Forbidden Dreams
*WARNING*
Don't like reading long posts, then off you go out of this thread.
Right now i have that out of the way i have been struggling with some problems recently and only a few people know about it here Chur and Dana i think know everything... i have been talking to even less people on msn i am so sorry if you have pmed me and i have no responded this is not because i am being a b***h but i really do not feel like talking to people at the moment i post when the mood takes me but lately i have wanted to just hide. To be honest chur and dana are the only two people i have had a actual conversation with and i thank you both. Chur expecially you have took my mind off thing's so much which has stopped me crying as much as i have been. A lot has happened to me recently and i have seriously been wondering when is it going to end, when is everything going to get better, i was told when i had kaitlyn things will be better, you wont be so ill, everything will be great and carefree. Well where is the greatness where is this carefreeness i have not come across it yet. The only good thing in my life is mike and the baby and even now everything is putting a strain on me and mike he is trying so hard but everything is getting him down and were trying so hard to keep ourselves together. Getting out of this house we must do if we even want our relationship to survive this house is breaking us both down so much...
since i had kaitlyn i have had nothing but problems the same as i had when i was carrying her. a mini stroke, i went senile for three days, still am in pain, the wound got infected, healed and then it happened again, kait has not been well, mike has been put on anti depressents as he shouts at me and loses his temper over the smallest things it took great courage for him to speak out like he did and ask for help i am so proud of him for what he has done but even now he realises how much he is hurting me and is trying so hard to make things easy for me he is topping 60 hours this week alone without overtime as he knows i need to get to cornwall asap. then he comes home at 7am on the weekends and he made me four bottles up and all the huge boxs so i had not so much to do when i got up in the morning and he then woke me up to do my wound which was brilliant so you can see he is trying so hard to show how much i mean to him and he shows me all the time how much kait means to him but then with lack of sleep he loses his temper and screams at me for something like can you do the washing up please and i end up in tears because he can be nasty sometimes and what with everything else going on it is not good to be in and then he goes to work knowing he has hurt me again and it hurts him and he gets upset at work it really is a vicious cycle and were both trying so hard to get everything together but then something else happens and it breaks us again.
now for those this isnt something small before i was seriously ill when i was pregnant for those who didnt know and then when i had my daughter everything went wrong a mini stroke at 23, i went loopy for a short time i cannot remember a single thing that had happened then. then i had three falls and problems with people saying my daughter was adopted which we sorted out and are suing them for because they were the ones who saw my wound bloody fools.
Then my aunt suddenly died in her sleep my uncle brought her back but she was without oxygen for 5 minutes if not more but because she was breathing when the ambulance got there they revived her and took her to hospital. she was on life support and everytime they took her off the drugs she fitted to the point it was over 10 times in one day she fitted which put imense strain on her body yet still they tried to see what had happened. she was on the machine then 19 days after she first died she was took off the machine in the morning and we were told she had brain damage she managed to breath for a couple of hours on her own off the machine and drugs but then she fitted again and passed away she had organ failure which was no wonder in the end we told them no to a autopsy. it was hard but i was strong cried a little and coped until mikes bday came and his mother started shouting at us down the phone telling us we didnt know what it was to lose someone oh i know indeed i have lost the only two close people i was too par my mum and grandad so i know very well anyway i ended up not saying a word and running upstairs mike found me biting the pillow trying to stop crying i was histerical and it scared him.
then i get another phonecall off my mum telling me that my grandad was getting a lot worse. we took kait to see him and he was ill but we thought we had another year with him minimum. but he has had two major heart attacks this year and is now having organ failure, he has numonia as well and he is dying they wont tell us anymore than that or mu mum wont she cannot go to my aunts funeral til the day before and come back 2 hours after the funeral because they have told her she needs to be in cornwall because there is a high chance they will ring her about my grandad and they wouldnt tell mum anymore but the docs said it is not good and when he told my mum he had tears in his eyes he likes my grandad so we know these are not good signs anyway i have been in tears since i found out in the morning, day and night, i wake and end up crying, i cry numerous times through the day and i cry myself to sleep mike is working nights so doesnt see it much and then i cry when mike yells at me or is sharp because of my emotions. i have asked about being on anti depressents but i do not need them because i am not angry and then suddenly depressed i am upset because he is my dad pretty much he raised me... and it just hurts so much... i am sorry this is long but i need somewhere to vend...
he wont be here for much longer i doubt even for christmas now... were literally waiting for a call at the moment then my mum goes to see him and showed him a video of kait and he didnt know who she was she had to ask was that the baby we took to see him... then he heard my voice and went "thats sammie, thats my sammie" and he ended up crying... which when mum told me got me crying he has not called me that in years not since i was 16 .. it hurts so damn much i want to be down there in cornwall with them, with him, i am meant to be his carer i was before, but i cannot be now which i dont regret as i have kait and he understands that but if he dies no one will be able to sit in the room if were alerted he does not have long im the only one who would and i dont want him dying with a nurse he should have family there, by his side and basically I SHOULD BE THERE. were working our a** off to get down there mike has done over 100 hours in two weeks and the two weeks is not over yet he is taking more hours so we can get there asap. were cutting our ties here and i am packing everyday to get us down there, my benifits once i have everything kait needs is sent to my mum we need 1500 to go and we have by the end of this month 800 so were getting there but i am praying he waits and lasts til i get there.
i made the choice to move to be with mike i do not regret a minute of it but because i did i have only seen my grandad two times, TWO. and that was for literally a hour at a time... its a joke, im a joke... i should have gone more and now i am sitting feeling like i am bad... i wont have any grandparents, kait wont know them and i so wanted her to know him he loves her to bits... but he is forgetting and this is what happened to my nan before she died and he had a bad turn yesterday i am so scared he wont make it and i dont want to worry mike he knows everything but i feel like there is a timer beside me counting down and it scares me...
the only thing keeping me sane right now is my shop i revamped it, did new styles, did a huge order and have three small ones to complete... but once that is done and my packing is done ill have nothing its a worry how i will cope with having nothing there to fill the void.
sorry guys i know huge post... but that is it oh apart from estate agent being a b***h, light fixture and light still hanging with wires exposed, items broke and still not paid for. mikes dad and mum ignoring his bday and saying a trip back from the airport which i paid for was the present I PAID FOR IT. oh and a shirt he dad owns was given and then they got shitty with me because i brougth mike a new dvd writer, a new keyboard and mouse set and a really nice hoodie jacket thing and cooked him a special meal but someone has to bother my family brought him presents and they have only know him two years its a big joke...
Don't like reading long posts, then off you go out of this thread.
Right now i have that out of the way i have been struggling with some problems recently and only a few people know about it here Chur and Dana i think know everything... i have been talking to even less people on msn i am so sorry if you have pmed me and i have no responded this is not because i am being a b***h but i really do not feel like talking to people at the moment i post when the mood takes me but lately i have wanted to just hide. To be honest chur and dana are the only two people i have had a actual conversation with and i thank you both. Chur expecially you have took my mind off thing's so much which has stopped me crying as much as i have been. A lot has happened to me recently and i have seriously been wondering when is it going to end, when is everything going to get better, i was told when i had kaitlyn things will be better, you wont be so ill, everything will be great and carefree. Well where is the greatness where is this carefreeness i have not come across it yet. The only good thing in my life is mike and the baby and even now everything is putting a strain on me and mike he is trying so hard but everything is getting him down and were trying so hard to keep ourselves together. Getting out of this house we must do if we even want our relationship to survive this house is breaking us both down so much...
since i had kaitlyn i have had nothing but problems the same as i had when i was carrying her. a mini stroke, i went senile for three days, still am in pain, the wound got infected, healed and then it happened again, kait has not been well, mike has been put on anti depressents as he shouts at me and loses his temper over the smallest things it took great courage for him to speak out like he did and ask for help i am so proud of him for what he has done but even now he realises how much he is hurting me and is trying so hard to make things easy for me he is topping 60 hours this week alone without overtime as he knows i need to get to cornwall asap. then he comes home at 7am on the weekends and he made me four bottles up and all the huge boxs so i had not so much to do when i got up in the morning and he then woke me up to do my wound which was brilliant so you can see he is trying so hard to show how much i mean to him and he shows me all the time how much kait means to him but then with lack of sleep he loses his temper and screams at me for something like can you do the washing up please and i end up in tears because he can be nasty sometimes and what with everything else going on it is not good to be in and then he goes to work knowing he has hurt me again and it hurts him and he gets upset at work it really is a vicious cycle and were both trying so hard to get everything together but then something else happens and it breaks us again.
now for those this isnt something small before i was seriously ill when i was pregnant for those who didnt know and then when i had my daughter everything went wrong a mini stroke at 23, i went loopy for a short time i cannot remember a single thing that had happened then. then i had three falls and problems with people saying my daughter was adopted which we sorted out and are suing them for because they were the ones who saw my wound bloody fools.
Then my aunt suddenly died in her sleep my uncle brought her back but she was without oxygen for 5 minutes if not more but because she was breathing when the ambulance got there they revived her and took her to hospital. she was on life support and everytime they took her off the drugs she fitted to the point it was over 10 times in one day she fitted which put imense strain on her body yet still they tried to see what had happened. she was on the machine then 19 days after she first died she was took off the machine in the morning and we were told she had brain damage she managed to breath for a couple of hours on her own off the machine and drugs but then she fitted again and passed away she had organ failure which was no wonder in the end we told them no to a autopsy. it was hard but i was strong cried a little and coped until mikes bday came and his mother started shouting at us down the phone telling us we didnt know what it was to lose someone oh i know indeed i have lost the only two close people i was too par my mum and grandad so i know very well anyway i ended up not saying a word and running upstairs mike found me biting the pillow trying to stop crying i was histerical and it scared him.
then i get another phonecall off my mum telling me that my grandad was getting a lot worse. we took kait to see him and he was ill but we thought we had another year with him minimum. but he has had two major heart attacks this year and is now having organ failure, he has numonia as well and he is dying they wont tell us anymore than that or mu mum wont she cannot go to my aunts funeral til the day before and come back 2 hours after the funeral because they have told her she needs to be in cornwall because there is a high chance they will ring her about my grandad and they wouldnt tell mum anymore but the docs said it is not good and when he told my mum he had tears in his eyes he likes my grandad so we know these are not good signs anyway i have been in tears since i found out in the morning, day and night, i wake and end up crying, i cry numerous times through the day and i cry myself to sleep mike is working nights so doesnt see it much and then i cry when mike yells at me or is sharp because of my emotions. i have asked about being on anti depressents but i do not need them because i am not angry and then suddenly depressed i am upset because he is my dad pretty much he raised me... and it just hurts so much... i am sorry this is long but i need somewhere to vend...
he wont be here for much longer i doubt even for christmas now... were literally waiting for a call at the moment then my mum goes to see him and showed him a video of kait and he didnt know who she was she had to ask was that the baby we took to see him... then he heard my voice and went "thats sammie, thats my sammie" and he ended up crying... which when mum told me got me crying he has not called me that in years not since i was 16 .. it hurts so damn much i want to be down there in cornwall with them, with him, i am meant to be his carer i was before, but i cannot be now which i dont regret as i have kait and he understands that but if he dies no one will be able to sit in the room if were alerted he does not have long im the only one who would and i dont want him dying with a nurse he should have family there, by his side and basically I SHOULD BE THERE. were working our a** off to get down there mike has done over 100 hours in two weeks and the two weeks is not over yet he is taking more hours so we can get there asap. were cutting our ties here and i am packing everyday to get us down there, my benifits once i have everything kait needs is sent to my mum we need 1500 to go and we have by the end of this month 800 so were getting there but i am praying he waits and lasts til i get there.
i made the choice to move to be with mike i do not regret a minute of it but because i did i have only seen my grandad two times, TWO. and that was for literally a hour at a time... its a joke, im a joke... i should have gone more and now i am sitting feeling like i am bad... i wont have any grandparents, kait wont know them and i so wanted her to know him he loves her to bits... but he is forgetting and this is what happened to my nan before she died and he had a bad turn yesterday i am so scared he wont make it and i dont want to worry mike he knows everything but i feel like there is a timer beside me counting down and it scares me...
the only thing keeping me sane right now is my shop i revamped it, did new styles, did a huge order and have three small ones to complete... but once that is done and my packing is done ill have nothing its a worry how i will cope with having nothing there to fill the void.
sorry guys i know huge post... but that is it oh apart from estate agent being a b***h, light fixture and light still hanging with wires exposed, items broke and still not paid for. mikes dad and mum ignoring his bday and saying a trip back from the airport which i paid for was the present I PAID FOR IT. oh and a shirt he dad owns was given and then they got shitty with me because i brougth mike a new dvd writer, a new keyboard and mouse set and a really nice hoodie jacket thing and cooked him a special meal but someone has to bother my family brought him presents and they have only know him two years its a big joke...
Twisted Nitemares
