Dancing with the Devil (Ch. 3) - Need Criticism!

[Trish the Stalker]

*pokes*

I have up to chapter one up.

I take it no one's gonna read it anyway. crying  

[La La Leprosy]

Very interesting, you are a great writer, Belle! With the amount of detail you put into it, it makes it very easy to visualize.  

[Kalstolyn]

It's not bad, needs some polishing here and there. Your writing style has the potential to develop into something unique and interesting but it's not quite there yet. Keep working on it and it'll happen though.  

[Omnileech]

Needs a bit of polishing. Mostly by using more creativity in how you say things rather than what happens.

Stuff like this.

Quote:

He ******** her hard and fast, causing her to bleed. When he finished inside of her she had reached hysterics in silent sobs. “Alright buddy, your turn.”

Isn't showing the degree of skill in your writing that you could show and I know you have the potential for better.

Dialogue with the two rapists was kind of stale and archetypal of thugs. Reminds me of would be rapists from 70s and 80s movies.

But as for what went on? It interests me. I'm wondering why all the dead people are women but maybe you'll clear that up later.  

[Kalstolyn]

I'M AGREEING WITH OMNI! *waits for the apocalypse*

It's more about word choices and phrasing than about plot and concept. Although from my perspective the concept seems a tad cliche.... but I read weird stuff >.< I'd suggest trying to be more economical with your words, and choosing the most interesting and appropriate one for the concept or feeling you are trying to convey. Writing is an art form, and writing fiction is a craft. You can hone it!  

[Anise_is_my_replica]

Ah, it's very interesting Belle. Word choice and phrasing just needs a little polishing, but it's great in terms of plot and concept. I do love the way you described things, quite amazing.  

[Trish the Stalker]

I know my phrasing is off sometimes in my first drafts, I also wrote both chapters in the wee hours of the morning.

When I redo (read:edit the crap out of) it it'll hopefully turn out a lot better. Thanks for your input though, I'll watch out for it a little bit more as I continue writing so I don't have to fix it later.

Thank you all so much for even just reading it!

And Kals: cliche? What kind of stuff do you read? o_0  

[Kalstolyn]

Fantasy mostly, and this story has so many elements of scenes with evil villains and such it's not even funny. You've also got some stereotypical elements of hardcore s&m erotica.  

[Trish the Stalker]

It's going in a bit of a different direction later... sort of.

The ******** up part is the basis for this story is a dream I had. However I didn't dream up the alleyway sequence, that's new XD  

[Trish the Stalker]

Chapter 2 is now up, it's not as good as I'd like it to be. It'll get some massive overhauling done when I get a chance to edit this, I just wanted it done so I could get to the next bit.  

[Anise_is_my_replica]

Hm... Well, it seems a little cliche but it's not a terribly overused idea, and you've certainly put enough twists in it that it doesn't matter too much. My own stories have plenty of cliche elements in them so I'd be a hypocrite if I said not to use them.

Regardless, I liked it. It was interesting and inspired me to start writing again, too. It flowed nicely, and I definitely like the way you put Satan in there. He's not such a bad person, I rather like him so far.

Though...would you mind if I did some art based on this? It gave me some ideas....  

[Omnileech]

Could of sworn I saw a movie where Satan had sex with a woman to make a baby once...

Although I'm not entirely sure why Satan would want to have a baby according to chapter 2 or why God can't hear him wherever he is when Satan works for God and oks everything he does.  

[Trish the Stalker]

Omnileech

Could of sworn I saw a movie where Satan had sex with a woman to make a baby once...

Although I'm not entirely sure why Satan would want to have a baby according to chapter 2 or why God can't hear him wherever he is when Satan works for God and oks everything he does.

Rosemary's Baby and the Omen

Why is it unclear? I can go through and fix that. Satan doesn't exactly work for God either... what part gave you that impression, because it wasn't what I was going for. Heh, sorry for the confusion.

And Anise (still getting used to that name, blargh), as long as you let me see the artwork there is no problem whatsoever.

The cliche'dness is there, I'll admit. It gets a little twistier... I hope XP  

[Anise_is_my_replica]

Right, right. You don't have to call me Anise, you can call me what you like. For the most part at least.

You'll see the said art...if I ever get int scanned up and such..  

[Trish the Stalker]

I just like to call people something pertaining to their name so people know what I'm talking about XD

And try to get it scanned, I love arts!