All you poets out there!

[TwilightsFire32]

So I originally posted this poem in a writing guild, but it's kinda a ghost town now, I'm sorry to say, and I really want some feed back on it. I'm usually not good at writing poems at all, but I think this one is pretty good.
I wrote it after something kind traumatic happened to me.

Bare in mind it's still something of a rough draft!

And if you wanna post you poems, then that would be great.

So, here goes.


Understand Me

Tear it out, tear it out
Leave me bare and exposed.

Don't you understand
What this does to me?

Scream out loud
alone,
Cry in secret of thunder.

Churning, turning, burning
Me inside out,
'Till there's nothing left.

Ashes f
...........a
..............l
................l
and
Pain resides with shame.

Don't you understand
What this does to me?

I am mute and
You are deaf and blind.

The truth I cannot tell,
And even if I could
You wouldn't

Understand Me.




I got a bit font/color happy.  

[Jafthasleftthebuilding]

So...

Is this a poem to be read, or to be read... out loud?

biggrin

Also, as an FYI, these type of poems aren't my favourite kind.

Now, if it's a poem for reading, you made good use of the fonts and colours and formats.

Especially with the word turning and how the ashes fell.

If it's Spoken Word, I felt the rhythm for those beatnik type bars. With bongos. Which would be neat.

It was hard for me to understand what exactly is the subject, except for the pain, suffering, frustration, and isolation.

I'm guessing what was torn out would be the heart? I've no clear idea.

Let's see, to pick on formats...

I think
"and
Pain resides..." Could be changed around to one line. It's weird to see "and" by itself since it's not an important word, emotion, or etc.

Compare it to what you wrote earlier,
"Scream out loud
alone,"

That's better in my opinion.

I also think you could use even more colours or changes on certain words for the visual effect.

Ashes could be grey/gray, etc. =3

Well, that's all my mind can think for now. Good luck.  

[Kalstolyn]

Kals is questing again!

1: People tend to bear things in mind... like bearing a heavy load, rather than bareing, which is when you expose something, as in "bare your soul" or "bare your teeth" or other things that are far too Jafty to type here. Or like in the first stanza of your poem, for that matter. Just thought you might like to know.

B: Good job expressing your feelings, I suppose. I'm personally not a fan of angsty amateur poetry, although I have written more than my fair share of it. I tend not to think of it as intended for public consumption though. I write those ones as more of a "word therapy" and generally burn them later once the mood passes. Writing stuff like this can either serve as an outlet or it can be an excuse to wallow in one's own misery. Or it can be manufactured to impress people with how "moody" and "artistic" one's black black soul is.

III: I think I can't decide if I like the visual effect. I like that it brings something unique to your poem and almost sort of makes up for the fact that its content has been used by people in their early teens over and over since the dawn of time. It's extremely effective in some places, such as the small font for the word mute or the large bold for scream, but I don't really understand the colour choices in the fourth stanza, and the isolated bold words drawing out the repetition of the title convey a rather nasty egocentric overtone that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Fourthly: This is a little pet peeve of mine. the word till means something similar to "plow". People till the soil. 'til with one L is short for "until" -- notice how the full word only has one L? The apostrophe stands for the omitted letters U and N. I can read the most beautiful work of art and I will instantly hate it as soon as I see a misused apostrophe or 'till in place of 'til. Just a little thing, but you know how little things can sometimes be irritating...

ε: I'm pretty sure we already have two or three threads for posting poetry and getting feedback...

Kals' Collaborative Crossword Puzzle!

Check sig for details!

 

[Kaleopaa]

jus wanted to say that im a rooky poet
yup...thats pretty much it mrgreen