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 Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 4:27 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 4:35 pm
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Jafthasleftthebuilding Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 4:37 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:08 pm
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 12:20 am
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 12:42 am
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 4:56 pm
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Ugh. People should /not/ talk to me at night. Especially about relationships. Especially when they have one that works.
At the moment, I'm single and bitter about it, and fed up of absolutely no one around here wanting a nerd like me for a boyfriend. Unless, of course, they just want to ******** with my head and use me for a few shags, then boot me out when they're bored.
Imean, seriously, how many people honestly want someone who willingly spends a WHOLE. FREAKING. DAY. painting small model figures and building Gundam models.
Peopole often tell me that I should go out to clubs or pubs, but I physically can't do it. I can't deal with crowds, and I can only just deal with loud music when it's stuff I like.
Ugh. I'ma go die in a corner. |
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:10 pm
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:17 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:42 am
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I really want to yell at my mom. I want to tell her how it's her fault that I'm feeling so stressed right now. I want to tell her how she caused my dad's business to falter and possibly fall because my dad had to return to fix the financial problem she got us in. I want to scream at her for making it so bad that it denied the loans that I was supposed to receive this school year and possibly the next school years. I want to tell her that it's her fault for telling me that she needed my credit cards to pay the bills.
But it's not her fault; I'm at fault here. I wasn't able to see that she was using my monies and the other monies for her problem. It was also my fault for believing that she needed my credit and other finances I was saving to pay for things around the house.
And now I think I'm s**t out of luck. My parents can barely pay for my balance this year and because of the situation that she/I put myself in I can't get any type of private loan without some cosigner which I will never get.
In addition I'm also screwed jobwise because my parents would never let me leave school to just work; I've given them that option and they vehemently refused it. They won't forgive me for it, but most likely they won't forgive themselves if they couldn't provide schooling - which, of course, I would be totally fine for because I'm grateful that they even tried. Lots of people, after all, aren't as lucky as me.
But why do I feel so mad? I hate feeling mad at anyone and I hate being mad at myself; I guilt myself so much already (it's a Catholic thing I swear).
Dammit... Why couldn't I be smart enough or musical enough to get more scholarships... Why did I have to be so naive and fall for my mom's deceptions... Why is school so frickin' expensive? Why won't my parents just let me work?
Granted... I know I don't need their permission to do anything... but... Leaving this situation and being by myself at this point is worse. I'd have no financial backing or support or anything. I could most probably find a job, yes, but I'd need to mooch off people's houses to live and other things I'd assume...
Why doesn't God kill me? This is God's challenge, yes, for me to overcome, but I don't know what to do now. I'm... stuck...
This financial stain will stay too... If it's not paying for school it's the School of Education themselves. Who in the right mind would license a student teacher with a financial record riddled with delinquencies because of my own stupidity... Or my mom's... Actually it's just me... I'm the stupid one here. How does one trust someone with little credibility... Or at least credibility on paper...
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:25 pm
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Lin, she was your mom. It's hard not to trust your mom. Even if she has a bad track record, parents are so hard not to want to give them some chances, believe me.
*huggles*
Get a student visa to study in Canada, it's way cheaper here, lol.
Now, I digress. I came in here to angst myself, about how I think I found true love... with a complete moron (he really is a sweetheart, no fooling here... he's just stupid, blind, and completely deceived by the b***h he dated for 3 and a half years... she just gets tired of him and dumps him. That's seriously what happens. And I know how love can cloud judgement... I'm not clouded at all).
I'm being rational with myself, I'm not hurting or sad or broken. Just a little remorseful that it's not me that he wants right now. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. I can't do anything... maybe just tell him if he never changes. Everything I believed is challenged by this one person who is too stupid to see me... but he's not really. He's scared to leave her, but he wants to be with me. He even said so.
Isn't that ********? In my heart of hearts I feel something different about him, instantly... some carnal ingrained knowing and I don't want to let it go. It makes me sick and excited. I suddenly believe in fate and destiny with almost unquestioning truth and I want to make the rest of my life with him start right now and at the same time I have infinite patience and just the fact that I've known him seems to have been enough for me now and I could die happy too.
I don't know what to do at all.
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:31 pm
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Jafthasleftthebuilding Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:35 pm
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:38 pm
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La Belle Isolde Lin, she was your mom. It's hard not to trust your mom. Even if she has a bad track record, parents are so hard not to want to give them some chances, believe me. *huggles* Get a student visa to study in Canada, it's way cheaper here, lol. Now, I digress. I came in here to angst myself, about how I think I found true love... with a complete moron (he really is a sweetheart, no fooling here... he's just stupid, blind, and completely deceived by the b***h he dated for 3 and a half years... she just gets tired of him and dumps him. That's seriously what happens. And I know how love can cloud judgement... I'm not clouded at all). I'm being rational with myself, I'm not hurting or sad or broken. Just a little remorseful that it's not me that he wants right now. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. I can't do anything... maybe just tell him if he never changes. Everything I believed is challenged by this one person who is too stupid to see me... but he's not really. He's scared to leave her, but he wants to be with me. He even said so. Isn't that ********? In my heart of hearts I feel something different about him, instantly... some carnal ingrained knowing and I don't want to let it go. It makes me sick and excited. I suddenly believe in fate and destiny with almost unquestioning truth and I want to make the rest of my life with him start right now and at the same time I have infinite patience and just the fact that I've known him seems to have been enough for me now and I could die happy too. I don't know what to do at all.
Oh wow o_O...
I've experienced something eerily similar, well the part about you feeling like the way you described...
Sheesh... eek |
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