Helping with the problems of others | Page 1 | Community Lounge | Guild Forums

Bassios

6,250 Points

200
200
200

Offline

Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:28 am


	Last night my girlfriend and I had a huge argument and nearly broke up, because I'd acted like a jerk and said something insensitive. After I finally managed to get her to talk to me again, we talked for about 4 hours about quite a number of points. The biggest one being that quite a few times I've seemed like I haven't cared about her problems and changed the subject onto me. I can entirely see how she sees this. I'm terrible at helping people with their problems. For my girlfriend, the best way to help her is to get her to talk through her problems and resolve them that way. I don't understand how to do this, because I don't see that talking about problems helps me, and because of this I don't know how to go about talking people through their problems. I don't know what questions to ask or what to say, I don't know how to act and it hurts both her and me. I come to you guys for help, can you give me any advice on helping people? What methods do you find helpful when dealing with problems? What kind of questions can I ask? What should I do? I really need your help, ATG.

Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 6:49 am


	Well, at the very least, don't feel too down on yourself. Communication is hard, especially when it comes to resolving problems. I know that sometimes if someone I know is having a problem, I try to use my own personal experiences to help. Sometimes this can make a person feel like you're making the situation about yourself though. Sometimes, before I bring up a personal example, I'll say something like, "I know my experiences are different from yours, but is it ok if I tell you about something similar that happened to me?" And men and women have different ways of communicating with each other. When my boyfriend and I started our long distance relationship (>_> see? there I go making a personal reference, but I'm mentioning it hoping that it helps you) we would get into lots of silly arguments just because we'd miscommunicate something. When we'd have a big argument, I would want to talk it out, but he would want to just drop it and move on. The problem with just dropping an argument without resolving things is that people can be left with hurt feelings, and the sense that they can't do anything about it. Talking through an issue can be very tedious, and sometimes you reaaaaaaaaaaaally don't want to, but I've always subscribed to the "Never go to bed angry" idea. Since my boyfriend and I have to do 90% of our interaction over the phone, we agreed early on that if we had an issue, even if we didn't want to, we'd resolve it instead of hanging up the phone. We also agreed that if one of us became really frustrated and needed a minute to collect our thoughts, we could say, "I'm going to call you right back, give me a minute please." So I guess my point is that everyone has different ways of communicating with each other. Relationships sometimes take compromise, so if you guys can figure out the ways that you each handle arguments, it might be easier to respect those differences. For example: if she really needs to be able to talk through a problem, maybe you could be more sensitive to that. Or if you personally need a 5 minute break to gather your thoughts, or if it's really late and you'd rather resolve things in the morning, maybe she could be more understanding about that.

Kyla_Ewens

Crew

Questionable Receiver

13,125 Points

50
100
500

Offline

Saverio C.

4,200 Points

100
100
50

Offline

Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 10:11 pm


	A relationship is now about what you want, but what the both of you expect to receive. Most people want someone to talk to their problems with and confide in, so if your girlfriend is like that you should talk to her. There is no guide on how to talk to people about their problems, just give it your best shot. When people want to talk they have something to say, so let them say it. Work with them to understand why they feel the way they do and what they want to do about their problems. A listener isn't there to force the conversation to happen. They are there to keep it going. If all else fails just use the good old fashioned, "can't talk now I'm being kidnapped" plan. If she calls your bluff then hire some guys, I can hook you up with some good people.

Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 10:47 pm


	I have it easy when it comes to talking through people through their problems. It comes naturally to me because I find it so easy to identify with their point of view. I can't really give pointers for how to communicate better, because it's more of a reflex to me. But I will say this. Keep your mind open to the possibility that their views might not always align with yours. The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open and try not to make it about you.

Kusaragi

Versatile Flatterer

9,800 Points

0
150
100

Offline

Welcome to Gaia! ::

Gaia Guilds

The Any Topic Guild

Quick Reply

More Information