THE ANGST ZONE (Use this, for the love of internetz! ><)

[Indigo Project]

I feel like I'm reverting to some kind of crazy stalker person now. I told my parents that I was ready to go back to church, but really I want to go because he can't avaoid me there, with his dad being pastor and all. I find myself writing every day in my little green notebook, and it's journal entries written as letters to him, speculating why he is scared, saying why I love him...  

[WhisperingSouls]

lucky ....


i have NO ONE to evfen try to love.....

i would be a crazy stalker if i loved someone....  

[Xanatos Forever]

WhisperingSouls

whats that supposed to mean?

Look back a few pages and you might understand...  

[Trish the Stalker]

******** YOU WORLD!!!

*storms off into the dark where it is sleeting*

...I feel a bit better now.

......not really.  

[Indigo Project]

I'll probably see him Sunday.

I'm not sure what to do.

I think I want to give him a letter, maybe a mixed CD....

My stomach is getting tied up in a knot.  

[Trish the Stalker]

Indigo Project

I'll probably see him Sunday.

I'm not sure what to do.

I think I want to give him a letter, maybe a mixed CD....

My stomach is getting tied up in a knot.

Keep it simple and short if you do.  

[Sentama Lin]

Love... I don't know if the problem with me is my fear of opening up to someone - making the first step in saying that I love them or I want to know them more as friends. Remnants of my inferiority complex, which is still there, is probably influencing me too. But sometimes... sometimes... the unrequited love hurts the most.

The third example seems to hurt the most, because my very essence of being yearns for a person that I find intelligent, fun, smart, and so much fun yet my mind knows that I would never be able to get to that person no matter how hard I try. I guess that's what I'm going through right now and I just want to stop it.

I've been advised to just try to oust my feelings for said person but as many know the soul cannot just cast off feelings of love. And yet, my view of said person is forever changed, the love I want to give never reciprocated.

It's strange... but I, with forlorn hope, wait to see if something will happen. I never know. Sometimes I feel I keep these feelings because it's the closest thing that I'll ever get - nothing else will ever compare to this. But it's utterly wasted.

This person I've thought of whenever I walk from class, during boring lectures, even when I catalog musical examples for my lesson plans certain songs remind me of him - though the songs have little to do with him. It's not an annoyance; I am aware that this is happening and it's not impeding what I have to do. It's merely there whenever I have idle minutes.

I want to go back to overworking - to return to a state where I have no idle minute to think about love and loneliness and unrequited feelings. But that's not an alternative, for exhaustion and sickness will sink in again.

To sever him off from me would be a loss of someone I really like as a friend, but that would let me - hopefully - forget him and these feelings that will never be requited. To tell him would be pointless.

*laughs* There's really no easy way out is there?  

[Fuku Taichou]

I don't have too much angst going on for me right now.

@ Indigo Project:
Uh, just make sure you're not going to church for the wrong reasons. I didn't read your previous posts, but if the guy's an avid believer (of whatever faith you have) then he might expect you to be the same way.. People vary, though, so maybe he doesn't care.. =p  

[Indigo Project]

La Belle Isolde

Indigo Project

I'll probably see him Sunday.

I'm not sure what to do.

I think I want to give him a letter, maybe a mixed CD....

My stomach is getting tied up in a knot.

Keep it simple and short if you do.

Heh, being concise is not always easy for me, especially when i comes to my own feelings once I decide that I am ready to share them.

@Lin: Opening up to people is hard, especially when you have been hurt before. Not trusting people is probably one of my biggest faults as a person. It takes a lot to open up to a person emotionally, and can be a frightening experiene for both parties. I kind of know how you feel. I'm partly glad that I have become so busy as of late, but many of the things I enjoy have a way of reminding me of him. Even when my mind cannot be allowed to rest, he still invades my thoughts.

If he is a true friend, then you will find a way to stay that way. Who knows, maybe confessing your feelings will even strengthen that.

@Fuku: He and I talked about religeion early in our relationship, and off and on throughout (I feared it would come between us, but he promised it wouldn't). It's hard to say where exactly he stands in terms of faith, but he helps lead the high school group at times and became a full member of the church to support his father.

I asked him once if he believed I was going to Hell... When he left me, I felt like I was already there.  

[Sentama Lin]

This is a different angst, but something that bothers me nonetheless. The angst that I experienced about my friend will always be there, but it'll just go with the other unrequited loves that I've had that would never be, no matter how great they are.

This world is crazy... and I'm often overwhelmed now. I'm falling for the same thinking that many are going through and yet I want to keep going. "I'm only one person! What possible change can I do for the world? What can I do?" These statements always ring in my head, like a constant alarm that would never shut off.

I'm beginning to do my best to shut off these voices and simply do what I think I can do for people; worrying about the lack of change I'm doing won't bring me any closer to change. But I always bombard myself with reasons that I should just do what I want and benefit myself.

I don't need to help the world, no I don't. But I know I want to. But it's so hard when one knows that one would possibly never do anything to actually save it. Even if I become the best teaching candidate I can be will I really change anything? It's so mindboggling because I have no idea if what I do will actually be worth it. I tell myself all the time that I have to keep going, because kids out there need teachers who will love them and care for them and give them the resources they need to better the generation for their children. But sometimes I'm so caught up in the insanity of the world that I don't think that anything I do that I want to do out of love would be simply pointless.

I've grown accustomed to not watching the news anymore, for I know that if I watch it I would get discouraged. The killings and general insanity, the people who are starving, the people who are unloved. There are so many people to help and only one me and I can only concentrate on one group. I know it's better that I do watch the news - for I know how I can help - but it's just so depressing to read about the essential decline of society and war and violence between people who have the same blood running through their veins as I. People so different, but so very human, and we're all fighting.

This world makes me cry sometimes, but I can't spend time crying because what would tears bring? But I do feel worthless and useless...

Does anybody share the same feeling of... I guess... an inevitable road to futility? True peace is impossible and, to be truthful, quite boring. But, all the things I see and hear about seem overwhelming...  

[Large Inmate]

I don't know if it's similar or not but a main reason I am the way I am is because I always think that I'll never contribute anything. I tell myself that isn't true that I do have qualities and abilities that will benifit this world. That I just have to find my passion, what I love to do.
It may be similar in that you want to continue your studies while I want to get a handle on my diabetes and that we are both held back because we keep contradicting ourselves.

I can tell you one thing. This world needs more people who care, people who want to change the system.
I also tell myself things like that.
Life is a war with many battles.  

[Trish the Stalker]

Love is a funny, sickening thing.

It makes you do stupid stupid things.

When I put it in simple words it sounds just wrong, but I want to be with the man who nearly broke my wrist and once even nearly snapped my neck in rage and confusion.

He is also the man who makes me wonderful dinners, wrote me a poem, gives me back massages when I ask, strokes my hair, and loves me with everything he is and wants to give everything to me. He does feel guilt for what he's done and so far since we got back together we haven't had any problems, and we're going slow and being careful.

But the things he's done are going to take time to truly forgive and for me to truly love him again.

So I am going to angst because I know its dumb to go back but at the same time I can't keep myself away, because the pain I felt when he broke up with me was unbearable, as if my soul had ripped in two.

Girls are so stupid sometimes.  

[Indigo Project]

La Belle, there are times I wish I wasn't a girl.

I guess I know how Lin feels about helping the world, but it doesn't bother me the way I used to. I spend more time turning my eyes inward, seeing what I can do to change myself, make myself a better person, etc. It's not that I gave up on the world, I just live by the philosophy that if you can't take care of yourself, you shouldn't be trying to take care of everyone else.

Well, I see him tomorrow morning. I'm thinking about writing a letter tonight, but not doing a CD.I'm hoping that if he knows how I feel, maybe we can find a way to be together again.  

[Indigo Project]

*throws lotion bottle at the wall* No. NO. NO!

My parents decided we aren't going today.

I can't see him.

I want to destroy something.

At this rate, I never will see him again.

*headdesk*

*headwall*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHGR! scream gonk crying cry sad neutral

.

.

.

*sigh*  

[Trish the Stalker]

Indigo Project

*throws lotion bottle at the wall* No. NO. NO!

My parents decided we aren't going today.

I can't see him.

I want to destroy something.

At this rate, I never will see him again.

*headdesk*

*headwall*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHGR! scream gonk crying cry sad neutral

.

.

.

*sigh*

*hugs*

I'm going crazy thinking about someone I haven't seen since I wasn't a legal adult... and he was. I kind of feel your pain.

I just can't stop obsessing over him... and he's a former teacher who's still twice my age (in all fairness I developed a crush on him when I thought "oh, he's an intern" and assumed he was in his 20s... not his 40s). It's an unwanted obsession to boot, and I can't make it go away. It makes me want to put a hand or head through the wall.

The thing is that even if it turns out he doesn't have any prior engagements with anyone... then what? Gaaah, I'm so stupid. *jabs scissors into forehead*