Clarence the Librarian
(modern fairytale)
Once, there was a young man named Clarence, who worked at a library.
Most people would consider that boring, and they’d be right.
But Clarence
never got bored. He loved books. He loved sorting them, shelving them, cleaning them and repairing them. Occasionally, when he had free time, he even enjoyed reading them.
One Friday night, while everyone else his age was out having all sorts of fun, Clarence was sorting books in the Biology section, standing on a ladder so he could reach the top shelf. Just as he was putting the last book in its place, when there was a terrific bang and he was suddenly surrounded by pink smoke and glitter.
Clarence was so surprised that he fell off his ladder and hit the floor head-first.
When he came to, he found himself face-to-face with a short, thin, rather cranky-looking woman. She was smoking a cigarette.
“Excuse me.” Clarence said as he stood up and brushed himself off “You’re not supposed to smoke in here.”
“I’ll smoke wherever I like.” The woman replied. “I’m a fairy godmother.”
“The rules still apply, I’m afraid.” Clarence began to push her gently towards the exit. “This is a public library.”
“Didn’t you hear me? I said I’m a fairy godmother!”
“What’s that got to do with me then?” Clarence asked. He’d read about fairy godmothers and was mostly sure that they didn’t exist. He certainly never expected to be visited by one.
“I give help to those in need!” The fairy godmother gave Clarence a quick once-over. “And boy, do you ever need it.”
“I don’t need help!” Clarence insisted, hoping the strange woman would go away. “I’m perfectly happy.”
“Really?”
“Yes!”
The fairy godmother snapped her fingers and a small black book appeared in her hands. She flicked through it briskly.
“Let me see… your name is Clarence, yes?”
“Yes.”
“And you work at a library?”
“Yes!”
“You’ve never had a girlfriend?”
“I don’t see what that has to do with anything.” Clarence mumbled as his cheeks turned pink.
“Answer the question!”
“Alright, fine. Since you insist, I suppose I’ve never really talked to that many… y’know…” He trailed off.
“Any friends at all?”
“No.” Clarence sighed.
“How about pets?”
“I had an ant farm once. It didn’t end well.”
“That settles it then.” She closed the book with a snap and it vanished. “You are miserable. You need a nice girl to go out with, and fast.”
“Alright, fine.” Clarence was starting to get a bit fed up. “Where do we find one, then?”
“Oh, that’s easy.” The fairy godmother snapped her fingers, and the library vanished in a puff of pink smoke and glitter, to be replaced by a crowded room with loud music and lots colourful flashing lights.
“WHERE ARE WE?” Clarence clapped his hands over his ears. “AND WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT AWFUL NOISE?”
“It’s called a club.” The fairy explained “Girls come here to meet nice boys like you. In fact, there’s one now.” She gave Clarence a push. “Go over and say hello.”
Clarence stumbled over to the young woman sitting in the corner.
“Uh… Hi.”
“Hi!” The girl made a big show of inviting Clarence to sit down. “What’s your name?”
“I’m Clarence.” He tried very hard to think of something interesting to say. “I work in a library.”
“How fascinating!” she leaned in close. “What’s that like?”
Clarence excitedly began to tell her all about his work at the library, including a detailed explanation of the Dewey decimal system.
“What about you?” He asked, once he was finished. “What do you do?”
He got no answer. He waved his hand in front of her glassy eyes and unmoving smile. No response. Dejected, he headed towards the bar, where his fairy godmother had racked up an impressive collection of empty glasses.
“So how’d it go?” She asked, smiling smugly.
“Well… she still has a pulse. I think.”
“Oh dear.” Her face fell. “Maybe we should try somewhere else.”
“Can it be somewhere quiet?”
“Oh, fine!” The fairy godmother snapped her fingers and the noisy, flashy room disappeared in another puff of smoke and glitter.
“Well?” The fairy godmother asked. “What do you think?”
“It’s certainly very quiet.” Clarence looked around. “And very black.”
And it was. The walls were black, the floor was black. All the
tables and chairs were black. And the only colour on people’s clothes was black. They were also covered in spikes. Clarence felt very out of place.
“Look!” The fairy godmother pointed to a table on the far side of the room. “There’s a girl! Go talk to her.”
“Well… alright…” Clarence walked towards her. He was extremely nervous. This girl had enough spikes to impress an echidna. He summoned up all his courage and took a deep breath.
“Hi. My name’s Clarence.” He introduced himself. “I’m a librarian.”
The girl seemed unimpressed.
“Do you like books?” He asked. The spiky girl glared at him. “I’ll take that as a no.” He raced back to the fairy godmother.
“Get me out of here!” He pleaded.
“Alright! Alright! I know just the place.” The fairy godmother snapped her fingers once again. When the smoke and glitter vanished, Clarence looked around.
“I don’t see any girls here.”
The fairy godmother rolled her eyes.
“You know what your problem is Clarence? You’re too picky. I’ve had enough, I’m out of here!”
She snapped her fingers and vanished in a now-familiar puff of smoke, leaving Clarence alone in the club.
“How do I get out of here? Come back!”
Clarence shoved his way through the crowd, searching desperately. In his panic, he tripped over his own feet and knocked a man to the ground.
“Hey! Watch where you’re going, mate!”
“Sorry!” Clarence tried to explain as he helped the man up. “I’m looking for a fairy.”
“Well you came to the right place.” The man laughed loudly. Clarence couldn’t see what was so funny.
“Do you know how to get out of here?” He asked.
“Sure.” The man pointed left. “Exit’s that way.”
“Thank you!” Clarence called over his shoulder as he headed for sweet freedom. He emerged into the brisk night air, only to be knocked flat on his back.
Now feeling extremely dizzy, Clarence pulled himself to his feet and looked up to see a girl peering back at him through a large pair of glasses.
“I’m so sorry, I had no idea you were there!” She held up the large stack of books she was carrying. “I was just in a hurry to return these to the library.”
“You... like the library?” Clarence asked.
“Like it? I love it!” The girl exclaimed. “I wish I could stay there all the time!”
Clarence felt his heart skip a beat.
“It just so happens I’m on my way to the library too.” He said. “Would you like some help carrying your books?”
“Oh, thank you! That would be nice.” The girl blushed as she handed Clarence the stack of books. “Would you like to stop and get coffee on the way?”
“I would like that very much.” Clarence replied, smiling.
And so they did.
The End
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