Is Sex Necessary for a Healthy Relationship?

[takara kagami]

In today's society premarital sex is rather common. Though many still believe it immoral. I personally have chosen abstain, however I have never been in a serious relationship where the consideration of making that step has been evident. So I decided to discuss it with a few friends one day, and two of them told me that, unless I was willing to 'go all the way' then no man would ever consider dating me, as sexual intercourse is now important, and almost mandatory to sustain a healthy relationship. This confused me. I grew up in a general Christian way, so I have always thought premarital sex as immoral, however it is also apparent that so many accept premarital sex, and have performed it. It is even supported in the media. Thus a conflict has arisen in my mind. In all truth, is sex necessary to sustain a relationship, or is it best to wait until after marriage?  

[Sanzoskitsune]

To begin, that kind of thinking pisses me off. If a guy is not willing to be with me unless I have sex with him then he doesn't deserve to date me to begin with. I also find that insulting to people who believe in waiting until they get married. With that said, I do think that having sex can be a part of a healthy relationship and can help two people be closer. That does not mean that it is necessary for a good relationship. Whether sex will help the relationship or not also depends on the situation. A person like yourself who has chosen to abstain and is then practically bullied into having sex will only have that hurt their relationship. There are plenty of guys out there who believe in waiting until marriage, trust me I know a couple.

I blame today's media with this form of thinking. Every time you see a movie or watch a show, apparently you're supposed to be sleeping with a guy you've only been dating for a month. I find that absolutely ridiculous. Yeah some people are like that but that's a very small percentage of people. Most people wait longer to start sleeping with each other. Not only that, but why would you want to be so intimate with someone you JUST started dating. I just think sex is no longer seen as it really is, something intimate between two people that should only be done when both people are ready, not when they're being bullied into it.  

[Burning Barbie]

Personally, I do not believe having premarital sex is immoral because I never grew up in a strict religon. I personally don't like religon that tells me I'm doing a bunch of wrong things but that's a different topic. Yes, many heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual men do like to have sex right away because the testosterone in our body has a strong craving for that type of thing, especially when young men start puberty. But what I have noticed is that when a couple has sexual intercourse it brings the relationship to a whole new level. But sadly when people start having sex right away, the relationship has a less of a chance of withstanding a long time since the two people have just been the most intimate they'll ever be. Flip side to that is sometimes when a guy wants another guy or a girl to put out and they don't want to it ends the relationship because all the want is sex. To me, that was never a real relationship since one person's mind was looking for love and the other's was look for sex. When two people are ready to have a real relationship they'll hold out from having sexual intercourse until they both think its time and they are truly in love. Sadly, teenagers when they get into a relationship they think they're in loved when they are just infatuated because they don't have enough experience to really know how they feel in that department. In my case, I want a real relationship and I don't want to have sex no matter how hard it is to resist because I have a tendency to move to fast and I need to slow it down. I'll get it one day and I'll keep trying.  

[Little Girls Have Guns]

0.o wow.

your friends obviously really don't know what love is.

i'm not a christian, so i don't believe in waiting for marriage to have sex. i believe in waiting for commitment, i.e. moving in together, dating for longer than 6 months, etc. when you move in with someone you're sharing the responsibilities of eachother's lives, helping pay bills, clean, cook, etc. THat's commitment. you don't do thaat with someone you only want to ******** a couple of times.
and i have yet to meet anyone who waits around for 6 months just to have sex. usually when you dat someone longer than that, there's a level of understanding, passion, and love. (if not... damn. some people are determined.)
i do NOT however, believe in random hookup, or sex before one of these happens. because that can lead to heartbreak and getting taken advantage of.  

[Milk and Holy Water]

By "A Healthy Relationship" I'll assume you're referring to an intimate relationship between a pair-bonding couple, correct?

If this is what you mean, then yes. Sex is necessary. There are a lot of things I could say about this, but I don't think it's necessary. Sex is the only way in which human beings can be completely honest, if you speak the language. The only clear, pure, holy thing in this hard, cruel, world is sex.

People develop a lot of hang-ups about sex and that is unfortunate, but do not blame the media or men. The core of the issue, the very heart of the issue lies in Intellectual Dishonesty.

Yaoi Candy, I want to ask you something. If you have eaten the most delicious ice cream, do you think you would start to hate ice cream? It's ridiculous to assume that being intimate too early causes a relationship to crumble. The fact is, the vast majority of pair bonds do not last. Humans are serial monogamists (though weather this is cultural or biological has yet to be seen), meaning that in your lifetime, you will be have multiple monogamous (though just barely) relationships. Likely, as a human serial monogamist, you are likely to fall in love with those people, but just as your love for someone is unaffected by the number before it, it'll be just as unaffected as by the number that comes after it. If being intimate spoiled a relationship, it is because both partners were laid bare before each other and revealed their true natures. She was too greedy, or cold, or violent or he was too forceful, or graceless, or unsympathetic. It is because they saw the heart and soul of the person they were with and they didn't like what they saw. Or maybe they didn't like what they saw in themselves. Who are you to say that a teenagers who are in love just "think they are in love." Who are you to say that they're "just infatuated?" Love is ******** perennial and all-pervasive. It's also fickle as hell. People fall in and out of love with each other all the time, and the myriad ways in which people love ensure that it's never the same. The love between two people that lasts for a single night is no less valid than the love that lasts an entire lifetime. After all, what is a human lifetime compared to universe?  

[Milk and Holy Water]

Little Girls Have Guns

i do NOT however, believe in random hookup, or sex before one of these happens. because that can lead to heartbreak and getting taken advantage of.

I think it's funny that you use the phrase "getting taken advantage of."

From my view, unless it is rape, there are no perpetrators. It insinuates villainous intent, and also that the girl is merely innocent and unwise, falling prey to some dangerous force outside of her control. That's nonsense.  

[MiroIsBored]

Love and sex have nothing to do with each other. To honestly believe that people in all cases love those that they have sex with is rather naive. Does a rapist love his (or her) victim? Does a prostitute love his (or her) client? Even in dating situations, just because they are dating does not mean they love each other.

These days, people throw the word around to mean just any general attraction to another being rather than recognizing it as a deep emotional connection, which I frankly find annoying because it degrades the value of the word. To say I love my husband doesn't mean anything to someone who thinks love is banging some chick at a party and never seeing her again.

Sex is not necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. While many people say it is, some of these same people have trouble maintaining a relationship. Why take advice from a faulty source seriously? I have heard this argument several times from peers who are constantly in and out of relationships. If sex was something needed to keep the relationship together, then they would not be cycling through boyfriends and girlfriends like they do rolleyes There are many other important factors that make and break relationships that have nothing to do with sex (such as honesty, trust, commitment, compatibility, etc. ).

Sex also doesn't say as much about a person as Milk and Holy Water gives it credit for... especially if either person involved is inexperienced. Someone who has never done it before might be clumsy and awkward... but that doesn't mean the person themselves are clumsy and awkward. They're just unsure what to do in this particular situation. Similarly, if someone is perceived as being "perfect" at sex, that doesn't translate to them being "the one"... they are just experienced and/or aware of certain techniques to make the experience more physically pleasurable.

The quality of sex between the same two people can also change over time... not because the people's personalities are changing, but rather because they are learning each others' likes and dislikes. How good each of them think it is can also vary depending on mood and circumstance.  

[Thaliat Everwood]

I did not believe in engaging in premarital sex while I was in high school. That seemed a bit slutty to me. Besides, in high school I was too young to be participating in an activity that could potentially render me as a single mother and a high school drop out. My school had enough of those already. I had dreams of completing college and being successful. Teenage pregnancy would have gotten in the way of my goals. It was not an acceptable risk for me. So I waited. After college I became sexually active. Pregnancy is no longer going to be a potential hindrance to my goals. It is an acceptable risk at this point.

My religion does not forbid premarital sex. It is not a sin in my view, just a tactical decision as to when it is acceptable to take the risk. I do not want to be an inexperienced virgin when married. I think sex is important to a healthy long term relationship, whether or not it is a marital relationship. Besides, sex is fun and feels good to me. Why should I deny myself such a reward after I have reached the point in my life where I am ready to be in a long term relationship? I'm not going to perish or become unclean by having sex.

I think everyone is entitled to decide if they want to wait until marriage or merely adulthood before engaging in sexual relationships with their partner. Just realize that waiting until marriage significantly lessens the options in the dating pool. Then again, that also simplifies the process of choosing your partner. So, if that is what you want, there is nothing wrong with waiting until marriage. But also realize there is nothing wrong with having sex before marriage either. Think of it as adulthood on the job training before you assume the role of being a married spouse. You'll know what you're doing and be more secure in doing it. Either way, it is an individual choice and no one should make it for you.  

[MiroIsBored]

I wouldn't say that waiting for marriage limits your "dating pool" per se. In a way it kind of weeds out those that would not be suitable for you in the first place, because if sex is something so important to them that they would end the relationship for it or avoid someone altogether because they wouldn't get any, it is pretty obvious that they do not have enough respect for your personal beliefs and morals for it to have worked out in the long run.

I also don't see the point in having sex before marriage just so you don't marry as a virgin. By that time, your spouse would know of your inexperience and be understanding of it. You also have the rest of your lives together to learn how to do it properly.

I don't think it's a sin to have premarital sex and that someone is going to burn in hell for it, but I think it's strange for people to make silly excuses for doing it. If you don't want to wait until marriage, why not just say you didn't want to wait?  

[chocolatepancakeninja]

hmmm well when i read the title i thought in a marriage and to answer that yes...and in a relationship no its not required at all but then again sex could show that you have a very intimate relationship and well that could help a couple stay together but im not saying you HAVE to have sex no not at all many relationships can keep going even though they choose not to have sex so no sex not really required  

[Slim95]

sweatdrop My response to this thread is a response you'll hear from me quite often: Whatever floats your boat.

To some, it is an early necessity in a relationship. Not necessarily because they're animalistic slaves to the "needs" of their body (as they are often depicted), but because times of intimacy are when they feel most connected to their partner. Without them, it's like there's a grand void in the relationship, a possibility for greatness that just isn't being utilized.

Or perhaps they use the quality of the intercourse as one of many determining factors in the quality of a relationship, in which case having it early on is rather important. Most of the women in my family share this mentality.

To others, it is better to wait for a long period of time. The waiting makes the sex all the sweeter, like aging fine wine. Throwing aside all that begrudging patience is an immense relief.

Or perhaps they do it to weed out the impatient.

Or perhaps they do it because they find it prudent to know vast amounts about their partner before they can share such intimate moments with them.

And these decisions are based on the various emotions each individual chooses to attach to actions like sex, or the definitions to things like love.

Whatever the reason, and there IS an ENORMOUS number of them..... Everybody is so bloody different. The real key to a happy, healthy relationship concerning matters like sex is to find somebody as like-minded as you on the matter..... To put up with somebody trying to constantly get into your pants when you don't want anything, or to put up with somebody repeatedly spurning your efforts when you want something badly is absolute heck.  

[Josef von Deutschland]

Listen! Because this is what I know to be the truth, I do believe in being in love in order to have sex. Otherwise the sex is not worth anything more than a good physical feelng. Sex is a bond between two people. When it comes into a relationship too early it destroys that relationship's ability to grow. This is because sex is, in fact, the highest form of expressing love for someone. This is why sex before commitment(whether that is marriage or living together or both) is wrong. After you are truly commited to a person, your relationship with that person can only grow unless one or both of you changes and decides not to foster your relationship any longer. Therefore, sex is the next step: continuing to express love in it's highest form. If you are truly in love with a person you will want to abstain until the moment is right. True love is a willing sacrifice. A sacrifice that says "I will do anything and everything within my power to make my spouse/signicant other happy." The media today is designated toward today and todayonly , i.e. "Whatever feels good today must be right." However this clearly is not the case. In this sense the media also never covers heartache and pain, because heartache and pain, in fact, do NOT "feel good." If you believe that having sex one time on the first night you met someone is love, than you are wrong. It is has been perverted to exactly what the media sees it as "whatever feels good today." Love is made to last forever. Lust is not. Sex is supposed to be an expression of love, the HIGHEST expression of love. It has been desecrated by the media to something that simply "feels good." Sex is not about learning who your partner is, it's about KNOWING your partner. It is a beautiful and amazing feeling; but unless your relationship is ready for it, "ready to sacrifice anything and everything to make your partner happy," than it will all be in vain. Sex without love is empty, therefore you will gain nothing from it but a physical feeling.  

[Josef von Deutschland]

Agree=green/Disagree=red/neutral=blue

Milk and Holy Water

By "A Healthy Relationship" I'll assume you're referring to an intimate relationship between a pair-bonding couple, correct? "Healthy Relationship" means a relationship that continues to grow

If this is what you mean, then yes. Sex is necessary. There are a lot of things I could say about this, but I don't think it's necessary. Sex is the only way in which human beings can be completely honest, if you speak the language. The only clear, pure, holy thing in this hard, cruel, world is sex. This is very true. However, to say that "sex is the only way in which human beings can be comepletely honest" means to say that "you are comepletely honest with someone if you have sex with them. Logically, can this be true in every situation?"

People develop a lot of hang-ups about sex and that is unfortunate, but do not blame the media or men. The core of the issue, the very heart of the issue lies in Intellectual Dishonesty. This is also very true in that we can only develop ideas that we allow ourselves to, in other words: we only have to believe what we CHOSE to believe.

Yaoi Candy, I want to ask you something. If you have eaten the most delicious ice cream, do you think you would start to hate ice cream? It's ridiculous to assume that being intimate too early causes a relationship to crumble. The fact is, the vast majority of pair bonds do not last. "Sad to say, this is true as well. However this is a result of these relationships not being built to last a lifetime. In other words, if all you want out of life is a series of temporary relationships and heartache to spare, then being intimate too early is right for you" Humans are serial monogamists (though weather this is cultural or biological has yet to be seen), meaning that in your lifetime, you will be have multiple monogamous (though just barely) relationships. It is neither cultural nor biological, it is independant and based upon the individual's standards and morals. The term "Serial Monogamist" is an oxymoron. Likely, as a human serial monogamist, you are likely to fall in love with those people, but just as your love for someone is unaffected by the number before it, it'll be just as unaffected as by the number that comes after it. If being intimate spoiled a relationship, it is because both partners were laid bare before each other and revealed their true natures. She was too greedy, or cold, or violent or he was too forceful, or graceless, or unsympathetic. It is because they saw the heart and soul of the person they were with and they didn't like what they saw. Or maybe they didn't like what they saw in themselves. Just as sex is not always honest, sex does not necessarily reveal anything to anyone. Sex is supposed to be an expression of love, no? If this is true, then how it can be performed between two people that share no love between them? This is the perversion one supports when one believes that "sex is love, no matter when it comes into a relationship"Who are you to say that a teenagers who are in love just "think they are in love." Who are you to say that they're "just infatuated?" Love is ******** perennial and all-pervasive. It's also fickle as hell. People fall in and out of love with each other all the time, and the myriad ways in which people love ensure that it's never the same. The love between two people that lasts for a single night is no less valid than the love that lasts an entire lifetime. I beleive teenagers CAN be in love, just as anyone at any age, who understands the meaning of love, can be. If one doesn't understand the meaning of love, then how can one truly be in love? Or even know that he or she is for that matter? This is the difference between "infatuation" and "love" : Love is made to last forever where infatuation is very temporary. Love requires ultimate sacrifice where infatuation requires nothing. Love is full and beautiful where infatuation is "perennial, all-pervasive, and fickle." If a "one-night stand" is love, why isn't it made to last forever? If it is love, why doesn't it require any sacrifice? or anything for that matter? If it is love, why is it empty and void of anything but a physical feeling? After all, what is a human lifetime compared to the universe? One life IS significant, if it is your own.