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 Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 4:14 pm
♥ yeah, I think I made one of these before, but I can't remember, and I couldn't find it so I guess not
WARNING- This may contain swear words, and I apologize, may also contain sexual things, but don't worry no sick icky details and nothing as far as actually doing it cause I am not like that, ha ha, also may contain the oh so entertaining messed up-ness of my life! hurray, also it may not make much sense! ha ha
The first 2 I already wrote in Word, because I forgot about this, ha ha
August
-8th
-10th
-12th
-13th/14th
-14th
-19th
Enjoy reading my complexities of life...and unlike most "emo" people (which by the way I am not, I am happy cheerful girl! yeah!) things actually do tend to be confusing in my life...but I guess that kinda comes with being crazy about a guy you can't be with because he has a child, right? ha ha ♥
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Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 4:15 pm
♥ August 8th
…I don’t even know what I am typing…or even why…ha ha…my day completely sucked…The guy that I like extremely like…and I don’t even know why I do…I seriously tried my hardest not to like him for the longest time…but I guess there are some things you just can’t fight…well on Tuesday he told me we’d go to the fair on Wednesday cause he didn’t have to work long…and then today while I was already at the fair, he called, after I already called a lot and he ignored each call, and told me that his girlfriend…ex girlfriend…I don’t know what the hell she is…made him go to the fair with her…or something like that…I got sad…and I don’t know why I did, but if I wasn’t with all my friends at the moment I probably would have started crying…thankfully my friends Jason and Devin were really funny and got me to laugh and forget about being sad…but then eventually ------…the guy that I like and that this whole thing is about…called me again and asked if I still wanted him to go to the fair, I said yes, because I thought I was fine, and not sad anymore, but no, ha…once he came and I saw him I got sad again…but tried to ignore it so I could still have fun, he would ask me what was wrong…but I didn’t want to say cause I didn’t want to think about it…so the like 2 hours he was at the fair with me I had like on and off happiness and sadness…it sucked very much…when the fair was over he walked with me to my car, I gave him a hug and a kiss goodbye, and asked him if he would call me, and he said he would, when I was almost home he called…asked where I was, and if I would tell him why I was sad, and I said I would when I got home and he asked me to call him when I got homed, so we got off the phone and I called him when I got home…I kind of told him what was wrong…but not completely…I told him how I got hardly any sleep…and how I failed at life…not giving the real reason as to why I failed at life because I thought it would probably sound bad…the real reason being that my ex-boyfriend is a complete failure and he can find a girlfriend before I can find a boyfriend…and if him being as much of a failure as he is can find a girlfriend, I must be even more of a failure considering I can’t get a boyfriend…ha ha…anyways…I also said to ------ how he should know the other reason why I was sad…he kind of got it, but not completely…he most likely forgot what he said to me the day before...but he kind of tends to do that often…I thought I was okay when we got off the phone…but I really wasn’t…I started to cry not too long after I hung up…which is kind of strange because I don’t cry too often…I try to be happy no matter what…because if I am happy I can make my friends happy…I can make people around me more happy…I am usually not selfish at all…but because I was sad…I ended up calling ------ again…which I really probably shouldn’t have…because he said he was going to sleep and he was tired…I felt really bad for calling, but I pretty much had no one to talk to…and I told him how I wasn’t happy and I felt bad for it because I only want him to know of me as happy energetic nice and fun…I don’t want him to know the part of me when I am sad…that’s not who I am…and there were times when I would actually cry while on the phone with him, so I had to try and make it seem like I wasn’t…so since I felt bad for keeping him awake…I told him to go to sleep, but he said that he didn’t want to because he was worried about me…it was really sweet of him…but still he needed sleep, so I kept telling him to go to sleep until he eventually did…he said he’d call me tomorrow…but I don’t really think he will…he rarely does when he says he will…Now I have been thinking of just telling him that we should not really be friends anymore…it completely sucks for me…but I guess it kind of should be done…cause he needs to be with his girlfriend…and not waste his time with me…he should be with her…because him being with her…and him being able to see his child and be happy is a hell of a lot more important than my feelings for him…it probably makes me feel worse than I ever have…and I don’t even get why…I seriously tried my hardest not to fall for him…I started liking him a while back…but tried not to because I knew it wouldn’t be a smart idea…and I guess I was right…because even though I like him so much…and he knows that I do…we can’t be together as in me actually being able to call him my boyfriend…which for some reason I really wish I could…like when I talk to random people about him…I don’t like saying how he is just my friend…I don’t really get why we can’t…but he says we can’t, I don’t like it…but that is very selfish of me…and I hate that about me…I shouldn’t be selfish, I shouldn’t think of myself…I should think of him…and what would be best for him…and what is best for him may completely suck for me…but…I don’t know…I care about him and pretty much just want what will make him happier and make things easier for him… ♥
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Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 4:17 pm
♥ August 10th
Okay, first of all I know that I planned on backing off...but it's so freaking hard to do...
OH MY GOD! The GREATEST day of my life…I swear…okay seriously yesterday, the day before actually was horrible, yesterday was too…but today was awesome! OH MY FREAKIN GOD! Okay first today really was kind of bad…but then I actually got to see ------…which I really didn’t expect…but it made me so so so happy!!! He is seriously the sweetest guy ever…okay, he picked me up, and we were going to go to the park, but the one park we were going to was closed, but we still walked around in it a bit before we left…first when he was driving…he took my one hand and was holding it and it was so sweet…and when we were walking around in the park he was holding my hand, or had his arm/arms around my waist, again very sweet, and we would stop randomly and he would hug me and we’d kiss, and he is one hell of a kisser that is for sure…and he said he loved me…earlier in the day while we were on the phone he said he loved me, and he would be with me if he could, he just thinks it would be unfair to me to put me in the middle of all the stuff that he has to do and put up with…but truth is I don’t care and I’d do pretty much anything to be with him and don’t care what I have to put up with…anyways back to what I was saying…we went to another park, and we went over to a bench, my feet got wet cause the ground was wet…I disliked that…but anyways…we were sitting there talking for a bit and he said he loved me, I said I loved him too, heh heh… and then I was talking about something about how I didn’t like the necklace I was wearing and I need a new one, and he said maybe he’d buy me one, I just laughed a little at that, and we started kissing, kind of intensely, ha ha, and he started kissing my neck which I absolutely LOVE, and he bit my neck, I couldn’t help but grip my fingers into his shoulder, and apparently he liked that, ha ha, cause he kept biting my neck, and I kept digging my fingers/fingernails into his shoulder and back and side, and just pretty much wherever my hands were at the time, no where bad though, ha ha, and he would bite harder, and asked me if I liked it when he bit me hard or softly, I said both, really not caring which he did, cause either way I loved it, ha ha, and he kept biting and oh God I was seriously like gasping for air because I liked it so much, and he was breathing quite heavily himself, ha ha, and kept biting, harder and harder, God I LOVED it, he’d stop every little bit and kiss my lips, seriously this had to be one of the greatest moments in my life, so freaking sexy, he was kissing me on the lips, and pushed me off of the bench and onto the ground and got on top of me, he was against me, and kissing me on my lips more, and biting my neck some more, mmm…seriously just thinking about it…anyways, you can imagine, a very turned on 18 year old guy, on top of a girl, hmm.., ha ha, kind of can’t help pushing himself against me, ha ha, anyways, another one of my weaknesses happen to be dominance, I love when a man is like, do this, and do that, when it comes to sexual like things, ha ha, and he could hear me kind of gasping and he was like “moan for me” and I did, quietly, and he was like “moan again, louder” I did softly again, and he was like “moan louder” but I couldn’t, I don’t know why I just couldn’t, and he was like “come on, louder” again, I moaned but quietly, and he was like “louder, moan louder for me” OH MY GOD! It was so freaking sexy, I still never did moan quite loud enough for him, but it was so freaking hot how he was like, “louder/moan for me/again” I loved it, so much…God I hated it so much when we had to stop and had to go home, stupid parents telling me I have to be home by 11… ha ha…that had to have been the greatest experience in my life I swear, ha ha, if we weren’t outside in a park it probably wouldn’t have been too long before he could have convinced me to have sex with him…which is one reason I am kind of glad that what we did was all that we did, because I don’t know if it’d be too smart to have sex with someone I am not dating…ha ha…well on the way home he was holding my hand again, and we talked about random things, I got him to tell me his middle name! Yeah!!! It’s so cute…and when we got to my house, at the end of my driveway, I told him to not pull in yet, cause we were talking, and then he finished what he was telling me, we kissed a little, goodbye, and I wanted to say I loved him again before I left, but I forgot…he said he’d call me once he got home, so I would know that he was okay, ha ha, cause I worry about that boy like crazy, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him, ever…and so a little after he got home he called me, and said he was going to sleep, and he’d call me tomorrow, and hopefully we could go to the fair together, I really really hope we can…it’s the last day of the fair, and I need someone to go with, and I absolutely love hanging out with him, and being with him, it’s like the greatest feeling in the world when I am with him…when he kisses me, seriously there is this tingly feeling on my lips that lingers for like a few hours at the least after, and it’s amazing…I love him…I just hope sometime soon me and him could actually date… ♥
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Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 9:54 am
♥ August 12th
Okay, I like just woke up…strange…well anyways yesterday I didn’t get to go to the fair with ------…it made me very sad…especially when my little sister told my mom that I was going to the fair with him, and around like 9 at night, my mom comes in and asks why I didn’t go to the fair, and I just couldn’t help but cry…I mean I know he had to work, and he works a lot, and he needs to work, but still…don’t get my hopes up if it’s not for sure going to happen, but it is my fault for getting my hopes up, not his…and then eventually he called me, telling me he just got off of work and he was sorry that we couldn’t go and blah blah blah…Then he said he’d call me back in a minute…I really need to learn to question why…but let’s see…an hour later, no call, 2 hours later, no call, 3 hours later (now it’s after midnight), no call, 4 hours later, no call, 5 hours later he gets online saying that his cell phone is dead…I just wanted to say, so…it’s been 5 hours since you said you’d call, plenty of time to charge I would think, or you know you’ve called me with your home phone before…why couldn’t you again? Gah…this guy frustrates me so much!!! I love him and all, and he supposedly loves me too, but like I have tried to tell him before, sometimes it seems like he couldn’t care less about me, and he’d rather not know me…Last night online when I was talking to him I told him how I think I annoy him…I said…”if you'd ever like me to just leave you alone, I will, just tell me to, and I will” his response to that was, “o shut up” …and then I also said “even though I am crazy about you and won't give up even though we can't be together? ha ha, that doesn't annoy you?” he said it didn’t annoy him…I annoy myself though…because I wish more than anything to be able to be with him, but we can’t…and it sucks more than anything…and sometimes I just feel like maybe he’s just using me…and maybe he doesn’t really care about me…why won’t he just realize that I don’t care…I DON’T CARE about all the stupid s**t that is supposedly why we can’t date…I really don’t care at all…I love him…it sucks that I do, but I do, and I’d do just about anything to make him love me too…to make him want to be with me…to make it so we could actually date…I know it’s not just because he worries about me and doesn’t want to put me in the middle of things that we can’t date, I know that if he really wanted to, then it wouldn’t matter to him, like how it doesn’t matter to me…There’s something else that is keeping him from wanting to actually be with me…I don’t know what, but I know there is…which is why I try so hard to be good for him…I have no clue what he likes, or what he wants…I just try to be better so he will maybe like me as much as I like him…I know I am really ugly compared to his girlfriend…or whatever she is…sadly enough…I never wanted to know what she looked like, ha ha…stupid me needs to think more before I do things…but yeah…I try to be prettier for him…and I fail…seriously the other day when me and him were going to hang out I seriously ran from the bathroom to my bedroom trying to find something to wear and looking in the mirror to see how it looked…I changed my pants three times, and my shirt like five times…usually I am not like that…usually I don’t care so much about what I wear…but considering it was like the night before that (or maybe one day before), that I discovered how much better whats-her-face (I know her name, I just don’t like using it) was than me, ha ha…I wish I could be good enough for him…I know I probably seem so stupid, trying so hard for a guy that I can’t be with…but I just don’t want to give up…I have tried…but I can’t, I have tried to not care as much about him, but I can’t…I have tried to even hate him, just so I wouldn’t like him anymore…and I still couldn’t do it…he has seriously hurt me so many different times, probably without even knowing…and I still can’t bring myself to hate him, or even dislike him…and sometimes I just wish I could…because even though I would be very sad, it would be a hell of a lot more easier than how things are now…I do have a lot of fun with him, and even though we can’t actually date it does sometimes seem like we are, considering how close we are…but it still makes me feel really kind of insecure about me and him…knowing that there is no attachment there, and that any day he could just go off with whats-her-face, or anyone else for that matter, and just forget about me…because we aren’t actually dating, he could easily do that, well he could easily do that even if we were…but I really don’t think he’s the kind of guy who would cheat…but he could just do that without saying a word to me…I wouldn’t even know because since we aren’t technically together then he wouldn’t need to break up with me for someone else…just at any moment he wishes, he could be with anyone he wishes…but oh well I guess, whatever is best for him is what I want, whatever he prefers, and I guess even though it hurts me a lot, if he’d rather not date me, then…well he shouldn’t, because I could probably not make him happy enough, and he wouldn’t have much fun with me, and I have been told a million times by my ex-boyfriend that I was a shitty girlfriend…so I probably am…and ------ deserves a good girlfriend, and someone he actual cares for…not me…not someone that sure he cares about…but just not in that way…I am only good for some things…and apparently being a girlfriend is not one of those things… ♥
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Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:59 pm
♥ August 13th/14th
whee awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww okay...so today it was like 9:30 at night, and I was bored, I called ------, he didn't answer so after 3 rings I hung up, I don't know why, it's just what I do whenever I call anyone if they don't answer after 3 rings, I hang up, okay so yeah he called me back and we talked for a little, he asked if I wanted him to sneak over tonight, I was like yeah, and we had to get off the phone so he could take a shower and then he called me back when he was done, and so we talked a bit longer on the phone, then he got online and we talked there, sadly enough my mother STILL has not gone to sleep...so he wasn't able to sneak over...it made me sad...and randomly when we were talking online he just said so out of nowhere "I miss you" I couldn't help but go "awwww" and I said I missed him too, then he was like "I love you" again, I couldn't help but say "awwww" and I said I loved him too, we talked a bit longer and he just got offline, and called me like less than a minute after he did saying something along the lines of "you thought I wouldn't say goodnight didn't you?" and he said how of course he would and he was just messing with me, ha ha, he was acting kinda strange on the phone, makes me wonder if he was drunk...but he promised me he wouldn't drink, ha ha, so I know he wasn't, he was just being kinda strange, and he was tired, so I was like go to sleep, and he was like REALLY tired as in almost falling asleep on the phone, so he agreed and went to sleep...but before he said goodnight he said "I love you" it was cute......God damn it...why can't we just be able to go out gonk ♥
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Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 10:28 pm
♥ August 14th
I hate being a girl! okay, today was pretty bad, I've felt very sick all day, and threw up this morning, oh joy rolleyes around 8ish (night) ------ called me and I told him I didn't fell well, and he was like awwww, then I was like I want ice cream, and he asked if I wanted him to come over, I said no, cause I never wanted him to come over my house, ha ha, but yeah eventually he convinced me to let him...grr...and he said he'd bring me ice cream, and he did! yeah! ha ha, so sweet, and yeah, I was surprised my parents let him come over considering they were both sleeping...and well yeah so he was over here for a few hours, we talked looked at random things on my computer, kissed a little, ha ha, but then he had to leave, I tried to get him to stay the night, but he wouldn't cause he doesn't want my parents to hate him, ha ha, and now I am back to feeling sick and tired...yeps...ooo, and I did the gaia jigsaw puzzles, hurrah! how fun...and addicting! ha ha ♥
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Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 11:48 am
♥ August 19th
Yesterday I had to help my mother at her work...I guess it was fun...today I am supposed to go out with ------, but chances are he forgot cause he asked me two days ago, ha ha...yesterday he was telling me how he hates that his friend lives with him, cause he's always there, so I can't come over (his friend would say things to other people, who say things to others, and that's how rumors spread) so yeah...that really kinda sucks...and it's kinda cute how ------ has started saying "I love you" every time we get off the phone...heh heh...I like it, it makes me happy to hear...gah! Why can't we actually date!!!! *cries* ha ha...I just really wish we could... ♥
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