Very well; but I warn you, I am not going to be nice about this, flat out. I will also be stating my beliefs, in an uncompromising fashion whilst I dissect this. I'm not an English major, but I will also do my very best to comment on the structure and whatnot.
Celestial Burden
When I wake up and mommy says you died
I'll laugh
I'll laugh because you're dead
You aren't the man you think you are
I hope you burn in that so-called Hell you believe in if it exists
I'll laugh because you're dead
I'll laugh because you'll finally be gone
I want you gone for good
I never want to see your face again
First off, the content. It is hateful and hurtful and outright awful. How would you like it if someone wrote something like this about you? It shows your bitter resentment of your father -- or whatever male figure in your life it is you are writing about.
To damn someone is horrible, because there is no fate worse. And by that I mean,
there is no fate worse, period. Peel my eyelids and boil me alive, but I pray in Hell I will not arive.
Such a burning hatred is deragatory to your own spiritual livelihood; you immortal soul is in peril of the very fate you would condemn this man to. And not the worst person alive deserves what a fate that is.
Quote:
you believe in if it exists
This is pointless, needless, and entirely irrelevant, even if you do decide to write such shameless scornful filth as this. It detracts from the flow of the poem and is simply self insertion where it does not need to occur. Here you draw the reader out of your work by saying, blatantly "I DON'T BELIEVE IT EXSISTS, AND YOU SHOULD PAY GREAT ATTENTION TO THE FACT!"
If you simply have to stick something like that in, you do not tack it on at the end of a line. You hint at it. You don't shout it out for the world to hear.
Also, overall, it lacks proper flow. There is no sense of rythm or beat to move the reader through your work. At this point it has boiled down to nothing more than screaming "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE!".
If you wish this to become a worthy composition, despite what is appalling content, you would best rewrite it, and rewrite it, and rewrite it again, until you are no longer screaming your hate, but subtley hissing it through a more eloquent veil of words.
My personal verdict: Scrap it. Write something happy. Also, you may want to look into structured poem forms, such as couplets or triplets, if you have not already.
Reply
