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Jessi_Babii_10_13_90

PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:10 pm
Wow, nice. I noticed a wavering between 1st and 3rd person. might want to go over that and check to see if it was what you really wanted to put.  
PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:16 pm
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Jessi_Babii_10_13_90


Lifes Little Conflict

PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:20 pm
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:55 pm
Quite the contrary, I think it flows very well. Although I have no ear for poetry, so I wouldn't know... sweatdrop

*snaps anyway*  

Jessi_Babii_10_13_90


Jessi_Babii_10_13_90

PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 9:09 am
I will shamelessly bump this!  
PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 12:37 pm
MrJimmy
Wow, nice. I noticed a wavering between 1st and 3rd person. might want to go over that and check to see if it was what you really wanted to put.


The first part was supposed to be Raven's journal. :3  

a d0t.


a d0t.

PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 1:03 pm
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 1:26 pm
Hmmm
Ok Jim

A Needle Kid Waltz


(setup: *Two heroin addicts in detroit. Modern day times.
*the boy (that's his name) comes from a wealthy family in the subborbs of detroit. Fairly intelligent
*the girl (thats her name) comes from detroit. Typical trashy inner city girl. Destined to be a druggy from day one.)

8th floor...orange tamed overcast from the street lamp far below stretching across the window frame and a tad over the cieling until the tiny televisions rapidly changing colored light fought it off for dominance of the room. She layed upon the sheetless bed, and I at the end, my back to the wall and my head leaning upon it's side on the end of the bed. A roach crawled overhead, I thought nothing of it, it simply scurried from one crack in the cieling to the other in the wall. The ground reeked of urine, and gas leeking. The tv could barely be heard...but neither of us really payed it any mind, it served more as a nightlight, then anything. The cieling dripped in a small puddle a few feet away, and that small puddle it dripped onto, most likely, dripped on the people below and so on and so forth. I ran my fingers over the matted pages of the closed dictionary, or a thesaurus I never could tell, in which was one of the 3 books which held the bed up. Dripping could be heard from the bathroom, the tub or the sink? I'm not sure, really, I never bothered to check. I continued smoking my ciggarette, and she opened her ******** mouth.

"Come to bed." She said tiredly with not a hint of lust. I paused, rolled my eyes and exhaled the rotten newports smoke via sigh. "I'm not tired." I replied tiredly as well, with a hint of rebellion. I flicked the ciggarette to my side, a lack of concern evident for where the ashes landed. "God...Can you just come to be-" "Shut the ******** up, I'm not ******** tired." I snapped angrily. I propped myself up weakly, using the bed end as a cruch, my naked body was in horrid posture and shape. I walked to the window, hoping no peeping toms were catching a free show. She then got up, I didn't look to see but my other senses picked this up. The broken springs of the bed crunched loudly, this indicating such. She was naked as well, sweating yet shivering, just as I. She came up behind me, and her arms slowly creeped around my weighst and rested her head upon my shoulder. I quirked a brow in her direction, rolling my eyes to the matching corner, then let out a simple "ugh" shaking my head as well.

"I love you." she forced out. "No you ******** don't. You're just some ******** slutt, a dirty ******** slutt who leeches off any man she can." I stated spitefully, shaking her loose of her grip upon me. I flicked the ciggarette out my window, and when I turned around, she slapped me. She continued slapping me, yelling and ranting. "I ******** HATE YOU, YOU ******** FAILURE! YOU CAN'T GET A JOB, YOU CAN'T GET MONEY, YOU CAN'T ********, ******** EVEN..." she seemed to be going in circles with her yells, I payed them no mind, until she punched me. I stumbled back a bit, and when I came back to my senses, she tried to hit me again, but I grabbed her wrist, and with the other hand pushed her onto the ******** bed.

"WHO DO YOU ******** THINK YOU ARE?! YOU ******** b***h, I HATE YOU! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA ******** KILL YOU!!!!" I said, grasping my hands around her neck, but then rushing into kissing her, my limp appendeges between her legs. I then rolled off of her after only a moment, then turned to my side, facing the wall and away from her. "I love you." She said, spooning with me and throwing her arm over my stomach. I held her hand, turned around just slightly, she lifted her head at the same moment, we kissed lightly, then I turned back to my posistion, facing the wall. "Ditto."
 

Joey Go!


Jendaya

PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 1:55 pm
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 10:23 pm
Joey Go!
A Needle Kid Waltz


Another masterpiece Joey! I truely love the grit in this one. I wonder if your other fan will like it too. Keep them coming if you please.  

Jessi_Babii_10_13_90


Jessi_Babii_10_13_90

PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 10:25 pm
a d0t.
MrJimmy
Wow, nice. I noticed a wavering between 1st and 3rd person. might want to go over that and check to see if it was what you really wanted to put.


The first part was supposed to be Raven's journal. :3
Ahh, pardon me. Post the other chapters if they're finished! 3nodding  
PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 12:31 am
Ok here's a poem I wrote YEARS ago before I even knew that poetry could be devoid of rhyme.

Vandin Astebrooke
-=Misplaced Jealousy=-

If I had a dime for every time that you said you care
I could pay for a night of bliss, could take you anywhere
The one for me is not like she, that one you fear I like
We're just friends, I'll show you now, come with me tonight.

It's all true I will admit, you saw us in the park
We shared some food beneath the tree and talked 'til it was dark
I know we're with each other lots, but innocent it's true
Although I do care much for her, the one I love is you.

Yes I know we dated once, but that's all in the past
We realized that it wasn't love and that it wouldn't last
Instead of tossing off the one for whom we cared about
We kept it simple, made a vow, and still remain devout.

The reason why I asked you here, with me on this walk
Is so I could dispel the fear, I hoped that we could talk
Although I know we shared some nights, we've looked up at the stars
None of those were quite like this, out here the night is ours.
 

Shadow-Savant
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Jolly Rotten

PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:25 am
I write... Just not in english.. sweatdrop  
PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 7:04 am
Fallen Reaper
Do I Mean What I Say

"........"

Do I mean what I say
Or say what I mean
For within the fray
The lives are sheen

"........"

Do I mean what I say
Or say what I mean
For within the fray
False lives are sheen

"........."




The poem is okay, I guess. My biggest problem is the word "sheen". You're attempting to use it in the wrong context. "Sheen" is more of a descriptive word than a pronoun, which you are trying to turn it into, and it doesn't work. You're basically saying, "lives are shininess/luster/radience/ect..." It makes no sense and make the entire poem sound kind of stupid. No offense intended. My suggestion is to make sure you have a thesaurus or a poet's dictionary when you create rhyming poetry. Stop forcing words in that have no meaning to the poem, just to make it rhyme. I highly recommend you find some other word to use in place of sheen, and make sure it can actually be used in that context.
 

Stormlight

Dapper Dabbler


Stormlight

Dapper Dabbler

PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 7:13 am
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Creative Crossroads

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