitchen. The oven time showed that it was now 4:30, she had taken a longer shower then she thought..." She found a Dvd to watch and put it on and sat down to eat her breakfast." This is a good example of the problem with tenses. All the verbs in this paragraph are past tense, if you want them to match the feeling of the paragraphes above and below, they should be swiched to present "After the refreshing shower, she dresses and walkes downstairs to the kitchen..." And so on.
Also I wanted to adress the idea of sensoring your writing. It's ugly. "F***" looks worse in a piese of writing then "********" does, trust me. There are other, slightly more stratagic ways to do this, for instance "She swore." Or in present tense "She swears." But then again if you want your charactor to say "********" by all means, make her say "********" and don't be ashamed. The beauty of writing is that the FCC hasn't gotten to it yet.
The last critical thing I have to say is that there is alot of room for editing, not all of the sentenses are correctly constructed. Your grammar and spelling are okay in most places.
Now here's the good stuff:
Your movement is good. When your charactor runs into the burgeler (or whoever that is) it was very suspenceful, great job with that. I'm quite jeleous actually, because I have a very hard time working out fight and action scenes to be crisp and yet discriptive, and I think you captured the essence of the situation perfectly.
I have one more problem, there's not enough. Lobo seems to agree with me. wink
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Posted: Sat May 27, 2006 3:25 pm
MrJimmy "After the refreshing shower she got dressed and walked downstairs to the kitchen. The oven time showed that it was now 4:30, she had taken a longer shower then she thought..." She found a Dvd to watch and put it on and sat down to eat her breakfast." This is a good example of the problem with tenses. All the verbs in this paragraph are past tense, if you want them to match the feeling of the paragraphes above and below, they should be swiched to present "After the refreshing shower, she dresses and walkes downstairs to the kitchen..." And so on. Also I wanted to adress the idea of sensoring your writing. It's ugly. "F***" looks worse in a piese of writing then "********" does, trust me. There are other, slightly more stratagic ways to do this, for instance "She swore." Or in present tense "She swears." But then again if you want your charactor to say "********" by all means, make her say "********" and don't be ashamed. The beauty of writing is that the FCC hasn't gotten to it yet. The last critical thing I have to say is that there is alot of room for editing, not all of the sentenses are correctly constructed. Your grammar and spelling are okay in most places. Now here's the good stuff: Your movement is good. When your charactor runs into the burgeler (or whoever that is) it was very suspenceful, great job with that. I'm quite jeleous actually, because I have a very hard time working out fight and action scenes to be crisp and yet discriptive, and I think you captured the essence of the situation perfectly. I have one more problem, there's not enough. Lobo seems to agree with me. wink
lol ill try to continue it xp and i didn sensure it the moderators from where i got it sensured it. but hey your a mod fiks it razz
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 1:26 pm
Update you big tentacled b*****d ^_^
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 1:40 pm
AlcoholicPancake Update you big tentacled b*****d ^_^ Procrastination will be the death of me... sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 1:49 pm
MrJimmy AlcoholicPancake Update you big tentacled b*****d ^_^ Procrastination will be the death of me... sweatdrop
lol *hugs* jimmy please update ^_^
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 1:51 pm
Hey Jimmeh, why don't you sticky this, it'd be easier to find and post your updates then.
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 2:03 pm
shram MrJimmy AlcoholicPancake Update you big tentacled b*****d ^_^ Procrastination will be the death of me... sweatdrop
lol *hugs* jimmy please update ^_^
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader The attempt shall be made. Got your first fight scene lined up for this update. AclPan: Somone already suggested that, and I opted to instead add it to the map thread. The idea is good, but I don't feel like this thread has something to offer to everyone, and in my opinion a sticky has to meet that requirement. If more people complain about it to me I'll most liely cave... sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 2:05 pm
MrJimmy AlcoholicPancake Update you big tentacled b*****d ^_^ Procrastination will be the death of me... sweatdrop Or angry readers who want you to update it might be the death of you
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 2:06 pm
MrJimmy shram MrJimmy AlcoholicPancake Update you big tentacled b*****d ^_^ Procrastination will be the death of me... sweatdrop
lol *hugs* jimmy please update ^_^
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader The attempt shall be made. Got your first fight scene lined up for this update. AclPan: Somone already suggested that, and I opted to instead add it to the map thread. The idea is good, but I don't feel like this thread has something to offer to everyone, and in my opinion a sticky has to meet that requirement. If more people complain about it to me I'll most liely cave... sweatdrop
I say just leave it for now instead of sticking
on another not fightscene eh? make me good XP
im unsure wheter i like my personality or not sweatdrop
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 2:12 pm
shram MrJimmy shram MrJimmy AlcoholicPancake Update you big tentacled b*****d ^_^ Procrastination will be the death of me... sweatdrop
lol *hugs* jimmy please update ^_^
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader The attempt shall be made. Got your first fight scene lined up for this update. AclPan: Somone already suggested that, and I opted to instead add it to the map thread. The idea is good, but I don't feel like this thread has something to offer to everyone, and in my opinion a sticky has to meet that requirement. If more people complain about it to me I'll most liely cave... sweatdrop
I say just leave it for now instead of sticking
on another not fightscene eh? make me good XP
im unsure wheter i like my personality or not sweatdrop
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader Yes, I've been thinking about rewriting you, and a couple others. You don't seem... Shrammie enough to me.
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 2:26 pm
MrJimmy shram MrJimmy shram MrJimmy AlcoholicPancake Update you big tentacled b*****d ^_^ Procrastination will be the death of me... sweatdrop
lol *hugs* jimmy please update ^_^
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader The attempt shall be made. Got your first fight scene lined up for this update. AclPan: Somone already suggested that, and I opted to instead add it to the map thread. The idea is good, but I don't feel like this thread has something to offer to everyone, and in my opinion a sticky has to meet that requirement. If more people complain about it to me I'll most liely cave... sweatdrop
I say just leave it for now instead of sticking
on another not fightscene eh? make me good XP
im unsure wheter i like my personality or not sweatdrop
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader Yes, I've been thinking about rewriting you, and a couple others. You don't seem... Shrammie enough to me. Have him run up and punch a baby, then scream "LOL BANNED"
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 2:44 pm
AlcoholicPancake MrJimmy shram MrJimmy shram
lol *hugs* jimmy please update ^_^
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader The attempt shall be made. Got your first fight scene lined up for this update. AclPan: Somone already suggested that, and I opted to instead add it to the map thread. The idea is good, but I don't feel like this thread has something to offer to everyone, and in my opinion a sticky has to meet that requirement. If more people complain about it to me I'll most liely cave... sweatdrop
I say just leave it for now instead of sticking
on another not fightscene eh? make me good XP
im unsure wheter i like my personality or not sweatdrop
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader Yes, I've been thinking about rewriting you, and a couple others. You don't seem... Shrammie enough to me. Have him run up and punch a baby, then scream "LOL BANNED"
I think he meant more i dont really seem leaderish XP like here im pretty.. leading lol and encouraging people XP..
in the sense i take charge alot
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 3:05 pm
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 3:06 pm
I loved it! -clings to you- Make another!
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 3:16 pm
shram AlcoholicPancake MrJimmy shram MrJimmy shram
lol *hugs* jimmy please update ^_^
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader The attempt shall be made. Got your first fight scene lined up for this update. AclPan: Somone already suggested that, and I opted to instead add it to the map thread. The idea is good, but I don't feel like this thread has something to offer to everyone, and in my opinion a sticky has to meet that requirement. If more people complain about it to me I'll most liely cave... sweatdrop
I say just leave it for now instead of sticking
on another not fightscene eh? make me good XP
im unsure wheter i like my personality or not sweatdrop
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader Yes, I've been thinking about rewriting you, and a couple others. You don't seem... Shrammie enough to me. Have him run up and punch a baby, then scream "LOL BANNED"
I think he meant more i dont really seem leaderish XP like here im pretty.. leading lol and encouraging people XP..
in the sense i take charge alot
: Shram The ATG Vampire Leader Actually you hit the nail on the head Shram. you are the leader type, and in the story I want to make it more like without you GiRRaffE would be... just a directionless club, because god only knows that Ala and I are HUGE procrasionaters. I'll post the new section soon and we'll see if I still need to go back and rewrite your part.
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