Abuse and life

[Erverain]

I am probably not qualified for any sort of judgment on your situation being (1) a guy and (2) from a non-abusive household. I have no similar experiences that I can share with you, nor do I have any advice that would not be hollow. All I can do for you is offer my sympathy, and perhaps an ear if you ever need to rant. Anything more than that, and I get outside of my qualifications.
But it is always good to have at least one friend whom you can trust implicitly, and as Jaft said, quality always beats quantity. Myself, I have all of about two or three people whom I call friend, and each of them no longer residing in the state I live in. I am in truth quite anti-social.  

[Skorndrick]

Poor Erv...

This is my school district  

[Kerrigan_dragon]

Blu... you acknowledge that you have a fear, and that it's a problem. That's a good thing. But you have to face your fears. In our world we try to make everything as smooth and painless as can be, but you can't go through life without some risk. If you don't step up and take a risk once in a while, you can never improve and never get anywhere. Harsh, but true. Life is risk.

And your friends aren't what I'd call true friends. More... acquaintances. And quality definitely over quantity, every time. One could say that I have upwards of 50 friends IRL. One would be wrong. I have 50 people I'll wave to in the halls and say something friendly to. But I have but two people I consider real, best friends. Ones who I can tell anything to... if I so choose (which is rare, I am really not the kind of person to tell things about my life, but I do tell them far more and more often than anyone else)... ones who tell me everything and anything, ones I know I can go to in times of need and I know they wouldn't judge me for anything, and would always be there to help me if I needed it, even if I didn't ask, and vice versa. But mostly we just goof off and be ourselves. That's more what real friendship is like. Real friends, if you have a problem and you need to talk about it, will listen. And they will help you.

And it does sound like you need counseling. I can relate if you feel you can't talk to a counselor - I have a counselor and I have a lot of trouble talking to her - but they can still help, a lot. You just need to let them. And you need make time. You can always make time. Blu, by you staying silent, the only person who is going to be hurt is you. And no one is going to be helped. If you start to talk, only then can you start to be healed, and others can help you, and maybe even heal themselves. But no good will come of your silence. You need to learn to talk to others. Even in small, insignificant steps. Try practicing in the mirror, if you like. You may look stupid, but trust me, I've done way stupider things for my vocal exercises. xd Imagine the sounds of a dying mongoose, and you'll start to understand what kind of weird things I have to do to relax my voice. xd Ok, but seriously, doing silly stuff like that actually does help. Just try it.  

[Skorndrick]

I know,Kerri, I know. But my problem is, I can't make new friends. For on thing, my friends I have right now are the outcasts at school, seeing as how i'm and out cast too, and the only other peole pwho try to be my friend would be peolep like that stalker guy in my gym class, who wouldnt; leavem e alone and kept calling me sey and stuff...ugh talk2hand I'm not really allowed to go out of the house. Unless my mom's home, that is.
and my friends have a good quality, I jsut can't stand talking to them about it. I do, sometimes, believe me, but then I get scaed and can't talk abutit for like a month or so. And I can't go to counseling otr anything like that, because my mom went poor after the divorce and trying to support he rfamily as a single parent. It's hard, where we live. And I can't get a job intil febuary, because the only place that'll hire peopel under sixteen is Korgers, and htey igve kids work during school hours...  

[Sentama Lin]

Regardless, you still need to make time, or some situation, for you to get better. Here's a start:

1-800-272-TEEN: Neo Teen Helpline

They offer free counseling and advice to teenagers in the United States. It's free and as confidential as it can ethically and legally be (the stipulations are they'll most probably break confidentiality if you're suicidal, homicidal, or if there's a possibility of current child abuse). They can even offer referrals to other organisations (possibly free ones) that you can go to for help. There are no fees if calling from the United States, and you don't need you parents's permission.  

[Skorndrick]

...thanks Lin...  

[palnoki]

kerri really hit the nail on the head with her advice, but there is something I would like to add. Alot of time we obsess over our problems and make them huge and frighten outselves on how we are just goign ot overcome them, and it's scary sometimes. I find that if you put your mind on something else that can be constructive for your situation, it's usually best. Such as finsing out what oyu like and maybe going to groups that share your passion. For me it's astronomy and I love to go to star parties and learn more about it and meet up with like minded people. Maybe if you found your muse in life, it would be easier to meet people through that activity. You would become more social while having more fun in your life, it's just a thought  

[Skorndrick]

Writing. Find me in the Arena and see for yourself. I'm writing a book. I am also and obseesvie compulsive drawer. Unfortuatly my drawings can't be posted yet. No scanner, eh. So...yeah. i have already found my passion. Those and Gaia.  

[palnoki]

Blu_the_werecat

Writing. Find me in the Arena and see for yourself. I'm writing a book. I am also and obseesvie compulsive drawer. Unfortuatly my drawings can't be posted yet. No scanner, eh. So...yeah. i have already found my passion. Those and Gaia.

See, that's amasing your actualyl lucky, few people really know what they want in life. Gaia is a great place to develop communication skills, but if you can find a drawing club or some sort of art club you can meet with peopel face to face to talk about art all day. I have drawn alot of anime when I was younger. it can be fun to see how people add thier own touches and styles to their works.

That might help you overcome your fears slowly  

[Skorndrick]

I can't join the art club because it's on the same day as book club. That, and you ahve to take art class to join...I'm not allowed to take art class this year, or last year, because my schedule is filled.  

[The Chexed Nut]

*Trips over the art talk, looks at it and smiles.* Here's something I can connect with, finally, after wading through all of that heavy talk about abuse and counseling.

I must admit that I'm thoroughly jealous that you can cough up drawings in the time it takes to drop a pin. I'm not obsessive compulsive in the least and yet, in a year, I can draw at least a dozen pictures out of the however many I get mad at, tear up and throw away (only so my dad doesn't hoard them somewhere).

Psychologically speaking, drawing and art in general gives psychologists ways to understand how you're feeling when you can't speak for yourself. The colors you splash onto a piece of brown cardboard or a tear of printer paper opens an expansive window for people to see how you're feeling. Same thing with writing. The words you put into a story, a poem or a song can tell your audience what's occuring in your mind.

So, even if you can't speak verbally, you have other things that can do it for you. Being a mute by choice isn't something that's healthy, either. You say you were abused? What if you stumble into an abusive relationship with a boy and you won't say anything to anyone about it? Being silent is only appropiate in certain occasions.  

[Skorndrick]

I won't be in an abusive situation; I'll know the guy a year or more befroe I date him. And...my art is already veiwed by everyone who wants to. All my friends see it whee They say it's emo a lot of the time.

Also- Chex, you only do that many? How long does it take you to do a good drawing? I just got a seventy-page sketch book a month ago, and u'vew already filled it up. There's only, like, one picture Idont' like in it, and that's cause I messed up.  

[sahihen]

Move to Canada! Lol.

The reason I told myself I didn't get help was because I was never that bad. But in reality it was because I was scared. Scared of remebering the things that have been done to me, of telling someone my feelings that I myself try to block and not feel.
I was seeing a psychiatrist for about 2 years but the only reason I saw her was because I almost snapped and yeah... don't ask what would've happened. But anyways I got the help I needed. I stopped when I turned 18 and honestly I still need to see someone. I may seem better but I just got worse in terms of social things.
Sometimes we can't fix ourselves because we can't see just how broken or damaged we really are. My psych helped me to see and understand why I do things and come up with things to help me.
Phone the help line or try to find ways of getting help that are free or don't cost to much.
The friend thing? ...I can't make a friend on my own to save my life. Still haven't and the friend I feel most compelled to talk to moved farther away.

EDIT.
What I meant to say before was that the breaking point is not a nice place to be. I can't remember much or really explain it but it's different for everyone. Bleh. I suck at explaining things majorly. ... I don't mean the breaking point of sucide.. more like himicide and going crazy.  

[The Chexed Nut]

I still am convinced that to commit suicide is the cowardly way out. Once you're dead, you're dead. You can't try it out, see if you like it and then decide to come back to life. Life, unfortunately, doesn't work like that.

@Blu: I take my time with my drawings. I have to find the inspiration. My attention is captured by many other things that I'll do for a month or two and then switch to something different. To keep drawing would just frustrate me because, eventually, I'll run out of motivation. You know I'm frustrated with my drawing with you hear paper ripping.

@Sahihen: That makes a lot of sense; I think you're thinking. :3  

[~DR.MOOFASA~]

if we get in arguments with you it's not about attacking you, it's about addressing the circumstances of the situation/what was said, etc.
it's nothing to do with begrudging you. smile

i don't quite know what to say... i've known afew (ok, well... more than just a few) people with similar situations, and i still have no idea what to say to help. =[ wish i did. it's so different for every person.

for reasons i'd like to not discuss, i used to be affraid of men to a degree, and i still kind of am in a sense. i HATE it when guys stand too close to me unless they are a friend and i've acknowledged that it's okay for them to be near me. i can't stand construction workers/contractors... >_>
(no offense to any construction workers or contractors who may read this o.o). i know there's plenty of nice ones, but sadly the ones that stand out in my mind from work are the assholes, the ones who say disgusting things and treat all the women in the store like a lifeless peice of meat. stressed i know a lot of really nice guys, but it's a slow process to be able to learn how to come out of your comfort zone and accept that not everyone is out to harm you.

and yes, i find counselling is s**t. neutral in my experience, at least.
a) they don't really understand you if you don't really want to let them, b) interpretation has a lot to do with things, and c) they won't know about anything you don't let them know about. so whether someone is hiding something or scared or just unaware of stuff... blargh. ANYWAY. mrgreen *happyfaise~*

it will probably take a while for you to be comfortable in some social situations again, and chances are you probably won't shake that fear of having s**t thrown at you, BUT. that doesn't mean you will always be affraid. smile
talking to whoever you feel comfortable with helps, and a lot of self reflection, and pushing personal boundries. it's a really eprsonal process to be able to heal yourself... but truth be told, you should be the focus of your like, and you're the only one who can conquer what's troubling you. 3nodding


umm.... well that was long and really ranty... sweatdrop but i hope it helped.