THE ANGST ZONE (Use this, for the love of internetz! ><)

[Sentama Lin]

I know. It doesn't even have to be a pity party too; I just need a few slaps on the face (out of love) and some grounding back to earth.  

[Trish the Stalker]

I think some alcohol and loosening up is in order for both of us. Getting back to earth can wait if I have a chance to go all out for a couple hours.

-La Belle Isolde-

 

[Sentama Lin]

Yeah. Alcohol, after all, isn't really something you use to ground yourself back to earth.

But a good, hearty meat dish, with some root vegetables, tea, and a hot bath, helps a lot. ^_^  

[Trish the Stalker]

Mmm.... I think I'm gonna make myself something nice and hot to eat right now and have a bubble bath before bed.

-La Belle Isolde-

 

[Xanatos Forever]

stare ...Just...blah...*head explodes with excruciatingly painful detail*...  

[Sentama Lin]

Some angst that just needs to be released.

I found a copy of alt.suicide.holiday.methods on my computer. I had this file for a while now, ever since I was about sixteen or seventeen. I've always been meaning to delete it; I've deleted it before, but I always seem to find it again.

Reading through it, it's not really bothersome to me anymore that I actually used this posting, but that people actually compiled such a list, and so extensively too. The angst that I'm releasing is more of a shameful one, for this file, that seems to always be somewhere in my life, is a reminder of all those times I was too weak to continue.

Though I guess I'm reading this because of exactly just that. I'd never use anything in it; I hate escaping. But sometimes I wonder if it's truly because I hate escaping, or because I hate pain.  

[Taeryyn]

Angsty angst angst on my part. confused

I need a doctor. I hate going to doctors. Especially new doctors. But I want off my meds. The side effects aren't so bad, but I want to see if I can cope without them, or if I'll just stop functioning.
I'm sick of feeling foggy and numb and dead, and I'd like to know if I'm actually unwell, or if it's just a mindset or a misdiagnoses.

It would be nice to just be happy or not have to worry about how people react when they eventually find out. I don't consider myself mentally ill, but that's what bipolar disorder is. Assuming I am at all.

And honestly, even when everything was up and down and up and down and bleak, at least I felt alive.

xp  

[Sentama Lin]

It's pathetic... I can't believe... after two years... I still haven't gotten over that jerk.

For the people that remember, I've fallen in love with someone here two years ago, someone from England. He helped me see how special I actually was, and how beautiful I really was, but... I was too needy; I wanted him too much. I want to say that he left, without saying goodbye, because he fell in love with someone else, but I... I think I know that he left because I really wanted and needed him...

I would've done anything for him, and would still do anything for him now. I would hold him in my arms when he was in pain, which he seemed to be, in his own little way. When he went through withdrawals from pained addictions, I told him I would be there to comfort him and calm him down and wait for him to relax and sleep. I'd bandage his wounds, if I had the chance, everytime he got hurt, and I would kiss the scars that he had all over from a tormented past, in hopes that I could help him have a better future. I loved him, and I hated that I made him go away, but I hate it more that I can't forget about him.

I gave him my heart two years ago, for he was the first to make me see that I was alright just... being myself. I've never gotten it back, because he left, he never had a chance to return it, or tell me that he no longer loves me. Still now, I foolishly wait and hope that I'll be able to see him again, or sometimes I imagine exploring Germany, England, all places he would be, in hope that I can find him, to finally hug him again, and cry because it hurts so much to be away from him, without him ever saying good bye or giving back my heart.

If only he knew, that I've tried to find other people, but I just can't give out love when someone else has that certain love right now.

...I wish I could find him.. and tell him again how much I love him and care about him... and... ask for my heart back, because it hurts too much to remember that he still has my heart, and I can't go on without it... without him...  

[aretoo]

Great Scott... has it been two years already? eek  

[Sentama Lin]

It's been two years, aretoo, yes. I've never forgotten anything he said, and the things we've talked about...  

[124-C]

He was an a*****e, Lin. I kind of wish I had told you that back then, but I suppose I just figured you knew better than I did...  

[Sentama Lin]

No... I didn't know any better, and I should have... but that doesn't deny the fact that I care for him even now, and wonder how the hell he's doing... and I hope... that he's happy.  

[Taeryyn]

You can't "get over" someone that you're in love with. You can accept the current situation and move past it, but you can't get over someone if you still have those feelings for him. sad  

[pixyseshy]

Very true Ciel, I agree. Acceptance and move, but what urges that movement? Deepset relations (shared both or one way) with abrupt ends are a recipe for being lost.
It's funny how one action can tear people apart inside and out; and then it takes a longer amount of actions and such to somewhat repair that tear. Amazing how people treat one another, just amazing.  

[Sentama Lin]

There's really nothing else one can do but move on, at least that's what I always tell myself. But... sometimes... I don't know where to move on to...