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 Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 2:37 am
I WROTE ALL OF THESE POEMS BY MYSELF ON PAPER SO YEAH ITS MY WORK OK!!! So yeah i write peoms and i would like ur opinion on them!It would be very helpful since i want to write good poemsSo here's one HOw i long to be free like you up there so alone and cold yet so beautiful...
how you just hover over us watching down. You see everything and everyone.
You are alone up there yet you seem so free. No one or no thing to tell u what to do, its like a whole new meaning to freedom.
How do you do it?
Is it because you are dead and yet so full of life. You shine so brigth up there in the night sky.
How i wish to be you...
Full of mystery and beauty like nothing else in the world.
So calm so perfect so...Free
I wish I felt no pain like you and just be up there so strong and white please take me up there to the night sky.
I long to be rid of this pain that can never be healed...
And yet you seem to erase it when i look at you...
Oh Beautiful Moon.
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 2:39 am
here's another one the tittle is Dont be affraid of the darkness
In yourself there is a place that you cant seem to find
when you find that place you think its not kind
don't be afraid of the darkness inside
cause in the darkness is where u shall find
little by little the truth in your mind
look deep inside and you shall see
what you were looking for all of this time
is the darkness in me and the darkness inside
We are cold,heartless,stubborn and mean evil
but when you step in the darkness you will know what i mean
Open your eyes and look deep in your mind
and the answer you need you soon will find
your heart is the darkness where the truth lies
you opened your heart and you let speak your mind
and you know what you found the peace in your life.
By: Jose Rivera (Takkun-01)
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 2:41 am
OK this one is in the arenas in the christmas poem contest!!!* I woke up in the morning
and thought that the day would be boring
As I look through the window
and I see all that snow
I thought to myself "outside I shall go"
So white so pure the snow was that day
I whispered to myself "if only here i could stay"
"Everything so peaceful quite and pure
I could live happily here I know that for sure"
It was Christmas Eve's morning that day
and outside I played
for soon to find out my peace would last all day
I ran to my family,with a smile so happily
Christmas cheer was all around
so nobody frowned
Cookies and milk,eggnog and log's
for the fire place you know,so the house would be warm 3nodding
Decoration's all around
and a house full of people from all over my town
We had a feast,a party and so much fun
but then it got late so people said "oops i gotta run"
As I waved good bye like at 10 pm at night
I looked to the sky,what I saw up there I could not believe my eyes
looked like a sleigh,with shimmering dust all around
the last sound I heard was "Ho,Ho,Ho"
as it echoed through town
I went to bed with a smile 3nodding
and said to myself out loud after a *whee* whee "Christmas is next morning u see
so they will be presents for me"
3nodding
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 2:44 am
OK well these to are not really poems i just wrote them cuz i felt sad and well i write when im sad so yeah... im on my way into a place where now and for ever i shall sleep
and sleep deep for the rest of my life
i opened my eyes and i was sure to find
something disturbing that surprised me by sight.
a lonely person in a little corner
crying and crying until he got older.
nobody knows where he is right now
all we can hear is his crying out loud.
How i long for the sweet embrace of death yet
it seams that im not ready for it cuz i have not left this world
yet.
its like my calling in life is not fulfilled yet
and i need to still be alive but until the day of my sweet
infinite slumber arrives i shall live in a constant sadness
and delusion.
i know how poetic right but its the only way i
see my life nowadays im just waiting to do my calling so i
could finally die and feel peace of mind and of heart.
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Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:34 pm
3nodding there pretty good. sweatdrop i wonder now if i should inform you you spelled poems wrong in the first post whee (Sorry i think i might be turning a bit OCD) still good poems anyway spelling or not mrgreen
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Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:43 pm
They're not that bad of poems... but there's definitely a lot of room for improvement.
My very first advice for you, before I even get into analyzing each of the poems, is that you should always have a title for your poems. Only one of the poems you listed actually had a title. So... yeah. Now for analyzing the poems...
The first poem seemed to be all over the place for me. This may have been because I had no idea what you were talking about until the very end with the last line.
The second poem was a bit better. I don't have much to say about it, other than that the words of the third stanza reminded me a bit of a song from the Phantom of the Opera.
Your Christmas poem was my favorite of the bunch. If you plan on doing a poem that has rhyming words at the end of each line, then keep the pattern going throughout the whole poem. At times you had rhyming words and then other times you didn't. Punctuation is needed in a lot of areas. It'll make the poem flow a bit nicer, and easier to follow. It's "quiet", not quite in the line - "Everything so peaceful quite and pure". The next stanza state's that it's Christmas Eve's morning... we already know that from the beginning of the poem. No need to repeat it. What is up with all of the emoticons randomly placed in the poem? It's really disrupting of the poem. For the line - "As I waved good bye like at 10 pm at night" - get rid of the "like", it disrupts the flow. What's the sleigh doing up in the sky at 10 pm? Has time passed since you were saying goodbye? If not, don't forget Santa delivers toys at midnight. And at the end, I didn't like the part of "whee". I wasn't sure what you meant by it. Were you letting out a breath of air? Were you letting out an excited noise, like a squeal of sorts? Or were you using it as a description of passage of time?
For the last two, I don't really have anything to say about them.
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Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:33 pm
You have potential, I like your creative use of imagery. Try to keep in mind while you are writing what it is that you are writing about. It should be an idea that you want to impart to your audience, and it is better if you know what that idea is (in one sentence, not necessarily rhyming) before you start trying to write a poem.
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