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 Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 3:59 pm
This is a short story that I wrote a while back, but think I wanna do more with it.
Comments or critique?
I'm running. I desperately need to get away. My legs are cramping an I can barely breathe, but I have to keep running. Footsteps are catching up to me, my heart is pounding in my chest. I run down the hallway until I reach a door. It's locked- a dead end. I panic, what do i do, but it's too late. I feel him behind me. I turn to face him. He appears strikingly beautiful, with golden hair and ice cold blue eyes. But it's only a disguise, I can see what he really looks like. He's a demon, so horrible words can hardly describe. I'm terrified, and he knows it. He is amused. I release a breath I hadn't known that I was holding, and screamed.
When I open my eyes I'm sitting up in my bed. I had that nightmare again...
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Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 5:59 pm
intriguing - although many stories i've read on gaia
start out this very same way.
you're missing quite a bit of correct punctuation and grammar
and there are many places
where a semi-colon belongs.
capitalization, also, seems to be an issue.
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Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 8:15 am
A good little piece of narrative, sans some minor spellcheck. Overall, I think it would make a great opening for a book.
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Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2010 6:08 am
Ooh, that is intriguing. Definitely keep going with it. Have you considered using it as a NaNo idea?
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Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2010 6:20 am
It's a good opening for a book but I've seen similar stories starting with the same concept. Here's a little advice to make it even more intriguing.
Try using italics for certain words like this one:Quote: But it's only a disguise, I can see what he really looks like.
If you italicize the word 'really' it would have more of an emotional effect. It would look like so:
"But it's only a disguise, I can see what he really looks like."
As for this:Quote: I panic, what do i do, but it's too late.
Maybe a repetition would give emphasis on the character's panic? Like so:
"I panic. What do I do? What do I do? But it's too late."
And italics once again plays a part. xD
Hope it helped some.
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Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 11:11 pm
sessqueen intriguing - although many stories i've read on gaia
start out this very same way.
you're missing quite a bit of correct punctuation and grammar
and there are many places
where a semi-colon belongs.
capitalization, also, seems to be an issue. Yeah, I know there's a lot of grammar stuff I need to fix, just wanted to get the idea out.
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Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 11:13 pm
The Silver Sundae It's a good opening for a book but I've seen similar stories starting with the same concept. Here's a little advice to make it even more intriguing.
Try using italics for certain words like this one:Quote: But it's only a disguise, I can see what he really looks like.
If you italicize the word 'really' it would have more of an emotional effect. It would look like so:
"But it's only a disguise, I can see what he really looks like."
As for this:Quote: I panic, what do i do, but it's too late.
Maybe a repetition would give emphasis on the character's panic? Like so:
"I panic. What do I do? What do I do? But it's too late."
And italics once again plays a part. xD
Hope it helped some. Thanks, the emphasis is a good idea. I thought it seem cliche as well and was trying to think of ways to make it different.
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