THE ANGST ZONE (Use this, for the love of internetz! ><)

[aretoo]

 

[Trish the Stalker]

OMG I ISH TEH HUGGLED!!!

*loves*  

[Trish the Stalker]

So my friend told me to get some time off work... HA! I've had 2 days off now, 2 more days to go... my cat and friend died on Thursday and my friends (including him) were supposed to come over on Friday to make me feel better, but I've spent the last two days alone in an empty house. That's right, my last two days off I've spent alone, crying without friends. How the ******** that for for time off?

Great relaxation time, let me ******** tell you.  

[Trish the Stalker]

God I love being in a funk... especially a "someone please save me" kind of funk.

No one ever comes to save you. If you can't save yourself you don't get saved, and that knowledge makes it that much harder to keep going some days. God I haven't felt like this in a long time... I just want this year to be over, I've done nothing but make an a** of myself.  

[Trish the Stalker]

So I keep trying to sleep with all my male friends. Yay. I'm getting a great track record here.

God I'm so lonely.  

[Trish the Stalker]

So I have a "date"

That may or may not be a date






I deserve some tenderness in my life. Hopefully somebody can give that to me.  

[Trish the Stalker]

I KNOW HE'S INTERESTED SO WHY IS NO ONE HOME?? DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!!!  

[Trish the Stalker]

NOOOO OOONE PICKS UP THE PHOOOOOOOOONE AT HIS HOOOOOUSE AND MY EX WOOONT GOOOO HOOOOOOOOME  

[Trish the Stalker]

*Angsts because the last three pages are made up almost entirely of her posts*  

[124-C]

OK, so here's a looooooong brewing issue from the Tsuj:

There's this girl, let's call her Irigijust, that I've known for pretty much my whole life. My parents knew each other for years before we were born. She was born about 3 months before me and our mother's had our baby showers as one party for both. We grew up together with a relationship very similar to a brother/sister relationship (at our baptisms her parents stood as Godfather/mother for me and vice-versa) but we were also very much just good friends.

The main issue started with grade school. She was homeschooled and I put in public. Up until then we had seen each other pretty much everyday and I was very used to that, but things dropped off then and there's nothing I could do except deal. Then she went into public for middle school, but we were at different schools, so we ended up with different groups of friends.

At this point I would like to say that the real problem started. You see, I started to like her (you know what I mean) but the way that we were raised made me uncomfortable with my feelings for her. So I didn't approach with my feelings and, with separate peer groups, we began to drift apart.

Eventually, we drifted so far apart that I didn't even see her regularly, but my feelings for her stayed very much the same (if not growing). By the time that I had worked up the balls to risk ruining what perceived friendship we had at the point by asking her out she had a boyfriend. The last thing that I would do is interfere and risk hurting her. So I waited longer. Then he hurt her and I lost all chance of a relationship of a romantic nature with her.

That was all in the past, the last act of it being about 5 years ago, but it was necessary to bring me to why I'm actually in here now. She got married today (the 29th). On my ******** birthday.

I'm very happy for her. Very jealous of him. And I'm not sure if I should cry or beat the living hell out of something. Oh well...  

[Trish the Stalker]

Oh... Tsuji... *hugs* I'm so sorry. That's terrible. Cry some manly tears while beating the crap out of something if you have to. Maybe you should tell her anyway, just to get it off your chest. She's married now, reassure her you would never do anything to ruin her happiness... I don't know. Either way *huggles* I still love you!

This is why I'll never wait to let someone know how I feel. Even if it ends up having me be neglected for revenge or video games, or paid attention to with violence instead of love. I'd rather deal with that than risk that. We'll see tomorrow if it pays off even just a little.  

[Arcanas]

And you're younger than I am...most people that end up getting married at that young of an age end up getting divorced...happened to my parents, they got married around my age, and after my sister was born...about...9-10 years after they had gotten married...

Course, that's just my situation...not saying that'll happen, but the statistics are there.

Anyway, nothing for me to angst about at the moment...just popping in to say something before I head to bed.  

[Trish the Stalker]

11:36pm Monday, Dec 31, 2007

Happiness is fleeting
And very oft
Also self-defeating

So my brand spanking new boyfriend that had me on top of the world went missing after spending time with his ex. I don't know whether to be worried that he's dead or cheating or what. The latter I know I could care less about, to be frank and honest. What I care about is being stood up, what I care about is not being called. What I care about is being terrified for his safety, especically when I found out his parents picked up his car with his phone in it, which I know for a fact is off.

Maybe he needed to clear his head... and I get that, I really do.

I just wish I didn't have to sit here hoping that my cell phone would ring with news that he is at least still alive and breathing.

And I can't help but wonder why I didn't see this fear and sadness coming, seeing as all my happiness goes this way, though I was hoping my optimism could hold out a little longer. Here's hoping I can at least stay away from my bad habits this time.

But God... I will be clutching this phone until it rings, I need to know... but I'm also terrified of him not being okay, and that I'm going to forever be spending every New Year's hence alone.

12:55am Today

Hopefully tomorrow things will sort themselves out. They are never really as bad as they seem, and it will all come to light and they will right themselves.

I'm going to call tomorrow, hopefully there will be an answer and I can hear his voice to know he's okay. Then I will be happy instead of crying my eyes out, and my New Year can begin just fine, and we can talk and figure out what really happened and I can stop panicking. I hope he's just being silly and guilt-tripping himself for nothing (there is nothing you could possibly have done that would have made me not want to spend time with you, unless it involved sacrificing small children without me, idiot. Serious, try me, I dare you)

In the event of something more tragic happening... I don't know what I'll do, I really don't. The thought of real physical harm chills me to the bone and I'll deal with that when I get there. For now I'll just relax and wait until the answers surface. Or at least try to.

Maybe he'll call before the day is over... just maybe. I'm hoping, just hoping. I've started praying, for God's sake. I never pray. All I know is that I want him to be alright and that I hope he'll let me talk to him. Perhaps we can even salvage the New Year and things will be better this time. Worse comes to worst there's always the Chinese New Year coming up smile

There's my optimism... I was so afraid it was gone. It's fleeting, and damaged but it's still there.

I'd just rather things worked out and he could see how unhappy she makes him. That's the difference between us, I just want to see him happy no matter where that happiness is, whereas she just wants to see him with her or no one else. And that's not fair, I can see how much it hurts him. Maybe I've just known him for a little while but it's written everywhere, and that selfishness hurts him so much.

My altruism is going to be the end of me eventually, but I don't care if it tears me up this time because I've got nothing else to go on anymore. There'll always be a next time if I fail again, anyway.

I wish I could even begin to hate myself for being the little fountain of forgiveness I am right now because I'm sure some of you out there are already wanting to smack me. Don't, please, because you don't know the whole situation at all. You just know the rant I made the other night when I didn't know what else to do at all.  

[aretoo]

Well, it's nothing like what you've had to deal with, La Belle, but aretoo's car broke down last night at 11:30 on the way to a rave. I was in a tow truck at midnight, while Kusa and a friend of ours were walking back to our house ('cause the tow truck only had room for one). What a way to (a) end the old year, (b) start a new year, or (c) all of the above! eek  

[Trish the Stalker]

Well if I can talk to him before the day is over I can still start the new year off on a better foot, because last night was last ******** it, it's not over yet.