THE ANGST ZONE (Use this, for the love of internetz! ><)

[Trish the Stalker]

My boyfriend is away for a week and a half before I can see him again. It makes me sad because we live in te same house so I feel super alone.

I've also been diagnosed with depression, so I must angst with official clinical diagnoses.  

[Indigo Project]

La Belle Isolde

I've also been diagnosed with depression, so I must angst with official clinical diagnoses.

If you're lucky, you'll actually recover over time. I was sort of forced to, given my choice of career. *hugs* What have they got you on?  

[Trish the Stalker]

Indigo Project

La Belle Isolde

I've also been diagnosed with depression, so I must angst with official clinical diagnoses.

If you're lucky, you'll actually recover over time. I was sort of forced to, given my choice of career. *hugs* What have they got you on?

Nothing yet, hopefully that will be dealt with before I leave for Edmonton for my lover on the 23rd. My official first appointment is on the 18th, I was referred by my university counsellor.  

[Sentama Lin]

I'm a fool... an ungrateful fool. I've just realized one - if not the only - source of my own suffering... I'm blind...

I couldn't see the love that I already have. I have so many caring friends, professors, acquaintances... I know they love me... I've known forever... and yet... I couldn't believe that...

And now... when a friend is leaving us... is when I finally realize that the reason I can't get what I want is because I won't let myself get what I want.

I want to be loved... I want to love... I'd do anything to have that feeling forever; I'd go hungry for it; I'd die for it; I'd do anything for that feeling to be wrapped in another's arms and my arms wrapped around another. Mutual, reciprocal, love...

While hugging the friend that I had to say goodbye to... I felt it... it was reciprocal... it was the closest thing...

I'm such a fool... why couldn't I see that I was already loved... Why couldn't I return it? Why wouldn't I let myself return it? I'm a fool...

It may not be a romantic love... I've never had an official serious lover... yet... yet... I forgot about the love already around me... I can't believe it took now... after so many people say I no longer look happy... after so many people asked what was wrong... and after so many times I told them, with the sincere smile and face I practiced to perfection to hide my own sorrow, I was fine... I didn't see it. I already have love...

And now I regret it... why was I a fool for not seeing it earlier... it wasn't romantic love... but I had the love of friends... my friends already find me precious... yet... I couldn't see what was precious inside of me already...

Therefore... hate me... Please hate me... only by feeling true hatred towards me will I ever understand that I had love... and now... I'm losing it. I can never appreciate it... and I'm a fool for life.  

[Sanzoskitsune]

Lin stop that train of thought. You haven't lost your friends love yet, not if you start appreciating them. Appreciate what you have or you really will lose everything, you have the chance right now that you see that you have it please Lin, if you keep going down this road things will turn out badly.  

[Serious Erius]

Lin, you like making things complicated for you, don't you?
You got terminal nose cancer that you fear you have missed your chance for love for life, or something?
You should ditch music and start teaching drama...you're good at it! razz  

[Sentama Lin]

Sanzo... I'm... happy... I've realized what I want... I want to love... and be loved... and I have that.

However, the obstacle in my way is myself... to finally appreciate what I have... my self must be destroyed...  

[Sanzoskitsune]

That doesn't sound happy to me, and what do you MEAN your self must be destroyed?  

[Sentama Lin]

I... must... die, Sanzo...

This cycle has been for a long 19 years... if I can't appreciate love until now... how do I know that I will appreciate it in the future... My friends realize that I'm precious... and it took me forever to realize that... I'm so ashamed to not see what is inside me...

I don't know what this death will entail... is it physical death? An inner-self death? Who knows... but something in me needs to die in order for me to continue...

I need to feel the pain of hatred to finally understand the love that people have given me...

I am ungrateful.  

[Serious Erius]

Lin:
So you're basically too stupid to imagine how it's like to be hated? You have to DIE first to be able to feel how hatred would feel like?!?
LAFFO!
Thats even more stupid then not being able to imagine love, it being so rare and all.

Come on~.
Don't be a moron...

Oh well, I'll tell you how it feels to be hated, because I'm nice like that. rolleyes
People don't want you around them, they want to avoid you and wish for bad things happening to you.
That's basically it.  

[Sanzoskitsune]

Lin... please don't be angry but I am about to be painfully honest with you in this next post, if you don't want to hear it then I suggest not reading.






You are being a drama queen, an emo kid and well... an attention seeker right now. You were saying how you didn't have love and now that you see that you HAVE love you're complaining that you didn't see it sooner and continue to self hate. If you have all this love and support around you yet say these things its either because you have some sort of emotional problem and need to talk to a psychologist and get some REAL help, not just some talk over the net or you are being an attention whore. You don't need to feel the pain of hatred to appreciate the love you have. And if you think you do then there is a HUGE problem Lin that will not be solved by a chat online but by PROFESSIONAL HELP  

[Sentama Lin]

I am stupid, Erius. I don't know any other way to learn but to be hated and lose it... I know it doesn't make sense... but learning the hard way... perhaps then I'll understand... It's been so many years... I've deluded myself into thinking the only reason I have friends is because... well...

I'm going to stop...

I know I shouldn't have done this... yet... stupid me, I did it anyways...

I should be able to imagine hatred... Gawd... stupidity... stupidity... stupidity...

Sanzo, I'm worthless as a person. That's why I couldn't understand why people loved me despite my worthlessness. I've always shrugged off any kind of kindness towards me as a sign of pity... and yet... now... is... was it bad that I realized so late... that I actually had value... that the love was not out of pity... but because I was loved?

I'm very sorry for putting this rant here...

I had nobody to turn to right now... especially this late...

I'm very sorry that... well... for this.  

[Sanzoskitsune]

Lin listen to me, all you have proven to me is that you are either one of two things, a complete and total emo kid who wants attention or someone with some serious problems who needs to talk to a psychologist. This talk of being worthless is complete and pure bullshit. The fact is you are not going to get any true help online. There is only so much someone over the net can do. You need PROFESSIONAL HELP are you listening to me when I say that? If you refuse to get some then I will officially dub you an attention whore and ignore you from now on  

[Serious Erius]

Umm well...
Before you go ...die or whatever you have to do, consider this:

If you really need your hatred to move on, how much progress can you do when other people do it for you?
Wouldn't you just break under the pile of hatred? Wouldn't you just agree on everythin, pitying yourself?
You even agreed that you're stupid...
So, how will our hate improve anything if it doesn't cause anything else than agreement on your part?

It's not hate you need...
I don't know exactly what you need, but it sure ain't hate...or death.  

[Sentama Lin]

For now, Sanzo... please, ignore me. It's going to take so long for me to destroy my old self... I don't know how long it'll take... but ignore my whines and posts that seem... well unhealthy...

Now... I need to apologize for letting my insanity ruin this guild which I should be grateful for... I'm trying to get help... but as the school year closes I have nowhere to go anymore.