Tactile Affection

[Sentama Lin]

I've been meditating and reflecting for a long while now, and I've come to realise these facts of Reality as I see it:

• I am already happy.
  • I am only unhappy when I want something I don't have.
    
  • Working on getting what one can't have only brings struggle and frustration.
    
  • Ergo, the way to happiness is to simply be happy with what one has.
• I don't need to keep any feelings I have to myself or to one special person. All people are human beings and have the compassion to understand and be compassionate. Honesty and openness is better.
  
• Because of this, a serious relationship is not needed.
  

Yeah, that's what I've come to. However, there is this conundrum of mine:

I need tactile affection.

Here's the problem with this statement. The statement above implies that without tactile affection I won't be happy. However I am happy, and to continue being happy, one must be content with what one has. That statement would qualify as a desire to me and should be eradicated.

However, I have been told by a very good and loving friend that that need is a natural part of being human, ergo it does not need to be removed; it is okay to need tactile affection because, as social creatures, it's something that is part of our inner nature. Some people need less of it, some people need more of it, but we all need it to some extent. I, in particular, need it more because I respond the best to a tactile response.

How do I get that though? The answer will apparently come to me says my very good and very loving friend if I just don't think about the answer and I don't search for it. But...

I am tired of searching around for sex, just because I feel the need to be held and hugged. It feels good at the time but I feel miserable after the experience because I feel like an object. Furthermore, I am using the other as an object as well to fulfill this need of mine. So we've both done damage to our souls, using ourselves with an unethical selfishness.

At the same time, all my close friends are moving away. With my wishes I told them to move because it will bring them much happiness if they did. Now, while my friends are still in contact, I can no longer get the tactile affection I need. On another note, the depression support group I've established is essentially physically disconnected, meaning I have no place to go if I feel like I'm not safe to be alone. I'm really losing all my source of non-maliced and close-by tactile affection.

All I ask of people here are opinions, thoughts, perspectives, and viewpoints. I won't criticise; all I'll do is read. The first step to change is learning, then conviction, then compassion. I figure if I just learn, I will get it.  

[Odd Boy Out]

I'm not sure where you live. There may be support groups available in your area for youth. If not, there may be opportunity to create one.

I think you can be happy while searching for something. However, it can become difficult after awhile. Do you live with family or near family? They may be the source you need. It's personally difficult for me to connect with my family, I'm not very close to them, but I would turn to them.

I've never had a relationship last longer than 4 months, but I'm inclined to think I'm serially monogamous, in the future having relationships that last up to 10 years long.

And if you don't mind me asking, are you also happy where you are? Your friends don't seem to be.  

[Sentama Lin]

I live in Saint Paul, Minnesota, and I don't doubt that there are support groups around my area. But I barely have the energy sometimes after I'm done working to do anything else but go home and rest for the next day. I'm also 22, so not a youth. However, I do feel that I need to find a group around that's more physically close to me. It doesn't have to be a depression support group (though, I should consider it too) but it needs to give me something where I can enjoy time with people and also get tactile affection as well (not sex, but perhaps just an extended hug).

Technically I have living family. However, they are in Arkansas right now and they are the main cause of my problem and hardship right now. Ergo, I've decided to keep only minimal contact with them because, while I can understand what they did (to the best of my ability), I can no longer trust them. I'm trying to build a family with some very close friends I have, but close friends don't want to stay.

Physically, I'm happy with my location. I'm not happy with my job or the fact that I don't get enough tactile affection. However, with the job, that just means I should look for a new job, which I'll be doing (even though it's hard to get jobs right now). I don't know a good and safe way to get the affection though.  

[Elcia]

This wont be much help, but perhaps you should look into a fuzzy pet of some sort. Dogs are always happy to give affection. But I have no idea if that would even be a practical logical thing to do in your situation.

It wont be another human being but pets are made of love...
Like I said not much help. sweatdrop  

[Jafthasleftthebuilding]

Perhaps it's time to develop new relationships with others?

Be like Faye from Questionable Content. 8D  

[God-Raped-Me]

Don't know if you actually care what I have to say, but you asked for opinions and what not.

In my experience going out of your way to find whatever you're looking for just wastes energy and emotions. That saying "good things come to those who wait" has been true over and over for myself and my family. Of course everyone wants to feel like they're needed in some way, whether it's a job well done or people need your shoulder to cry on. I understand that it's hard not to search for what you want. If you have that "I'm happy with the way I am and myself" attitude people can see it in the way you behave, the things you say, and in the vibe you give off. People are drawn to that kind of mentality. Make sure if you do go about that, that you let people know that just because you're happy with things that there isn't something that could also make you happy, such as a relationship, serious or not.

Everyone, usually, feels like they're needed, and everyone, again usually, needs to know that they are needed.

As for feeling like you're using someone and vice versa, or feeling like objects. In order to have a deep and meaningful relationship you need to be able to give yourself completely to the other and they to you. You need to have full trust in the other and you need to know that no matter what you would do anything for each other. There is always a period of trust building at first, once you reach that full trust in the other then you can be open and giving to the other. People say that relationships should be 50/50 by each. I disagree. Relationships should be 100/100. I don't believe there should be any holding back by either party.

Like I said I don't know if you're actually going to care about what I said, but if you do, I really hope this has helped. Of course with anything in this world, it takes experiences to learn things like this. So remember that with all the good the bad has to come as well. All we can do is move on and learn from what we have done.  

[Sentama Lin]

Animals are a good way to do it. But I can't support animals right now with my income.

Jafty, I'm doing that, but I'm not going to just to satisfy that need; that would be selfish.

Grmmmy, it's your experience; I can't judge that. However, what I gained from my experiences, through my meditations and what I'm training to do, is it's better to love someone for them, not because of something that they give me (in this case, because they make me feel needed). I feel that if I love someone because they make me feel needed, it's not true love. Rather, it's selfish. I'm manipulating them to get that need I want and, even if the other wants to do that, it's still manipulation in my head, so it's against my ethics.

I want to love people (not just relationships, serious or friendship, but all people) as one would love the sunset. They find them beautiful and wonderful to behold, but they don't try to conquer it; to keep it beautiful and wonderful with everyone, I won't try to conquer them, "make" them be my friend, "make" them be in a relationship. I won't expect anything from anyone, and I won't depend on anyone for my happiness. It doesn't mean that they don't bring happiness to my life. But, once I get an image of them -- an idea of them -- in my head, I instantly stop seeing them for who they are. Even a good prejudice or judgment -- this person is respectful, this person is truthful, this person is kind -- is a prejudice or judgement, and that's unfair, even if it is good. Rather, it is better in my point of view to see them as them, without the positive or negative judgments that I have. Through that, I won't love them because they are truthful to me, or kind to me, or honest with me, but I will love them because they are them.

That kind of love requires no prejudice, no expectation, no binding on anybody's part (whether it is "I'm bound to you because, in this fashion, I depend on your happiness" or "You're bound to me because I make you happy" .).

Anyways, I learned in my meditations today that I don't even need affection. In a weird sense of way, I can give myself the affection I need. And, it would be unfair, in my opinion, even if it is a natural part of human nature, to search for affection from people, because even if it was reasonable, I'm using them for a selfish means.

But that's my thoughts so far, and I still have lots to learn. So I appreciate all the view points.  

[God-Raped-Me]

Not quite sure how to word what I want to say, but's I'm going to try and I don't want this to feel like I'm attacking or being mean, I'm simply going to try and state my thoughts.

You're referring to this need as selfish to fulfill, however this is is a basic need for humans to survive. Think about it. If humans didn't have that want to be needed we would never have become the social creatures we are now. We would have had sex reproduced and moved on to whatever was next.

I believe this need is just as important as the need to eat or breath. Are you selfish when you eat because you're hungry? This is how I think of it. Everyone has basic needs and makeing sure you get those needs is not selfish to me. However if you had a person around for such needs and didn't fulfill their needs then I would consider that selfish.

Something that helps with not prejudging people is when meeting them just say to yourself "Regardless of who they are, I will be nice to them." Then after meeting them it's more than fine to have your own viewpoints on them. There will be people out there that for whatever reason you don't like. Just as long as you make that decision after getting to know them.

I'm happy that you are able to sit back in your life right now and learn about yourself and others. I hope it's making you a happier person.  

[Sentama Lin]

I'm still debating on the need. It's a natural part of it, but the act of going to find people, friends, whatever, just to fulfill that need is selfish. We all need affection; I know that. But, if one's main motive in a relationship is to simply fulfill that need, that's when selfishness hits. From love that need will be satisfied, for don't friends love to give affection to each other, because they are friends and they want to give it to this person? I think we have the same idea, essentially.

The point I'm making is with me is I feel more aware, and I don't want to use people to feel loved. Rather, I want to love people, and through that, both people's needs are met.

That still leaves the odd question of "What's a serious relationship for, then, if I'm open with everyone about everything?" . Granted, that's the ideal, and not the reality, but that's what I'm striving for.  

[Xikrai the Risen]

I've avoided this one just because I don't really know what to say.

For me, I give more than I think in a relationship. I don't feel anyone truly needs someone else. Like in the basic sense of it, ie survival. But, people want affection to the point that we pretty much need it. Lol where am I going with this.

Well, for me when I'm in a relationship I want to make the other person happy, sometimes overlooking my own and that definitely is wrong. It's most certainly not selfish to need affection from someone.

I still don't know what to say lol. I'd definitely say though don't go actively seeking out someone. Just let them come to you, be happy and merry until then. I think you already know that though. I have always thought this way, you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself. I almost forgot that with my ex-fiance...I let myself stay stuck and we never really moved forward.

Yeah...what am I talking about? I'll get back to you later after work and I can read this to see if makes any sense and maybe after you've answered.  

[Elcia]

Yeah I doubted the animal suggestion would be helpful.

What you are striving for is not an easy thing to grasp/relate in words... You seem to be looking for something deeper.
Bleh I hate it when I can't find words to describe my impressions...
I think you already understand what's involved and that its not easy. So I'm with Kayla, even if we can actually be helpful on a practical level for you we are here to listen.  

[Sentama Lin]

Thanks. I know it's not easy, but it's something I want to do, because, even though I wake up sometimes with feelings of loneliness, those feelings seem to dissipate in a small amount of time after I realise how pretty things are outside, after I say hello to some people on the street, how nice the sun feels. And, well, then, in that case, I feel happy just being me, and people and things just being them. And it's a strange kind of happy because... I think the best way to explain it is you're happy being alone, and in a certain respect that brings about loneliness, but it's not an unhappy loneliness. Rather, you realise how not alone you really are when you are lonely, and that brings you happiness.

Eh, I don't know. I feel sometimes that it's something that I can't describe in words. Once I think I have it down right, it doesn't sound right anymore.  

[God-Raped-Me]

Once again experience...

I've found that once you become comfortable with enjoying what you have that's when good things will follow.

I strongly believe in Karma and when you do enough good, whether it be good for yourself as in body and mind or good for others, then good things will return to you. However when you let yourself become hateful and full of anger that's when bad things will happen like what I'm going through now. Believe me, when you get to the stage I'm at it's harder than hell to make things right again.

I hope you can find your bliss and that bliss in turn finds you.