Doing my final copy now

[tsukasa_the_quiet]

Lily the Pink

Dumbed down? No way, it sounds so much better. A technique I use when I can't find anyone to edit my papers is to read it out loud. That way, I'm much more likely to catch mistakes.

I took two Honors English classes in high school, one AP Literature, a Journalism class (so I had to write for it, and I was a part-time editor), and I'm in Honors English 150 (the equivalent of English 310) at college right now, so I know a lot about grammar and editing papers.

See, but the fact is that while your advice could be accepted, most of us are only in High School, and our opinions don't really cut it when it comes to editing papers because we are still learning. I think Sheer is about the only one here that I know of that actually holds a degree in this sort of thing, so she is the most expert one here in this subject.  

[Lily the Pink]

[Tsukasa567]

Lily the Pink

Dumbed down? No way, it sounds so much better. A technique I use when I can't find anyone to edit my papers is to read it out loud. That way, I'm much more likely to catch mistakes.

I took two Honors English classes in high school, one AP Literature, a Journalism class (so I had to write for it, and I was a part-time editor), and I'm in Honors English 150 (the equivalent of English 310) at college right now, so I know a lot about grammar and editing papers.

See, but the fact is that while your advice could be accepted, most of us are only in High School, and our opinions don't really cut it when it comes to editing papers because we are still learning. I think Sheer is about the only one here that I know of that actually holds a degree in this sort of thing, so she is the most expert one here in this subject.

Yeah, but that's the idea, we're all still learning, in fact, even teachers mess up. Students edited each other's articles most of the time in Journalism. In fact, the advisor didn't even see them until the very end and she often had very little to say once they got through the editor-in-chief. We even got praise from the staff about how good our paper was.

If you can talk your piece over with people who have a strong grasp of the written English language and its functions, and they can all agree on changes, the paper will probably turn out with very few errors.  

[Goddess Ace]

unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings
I don't see how those are considered big words though, yes, they're long but they get the point out.

And the metaphor is just how I write I'd still use it even if my teacher was a male.

I did like your advice on the over use of savior as well as placing experience. And also adding the why because I forgot to explain that scenario.

I cahnged mirthful to blissful but I'm going to keep lavishing because it can mean splendid.

Still got to find a better word than prolific, didn't want to shoot for productive.  

[tsukasa_the_quiet]

Lily the Pink

[Tsukasa567]

Lily the Pink

Dumbed down? No way, it sounds so much better. A technique I use when I can't find anyone to edit my papers is to read it out loud. That way, I'm much more likely to catch mistakes.

I took two Honors English classes in high school, one AP Literature, a Journalism class (so I had to write for it, and I was a part-time editor), and I'm in Honors English 150 (the equivalent of English 310) at college right now, so I know a lot about grammar and editing papers.

See, but the fact is that while your advice could be accepted, most of us are only in High School, and our opinions don't really cut it when it comes to editing papers because we are still learning. I think Sheer is about the only one here that I know of that actually holds a degree in this sort of thing, so she is the most expert one here in this subject.

Yeah, but that's the idea, we're all still learning, in fact, even teachers mess up. Students edited each other's articles most of the time in Journalism. In fact, the advisor didn't even see them until the very end and she often had very little to say once they got through the editor-in-chief. We even got praise from the staff about how good our paper was.

If you can talk your piece over with people who have a strong grasp of the written English language and its functions, and they can all agree on changes, the paper will probably turn out with very few errors.

I agree that if you talk it ove with people who have a strong grasp of the written English literature, then yes, it will probably have very few errors. But, we since we don't know how strong our knowledge of it is, we can't really be sure that it will turn otu with as few errors as possible.  

[Goddess Ace]

We're also talking on the internet, I noticed some of the things I did in the document aren't the same on here.

Finals:
It was my less than two-pound kitten who enlighten me that you should never give up no matter what the circumstances are.
Really wanted to keep enlighten.

was that I am clinically depressed and suffer from an anxiety disorder.
Got my tenses right yet?

I felt blessed by the gods to now own this white furred cat with patches of blonde stripes. Finally, I could experience that unconditional love; Leo was like my child…a child with Colitis. My parents were terrified that Leo was going to die because of how skinny he had become. They also dreaded that I might hurt myself over the loss of my newly adopted kitten. Against all the odds, and after four hundred dollars in vet bills and medicine, my baby pulled through. Even when Leonardo got under a pound he kept fighting for his life. My cat was determined to live – he was not going to give up his life without a challenge. This birthday present that was meant to cheer me up turned out to be the best medicine I could ever have.
Any more edits needed - I know this got wordy.

And conclusion --

Quote:

Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson from them. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive to exist unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings. Now, Leo is a twelve-pound thirteen-ounce moose with an addiction to cat n**. I am blissful to say that Leo and I are lavishing in life. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet to a thriving human being. And it’s all thanks to my cat named Leonardo.

 

[Lily the Pink]

Goddess Ace

unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings
I don't see how those are considered big words though, yes, they're long but they get the point out.

And the metaphor is just how I write I'd still use it even if my teacher was a male.

I did like your advice on the over use of savior as well as placing experience. And also adding the why because I forgot to explain that scenario.

I cahnged mirthful to blissful but I'm going to keep lavishing because it can mean splendid.

Still got to find a better word than prolific, didn't want to shoot for productive.

1. I should have clarified myself on that--yes, it's good to use long words, it's good to sound intelligent, but it's not good to cram long words together. I've now put my finger on what was really bugging me--get rid of either "ignorant" or "misunderstandings" (and if you ditch misunderstandings change it to ignorance) because it's repetitive.

2. The metaphor hit me very strongly (otherwise I wouldn't have said anything) as something that I'd find in an odd romance novel, but that may just be me. If I were you, I'd poll around and ask what people think about it in-context.

3. It's grammatically incorrect just to say "I am blissful..." you can say I am blissfully this. And you're lavishing in what?

4. And I'll think about the prolific one. Describe what you're going for in more words.

@Tsukasa: We may not know *exactly* how good we are with it, but if we've done well in English classes with good teachers, we can be fairly confident that we're good at it.  

[Goddess Ace]

Lily the Pink

Goddess Ace

unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings
I don't see how those are considered big words though, yes, they're long but they get the point out.

And the metaphor is just how I write I'd still use it even if my teacher was a male.

I did like your advice on the over use of savior as well as placing experience. And also adding the why because I forgot to explain that scenario.

I cahnged mirthful to blissful but I'm going to keep lavishing because it can mean splendid.

Still got to find a better word than prolific, didn't want to shoot for productive.

1. I should have clarified myself on that--yes, it's good to use long words, it's good to sound intelligent, but it's not good to cram long words together. I've now put my finger on what was really bugging me--get rid of either "ignorant" or "misunderstandings" (and if you ditch misunderstandings change it to ignorance) because it's repetitive.

2. The metaphor hit me very strongly (otherwise I wouldn't have said anything) as something that I'd find in an odd romance novel, but that may just be me. If I were you, I'd poll around and ask what people think about it in-context.

3. It's grammatically incorrect just to say "I am blissful..." you can say I am blissfully this. And you're lavishing in what?

4. And I'll think about the prolific one. Describe what you're going for in more words.

@Tsukasa: We may not know *exactly* how good we are with it, but if we've done well in English classes with good teachers, we can be fairly confident that we're good at it.

1.) Now I got to think D:
2.) Didn't you know I am an odd romance novel xD Actually, I already asked about it and got good feedback so that's why I wanted to keep it.
3.) Lavishing in life, made that edit. Can I still not use blissful?
4.) I used thriving - I think that gets a good idea of how life is  

[Lily the Pink]

Goddess Ace

Lily the Pink

Goddess Ace

unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings
I don't see how those are considered big words though, yes, they're long but they get the point out.

And the metaphor is just how I write I'd still use it even if my teacher was a male.

I did like your advice on the over use of savior as well as placing experience. And also adding the why because I forgot to explain that scenario.

I cahnged mirthful to blissful but I'm going to keep lavishing because it can mean splendid.

Still got to find a better word than prolific, didn't want to shoot for productive.

1. I should have clarified myself on that--yes, it's good to use long words, it's good to sound intelligent, but it's not good to cram long words together. I've now put my finger on what was really bugging me--get rid of either "ignorant" or "misunderstandings" (and if you ditch misunderstandings change it to ignorance) because it's repetitive.

2. The metaphor hit me very strongly (otherwise I wouldn't have said anything) as something that I'd find in an odd romance novel, but that may just be me. If I were you, I'd poll around and ask what people think about it in-context.

3. It's grammatically incorrect just to say "I am blissful..." you can say I am blissfully this. And you're lavishing in what?

4. And I'll think about the prolific one. Describe what you're going for in more words.

@Tsukasa: We may not know *exactly* how good we are with it, but if we've done well in English classes with good teachers, we can be fairly confident that we're good at it.

1.) Now I got to think D:
2.) Didn't you know I am an odd romance novel xD Actually, I already asked about it and got good feedback so that's why I wanted to keep it.
3.) Lavishing in life, made that edit. Can I still not use blissful?
4.) I used thriving - I think that gets a good idea of how life is

1.) Haha, that's exactly what your teacher wants!
2.) Yes, I did.
3.) Okay. You can use a form of the word "bliss". Like, "I am blissfully happy" or "in bliss". A better word, in my opinion would be "overjoyed.
4.) GREAT WORD! Can I see how you've used it?  

[Goddess Ace]

Lily the Pink

1.) Haha, that's exactly what your teacher wants!
2.) Yes, I did.
3.) Okay. You can use a form of the word "bliss". Like, "I am blissfully happy" or "in bliss". A better word, in my opinion would be "overjoyed.
4.) GREAT WORD! Can I see how you've used it?

Well, this is the conclusion:
Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson from them. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive to exist unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings. Now, Leo is a twelve-pound thirteen-ounce moose with an addiction to cat n**. I am blissful to say that Leo and I are lavishing in life. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet to a thriving human being. And it’s all thanks to my cat named Leonardo.

All the words in bold have to be changed some how.  

[Sheer_Immortal]

Goddess Ace

We're also talking on the internet, I noticed some of the things I did in the document aren't the same on here.

Finals:
It was my less than two-pound kitten who enlighten me that you should never give up no matter what the circumstances are.
Really wanted to keep enlighten.

was that I am clinically depressed and suffer from an anxiety disorder.
Got my tenses right yet?

I felt blessed by the gods to now own this white furred cat with patches of blonde stripes. Finally, I could experience that unconditional love; Leo was like my child…a child with Colitis. My parents were terrified that Leo was going to die because of how skinny he had become. They also dreaded that I might hurt myself over the loss of my newly adopted kitten. Against all the odds, and after four hundred dollars in vet bills and medicine, my baby pulled through. Even when Leonardo got under a pound he kept fighting for his life. My cat was determined to live – he was not going to give up his life without a challenge. This birthday present that was meant to cheer me up turned out to be the best medicine I could ever have.
Any more edits needed - I know this got wordy.

And conclusion --

Quote:

Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson from them. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive to exist unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings. Now, Leo is a twelve-pound thirteen-ounce moose with an addiction to cat n**. I am blissful to say that Leo and I are lavishing in life. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet to a thriving human being. And it’s all thanks to my cat named Leonardo.

You're looking for third-person singular past-tense, which is "enlightened", not "enlighten".

I'd have to go back and read the sentence in context to give any opinion on the tenses, there. From what I remember, though, either past or present would've worked there (it's just that you had switched), so I'm going to say a tentative "yes" for now. ^.^

Wordy's fine, as long as they're good words xD I still say it'd be a good thing to explain a bit what colitis is (I think it's probably lower-case, though), but the paragraph is better for explaining why your parents thought Leo was gonna die - now if the reader doesn't know what colitis is, they can assume that it's something that causes drastic weight-loss.

"strive" isn't a noun, so you can't use the phrasing "his strive". I think you want either "drive" or "striving" (I'd go with "drive", personally, but it's not my paper razz ). "blissful" still sounds too strong an adjective to me, and "lavishing" is just wrong, according to both my English instinct and my dictionary.

As for the "savior" bit - a little bit of repetition is good, because it reminds the reader of what you were talking about. I'd have to go back and re-read, but it didn't strike me as overused on the first go-through.

EDIT: "Thriving" sounds better there ^.^  

[Lily the Pink]

Goddess Ace

Lily the Pink

1.) Haha, that's exactly what your teacher wants!
2.) Yes, I did.
3.) Okay. You can use a form of the word "bliss". Like, "I am blissfully happy" or "in bliss". A better word, in my opinion would be "overjoyed.
4.) GREAT WORD! Can I see how you've used it?

Well, this is the conclusion:
Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson from them. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive to exist unsheathed my ignorant misunderstandings. Now, Leo is a twelve-pound thirteen-ounce moose with an addiction to cat n**. I am blissful to say that Leo and I are lavishing in life. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet to a thriving human being. And it’s all thanks to my cat named Leonardo.

All the words in bold have to be changed some how.

Mind if I take a crack at it? :

Whether someone has flesh or fur, you can learn a lesson from them. Leo taught me the significance of life; his strive to exist unsheathed my ignorance. Now, Leo is a twelve-pound, thirteen-ounce moose with an addiction to cat n**. I am overjoyed to say that Leo and I are lavishing in life. I am astonished how I went from being a soulless puppet to a thriving young woman. And it’s all thanks to my cat, Leonardo.

And I know I've ripped apart your paper (I can be brutal with that sort of thing), but you really do have very good ideas and a good sense of storytelling and chronology. I especially like how you call him a moose.  

[Goddess Ace]

lol - I AM A YOUNG WOMAN xD I do like your changes to my conclusion, as it was giving me problems

@Sheer: So do I add a seperate sentence about colitios or put it in paratheses. (Yeah, my spelling is sucking right now.)

But-but, Sheer I like lavishing D: I also hear in the context of someone doing well.

Oh, and you mentioned about using "we" in the first sentence, how is this?

Quote:

Life is a continuous struggle which we as living creatures endure every single day.

I think it needs to be fixed a bit though.  

[Sheer_Immortal]

Goddess Ace

lol - I AM A YOUNG WOMAN xD I do like your changes to my conclusion, as it was giving me problems

@Sheer: So do I add a seperate sentence about colitios or put it in paratheses. (Yeah, my spelling is sucking right now.)

But-but, Sheer I like lavishing D: I also hear in the context of someone doing well.

Oh, and you mentioned about using "we" in the first sentence, how is this?

Quote:

Life is a continuous struggle which we as living creatures endure every single day.

I think it needs to be fixed a bit though.

Probably a quick blurb in parentheses. Something along the lines of "a child with colitis (a disease characterized by...)". I dunno exactly what, as I don't know what colitis is, but you get the idea ^.^

I've heard "lavishing" as like lavishing someone with gifts or praise - as in, giving someone lots and lots of gifts/praise. So by extension, it could be used to refer to someone doing well (as people who do well have the ability to give lots of extravagant gifts) - and as an adjective comparable to "extravagant" ("lavish gifts"), but it's the wrong type of speech to fit in your sentence as-is. "Leo and I are lavished with gifts from life" or something like that would sound better (though that example still sounds a little wonky to me).

Better 3nodding  

[Goddess Ace]

Edit 1: Leo was like my child…a child with colitis (an inflammation of the colon).

Lavishing: I think I get what you're saying... is there any word that means doing well that can replace lavishing? Because I can't find it D:

And this sentence: Life is a continuous struggle which we as living creatures endure every single day.

Doesn't need any changes?  

[Sheer_Immortal]

Goddess Ace

Edit 1: Leo was like my child…a child with colitis (an inflammation of the colon).

Lavishing: I think I get what you're saying... is there any word that means doing well that can replace lavishing? Because I can't find it D:

And this sentence: Life is a continuous struggle which we as living creatures endure every single day.

Doesn't need any changes?

1. Excellent. ^.^ You could take out "colitis" and the parentheses if you wanted to ["Leo was like my child...a child with an inflammation of the colon."], but I think the colitis makes it sound more serious, and thus not as much of a shock to the reader when the next sentence is "my parents thought he was going to die". Hmm. Come to think of it, I think the proper punctuation instead of the ellipses would be a dash, but ellipses are becoming more common in this context nowadays anyway, so you probably wouldn't be nailed on it.

2. "Succeeding"? Other synonyms for "thriving"?

3. It sounds good to me ^.^