Posts of poets

[Armcia]

The world lives no longer
Selves separated from selves
The world controlling our actions while we control our thoughts
Slowly rifting ourselves from existence
Warped and ripped by others
A subconscious force to hate the unknown
We use fake judgment to satisfy our needs of knowledge
Existence itself may not exist
If that would be false then we are living a lie
We no longer say as we feel inside

Yeah we rate and comment on posted poetry, what's not to get?  

[Jafthasleftthebuilding]

Well, I'm not the biggest fan of depressing poetry. biggrin

But I'll shall share my opinion.

I find the idea of the second line to be good, but the implementation feels quite odd.

If there's another way to rephrase it, I think it could sound better.

People separated from themselves.

People isolated from themselves.

Enigmas to ourselves.

Etc.

I did not like the word "ripped" being used in the fifth line. Again, maybe a replacement word or phrase could be considered.

Line 7 could be need instead of needs.

Lines 8 and 9 contradict each other. If line 9 is read after line eight, then we are actually living with truths because it's saying what if "Existence itself may not exist" is false. If you specify that, the problem is solved; however, then the word exist and all its forms would be repeated too many times.

Overall, I think this poem could be improved much more; however, you might just be using I style that does not agree with me.

It's up to you.  

[TwilightsFire32]

Man, I feel kind bad. I wish I woulda've seen this topic before I posted a new version of yours, I'm sorry!


Anyways, I liked you poem. It makes sense, unlike some that seem to be just a bunch of fancy words thrown together in an effort to sound like something real and deep.

People influence our actions, no matter what our thoughts.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man influences another."  

[Kalstolyn]

Kals is questing again!

Actually, I'm pretty sure this thread came first.

Interesting use of first person plural. Are you trying to insinuate/assume that the reader shares the same views and values as the speaker, or is it a plural speaker, a group of people crying out as one?

Kals' Collaborative Crossword Puzzle!

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