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 Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 2:49 pm
I am going to post a lot of my poetry and would love people to give me some feedback. I am constantly trying to make my styles better, and I cannot do it alone.
So please, please, please!!!!! Help me out.
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Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 2:50 pm
This was for my Grandfather's funeral.
This is for a person dear to me
A letter of appreciation
A simple note
An ode of gratitude
Made for someone special
Written in the darkest ink
Are the wonderful memories
My own memoir about someone dear
About everything wonderful shared.
Every smile shone
Like a bright summers day
My own little escape
Where I could stay
Feeling like I was special
And like I was a gift
Though sometimes I felt otherwise
I want to thank him
For making life seem
A little less dim
And thank him for
All that he did
There are not enough words to explain
The amount of pain we all feel
There is no rhyme
That could possibly catch
This moment in time.
We all have memories of this life
Of this person we all held so dear
And though, to the world it may appear
As just another man, and another death
WE know the truth.
My grandfather, who was
A man, a hero, a husband, a friend
Will always be remembered by me
As the person always holding my hand
And speaking of the world,
And its mysteries.
This day is a thing I dreaded
For this time, goodbye
Will last forever.
But I want to thank you Grandfather
For living for me,
And making this world a better place.
I want to thank you,
For listening to me,
When I thought the world had turned away.
I want to thank you grandpa
For loving me with your whole heart
And remembering that everyone has flaws.
Thank you for loving me just the more for those flaws.
Thank you….a million times thank you,
For the things that will live on in our hearts
And our minds
For all of our lives.
I hope you know
That I will always remember you
For as long as I live.
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Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 2:51 pm
Here is another one...
I'm trying to understand
why this feeling inside
Is suddenly so out of hand?
Why is the world seeming to crash down
bearing its weight
Making me drown
In the agony of being alone
even as I stand in a crowd
How is it that my heart
is leading from love to lonliness
and ripping my soul to pieces
when its saposed to be putting it back.
Why can't I learn how to say goodbye
Why has my heart turned on me?
I'm trying to, get it all off my chest
push away the feelings
But I know that I have to share
and must be prepared for people to not understand
But why is it now that no one can see
there is a deeper pain withen me
and everyone is tired of hearing my words
And I am alone once more.
People say they understand
but they can't comprehand
there is a pain inside that won't stop
and no one trys at all
To ask me why I frown so much
and understand love for me is a must
and no one will ask
Why I cry each night
thinking of the things that were once right
Like the way I could talk to him
when I was sad the most
When I could see him and not feel so lost.
I wish I could tell people the extent of my pain
and tell the person, the one guy I trust
That I love him the most.
But can't anyone see, that I will never get this off my chest
Because the man who will listen, will still never understand.
So why does it seem now, that the world is crashing down
and why am I once again drowning in the ocean that I thought I had swam out of?
Why is it so painful, now, that I am so in love?
Even though over time, I knew nothing more would come
from the feelings I want to give.
I wish I could tell him, make him understand
that all my world is crashing
Because I am without him
All the trouble with friends, all the lonliness inside
is because I can't tell him
I will love him for all time.
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 6:36 pm
Aww...will someone please comment? I am really in need of some help///
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Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:08 pm
littleblackcat3 This was for my Grandfather's funeral. Hello your poem is very moving and very touching. You have done well. It captures the love between a grandfather and a grand daughter Your second poem is very lovely. It shows ( to me) of a young girl or boy, searching for understanding in a world of peers. I can also see it as a young girl or boy, searching for love and trying to be heard. Your poems are not dark or sad. They are both beautifully written. You have done very well.. Bare in mind this is my opionion. Someone else might feel differently. Keep it up. Happy writings PEACE
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Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 3:05 am
ok. I love poetry myself so I am gonna give some constructional criticism or whatever its called.
-too long for being un-rhythmatic poems
Your poems are long. now this is not a bad thing (i highly praise a good long poem). the problem is that you have made a long poem that doesn't sound like a poem at all, so its more of a dull choppy monologue. a boring speech.
-no rhythm
-no form
-no any kind of structure what so ever
Rhythm, form, and structure are what make poetry unique. Yours does not sound like poetry because it has none of those things. poetry has to be musical. it is "musical" because of how it has a beat, a rhythm, like music. that's what makes it fun to read. yours lacks rhythm (or any kind of structure for that matter -there are no patterns or anything), thus is not musical, thus does not sound like poetry, but simply a really choppy paragraph. your poem also has no form, no structure, no consistantsy in its lay out. its completely free lance. your stanzas are all different sizes and lengths.
-lacking sufficient amount of rhymes for non-structured thing
you only have occasionally rhyming words. now, a poem does not have to rhyme. it's the rhythm that makes a poem. so that's ok. but when you are already lacking rhythm adding more rhyming adds more structure to it. although you are better off fixing form.
hmmm oh yes that's right. you'll probably argue that it's a free-verse poem. but even free-verse needs SOME sort of rhythm/specific structure otherwise it is just not poetry but a choppy paragraph. and I have read good poems that had no structure, however, all of them were short and rhymed. I have an example but I'm too lazy to go and get it now. I'll come back and edit later...
anyway I realize I was harsh, but believe me I do love and enjoy poetry. your poems were still beautiful and meaningful and that's the best kind smile
oh and btw, I posted one of my own poems earlier today. go and rate it biggrin . you can even put a 1 as revenge for my harshness mrgreen
Sweet Days! xd
_Secret_Angel_3 heart 4laugh
OK i just went back and read the boyfriend thing. its really not as bad as I make it sound, but that doesn't mean your out of the water just yet. I still think you lack in rhythm, form, and structure.
do forgive me. its 3 am here and I'm not really concentrating while I read...
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Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:59 pm
*eye twitches a little at angels comment*
i'm sorry dear but i must make my rant on what you've just stated. for one, poetry is Not required to be "musical" or follow rhythm and rhyme. there is reason for the catagory known as "spoken word poetry", i am a poet and well known around the houston area out in the major sceens for my dark poetry... even if people dont care for it i do it because its fun... some of the greatest poems in history have neither rhyme or rhythm to them. and, and... *end rant* yeah now my lack of sleep and exaustion from work is kicking in... anywho no need to be an english guru just to be a poet, we write there for we are. Poets.
h-town poet: Darkness
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