THE ANGST ZONE (Use this, for the love of internetz! ><)

[Reiku Alche]

azorana

ReikuGotH

Slim95

Bass20XX

That, and most girls take one look at me, decide I'm a nerd, and walk fast in the other direction.

I've found that most girls aren't usually turned on by my collection of MS:Gundam models.

Are you kidding me? whee "Nerdy" guys are the best.

I agree. I love most of the "nerds" and "dorks" I know ^^

XD wish i knew more girls like you and slim heh...my friend keeps making jokes about how all her friends are nerds...its like, wow, thanks?

That'd be a more correct statement if I was actually a girl, but I'll take that as a compliment wink And nerd isn't necessarily a negative label. Just so long as you acknowledge you are who you are, who cares how other people label you? If you like being you, keep it up. It doesn't matter what other people think, just so long as you're having fun.  

[Sentama Lin]

This entire weekend has been a crazy test of humility. I've learned quite a bit, but I just feel god awful right now; I just want to cry...

I went to a heavy metal concert with a few friends on Friday night. Because I don't have a job (yet; it doesn't start 'til mid-June) and because I couldn't bother my parents for food monies (for we have our own problems here at home) I decided to bring about three pockets of ramen noodles for me to eat while I was in the cities area. I wish I could've just said "I'm alright, really I am," but... it was just hard to say, and they looked really concerned. So on Friday night they decided to actually get me real food to eat, and they even bought me a drink. The ticket I had for the show I already got for free from them because they had an extra ticket. After the show, we all shared a pizza and breadsticks, encouraging me to have some with them.

Next, today, another group of friends were having a barbecue while we played Dungeons and Dragons and again, they encouraged me to eat with them before. I had another chance to refuse but, once again I was stupid and just took what they were offering. After our game one friend offered to drive me back home, which was a significant amount of time away from our play destination. Breakfast was also offered in the morning.

Now, I'm very thankful, but it hurts me to feel that my friends would do that. I know that if they didn't want to they wouldn't offer, and I even stated that I had things and methods to get home (though it would've taken another day), but they offered anyways.

It's... just embarrassing, y'know? I'm a little too proud; I don't like this treatment at all because I know that it would take me so long to pay them back for it. But... they know that I've... been having problems this year, and many periods of various roller-coaster ups and downs. But they really didn't need to do it, and it bothers me that they did because I know I can never fully pay them back and... well... some of us are in similar situations. I'm... grateful... I really am, but there's nothing I can give back that can never really fully repay the kindness all my friends give me.

I don't know if I should be angsty about it, but right now I'm just crying about it. I'm just baffled: "Why?" I know it's selfish to say, but I hate it when people are kind to me; I don't deserve it and I... don't think I can ever fully pay it back.  

[aretoo]

...If it helps any, think of it this way: at some point in the future, you can pass it on. F'r example, I used to rely on anyone for rides; I decided that once I had a vehicle, I'd give rides to those who needed it whenever I could. (And *have*...) smile

Hang in there, Linny...  

[TheHellDevil]

Lin. It's simple. They do that just because they care. If you really want to return the favour in some way, just do a kind act to someone in need when you're capable of it. Pass on that sincere kindness, whether it's back to one of your friends or a complete stranger, it doesn't matter.  

[Sentama Lin]

This is why I hate having to resort to actually saying what I feel is the truth. Normally I'm a follower of the adage "Speak Truthfully Or Say Nothing." I forget it exactly, but it's Buddhist. But that's not the point. Because my parents were so fed up with me being so distant from them, I finally told them the truth about my feelings:

"I don't feel comfortable around you all."

It was the nicest way I can say what I was feeling, and it was truthful, so I have no regret about what I've said. My parents have never fostered an environment in which one can talk about one's feelings. Every time I've shown any feelings of hurt in the past my parents have retorted with something utterly emasculating or saying, in a very annoyed tone, "You're crying again?!" I've never felt comfortable, ever, with sharing with them, hence why I feel uncomfortable sharing truly deep pains with anyone in real life.

My parents or, rather, my mom, misconstrued the statement, thinking that the implication was "I hate them," which is totally false. But needless to say my mom began to question me "Why the hell am I still here, then? Why don't I move out if you hate it so much here? You have no right to tell me that you are uncomfortable with us; you have no right to tell me that I am wrong." (paraphrased, but essentially the essence).

I wanted to say that "I'm here because I want to become comfortable, and I think by being here and helping around, because I know you all are busy and have your own problems, I will become comfortable." But she didn't give me enough time to say it, nor would she let me say it, for every time I mutter a syllable she comes in again, talking like she already knows what I'm going to say.

It keeps going on and on, and essentially ends with me feeling like the bad guy, a selfish child who cares little about his parents, when in reality I really do. I'm only selfish with my emotions, because I don't want to get hurt, and I feel nobody has the right to know what I'm feeling unless I choose to open up to them first, and I only trust a very select few with only some of what I'm feeling. But I care about my parents very much; I just can't talk emotions with them anymore because they keep saying that I'm depressed and everything, when all I really want is... well... a hug. Not from them, per-se, but from someone who I will be comfortable enough to share everything that I've pent up over the long years with.

Anyways, I'm still at the house, still hoping to help out whenever I can, because I know they need help, and without me they'd crumble. But... I'm expecting a change. I'm still here because I had hope that it could change, but this conversation confirmed that they weren't willing to change, and I couldn't change because they wouldn't even try.

I'm talking with my friends to hopefully form some support network in the worse case scenario that I will be kicked out essentially penniless and full of debt because of school. I don't know what I'd do, really. But... I guess if that happens... I'll just have to say goodbye to the world.  

[Jafthasleftthebuilding]

How about you type up what you want to say, tell them you can't express yourself by talking, hand them the paper that has legible font and tell them to read it. :3  

[Thaliat Everwood]

Lin, don't you dare go saying good bye to the world just because at this juncture of your life things have gotten a bit rough! You can get through this, and it sounds like you have some phenomenal friends to back you up if things get too bad at home. Seriously, I hope you were only being darkly humorous with that last remark... crying

Anyway, my parents never were people with whom I could be open with my emotions either. Or open about much of anything for that matter. There were a lot of other issues too, but they aren't the point. The thing is, many parents often do not understand their children or are afraid to try. We can't expect them to change...it would be nice, but few really do. At least you have friends who understand you and will back you up. Try going through life without even that, it is much worse.

So you aren't comfortable being yourself around your parents, you still have friends you can be comfortable around, right? That is good. Maybe your parents (or just your mother) misunderstood you when you tried to open up a little the first time, but maybe if you wrote down everything you *wanted* to say and asked them to read it all the way through, they might understand your view a bit more. Don't expect miracles, but don't give up either. Odds are that your mom felt like her parenting was being attacked because she misunderstood what you tried to tell her.

My parents still don't really foster an environment that lets us feel comfortable expressing our emotions. I moved back home, it's like things never changed since before I moved to the apartment. We've got an unspoken agreement where they at least have stopped prying, and I hide away in my room if I want to be emotional or expressive...or I do it outside of the house so they don't have to be uncomfortable by it. It took me quite a while to feel it was alright to be emotional at times in my life, and longer to realize just how may emotions I've kept bottled up over the years. I still bottle a lot of it up, it's old habit now...but I'm getting better. At least there are other places where it is more comfortable for me to express myself, and that works for me.

I hope you feel better about things soon, Lin. I hope things get better too. You'll find someone you'll be comfortable opening up with emotionally, of that I am certain.  

[Bassios]

Epic post is epic. And emo.

Some days I hate myself, and today is one of those days.

I've been feeling like s**t for quite a while, and until I broke down and couldn't stop crying last night, I didn't know why I was feeling so bad.

The myriad of reasons I'm feeling so s**t really shouldn't get me down, but they do. I don't know why, and I wish I did. Maybe then I'd be able to tell someone how I feel properly, instead of just whiny little bits.

No matter where I go or who I'm with, I never feel like I fit in. I always feel left out, because I'm not as outgoing as my friends are. I'd far rather sit at home and talk on MSN than actually meet up. But, to be honest, I don't feel very comfortable doing that. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin any more, and I don't know who I am, or why I should bother. I try so hard to fit in with someone but I never do.

I've heard the phrase that says that you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. If that's true, then I'll never love anyone else, because I despise myself. I despise how different I am, and how I'll never fit in. I despise how literally I take things, and how I always feel the need to correct people. I despise how I always whine over pointless things when other people have far worse problems and deal with them far better than I ever can. I despise how terrible I am with words, so I'll never be able to write lyrics for the band I'm supposedly in. I despise how I can't come up with anything inventive or semi-decent on guitar, so I'll always be just another guitarist, with nothing special about them to differentiate them from the masses of same-y bullshit.

I despise how I'm always the friend for everyone, and never anything more. I don't think I'd mind as much, but people seem content on ******** me about and then sticking with the "I'm happy as friends" bullshit. Obviously if you felt it fine to flirt with me, you like me to some degree. I despise how nice I am some days, because being nice gets me nowhere, except firmly in the "friends zone".

Maybe I just repulse people when they think of me as anything other than a friend. It certainly seems like that, because no one wants anything more with me. I know it shouldn't bother me, I'm only 19 and I've got far more to worry about, but when everyone around has someone to talk to and be with, it hurts. It especially hurts when a girl who said she liked me a while back now just wants to be friends, when I've been labouring under the delusion that someone as awesome as her would like me.

I'm sick of college too. The course is s**t.
"Games Development"
What does that conjure in your mind? Programming games and working with the innards of them? Yeah, same here. But no. We're not going to be doing any of that because, as my tutor said, "Most people won't understand how to do it". If they're not gonna understand it, they shouldn't be on the ******** course. One of the lads actually said to me "I don't really understand computers". ******** hell, almost all of them are ******** imbeciles, and I'm sick of it. I’m always the one who knows the most, and when I signed up to this course, I was actually hoping that I’d know less than everyone else, so I could learn something for a change. Apparently “games development” means spending all day playing games, because that’s what everyone must have thought, because all they want to do is play Unreal ******** Tournament all the time. Surely there are far better games out than that?

I’m about ready to drop out and get a job. But I don’t know where I’d be able to work. A friend as suggested that I should go work with her at the doctor’s surgery she works at. This would have been fine, except she’s the one I thought really liked me, and now just wants to be friends.

I’ve been contemplating going for a teaching course, then at least I’ll be more likely to get something out of it. Everyone and their dog are doing a games development course at the moment, and I’m not good enough at anything to actually get a step above them. I don’t know what I could teach, maybe music or I.T, but I don’t know how much better I’ll be at that.

I highly doubt this band is ever going to go anywhere because it’s almost ******** impossible to find anyone that plays metal and isn’t already in a band, especially if they play bass or drums. I found a drummer, but his dad won’t let him play in the band. Probably because we’re all older than he is.

I’m fed up of being alone, but I can’t do anything to solve it because I hate going out, because I know I’m not in control of anything anymore. I hate going to pubs because unless it’s the Yorkshire House, they all play s**t music. I hate going to the Yorkshire House because I don’t know anyone that goes there, and on the odd occasion that I do go with someone I know, they usually have all of their other friends there and I don’t know them, so I feel completely left out.

I shouldn’t whine on about how s**t things are, because compared to some people, my life is fantastic, but I still hurt constantly.

 

[Xanatos Forever]

Single Xan is Single domokun

The end... burning_eyes

Edit: and pathetically short post is pathetically short...sorry for wasting everyone's time...  

[Mugen Nagrom]

WOW thats a lot of angst! Makes me feel better that Im not the only one who hates the system and has trouble in college....  

[Kalstolyn]

Kals is questing again!

*stomps into the thread, screams something about the futility of life and the brokenness of society, then trudges out.*

Kals' Collaborative Crossword Puzzle!

Check sig for details!

 

[Taeryyn]

sad Unfortunately, having a life that "should" be great doesn't mean we won't feel depressed, especially if there's actual clinical depression involved.


I've been so happy these last couple of weeks, even though I've been so ******** broke that I couldn't afford to buy food. It was so nice to move somewhere and make friends. Immediately, no less. I was in Moncton for a year and I never made a single friend. But the fact that I'm different is really starting to weigh in here.
This is the point in the friendships where normally we'd sort of be moving from acquaintances to actual friends, but that's where it gets held up. For one thing, I'm pretty much the only guy in the group. For another, it would mean actually letting these girls get to know me, and there are a lot of things I don't especially like sharing, and some things that might freak them out. Bipolar disorder, anyone? =x Online, whatever. I don't care because it's not face to face, and it's easy to avoid people you don't like.  

[Xanatos Forever]

...

Click here...  

[Thaliat Everwood]

Xanatos Forever

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Click here...

*hugs Xan*

Aw, Xan, I'm so sorry to hear about your cat.