[Drama] What The Hell?!

[Sentama Lin]

Conversation in IM last night

Andy: It's important for me to see you.
Me: smile Like I said, I've already made my plans and I intend to visit, even if it's only for a short while.
Andy: I know you don't like me as much as I like you, but it's important to me nonetheless
Me: Dearie, I never said I didn't like you as much as you like me. I... Wish I could say how much I still think about you, and wish for things, but how much I'm doing my best to just know that, in however way it works, I'm still yours, and you're still mine, in some odd way, despite the distance and limited time.
Andy: Ugh
Me: Sorry, I definitely did not word that right.
Andy: It's okay, Don

Seriously, now, I'm really ********' confused. I suppose this will only make sense to the people who know my situation with said Andy, but, really. It just made me so angry initially that he'd have the audacity to think I don't like him as much as he likes me; I've told him in so many ways, in so many words, that I care for him so much.

Christmas Letter

There's so much to say; there's never enough time, or space. No point in padding it -- it messes up the message. Still, I wanted to initially ramble on and on about how much meeting you meant to me.

Andy, I say this to you because I know that you will understand the loving and awesome simplicity of this subtle message, instead of finding it offensive and negative; and it's something that I wish to say to you, after knowing you, with much pleasure, for only a short time when reminiscing about my twenty-two years in this reality:

You're not special, for to be special to me means that I am bound to my idea of you, and blinded to who you really are -- the changing, real, fluffy, human thing that's always in front of me. You're not mine, for to be mine you're no longer free, and when you're not free, I cannot enjoy you for who you are. You're not my idea of you; you're no labels that I or anyone or yourself may label you. Being aware is freedom; having freedom gives the capacity of love; being free, I can love you as I can love the falling leaves, or every flake of the winter snow, or every sip I take of a good cup of coffee or tea, or every bite I take of good, wholesome food; or a very hot bath, or a nice breakfast of eggs, or a sip of a good scotch, or the smile from a stranger that I do not know.

Things ever-change, people ever-change, I ever-change, everything ever-changes. There's no point in clinging to a fixed idea, a superficial label; there's no point in desiring the sunset to never go away, for, if that happens, the next day, full of awesome and subtle beautiful mysteries would never come.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: you make so much happiness spring forth around me whenever we have our brief moments together. I love the now, I love the change, and I love you, for you are free, and yet, in small ways, despite our busy schedules, you are still here, like I am still there for you.

Andy, I wish you the happiest of holidays, and I am grateful and happy that your small presences -- as insignificant or as significant as they are at times -- always brings me that same, soulful smile that I gain whenever I sit down, take a deep breath, and look to the sky to see the changing weather, seasons, sun, clouds, and many other things.

Much love to you, dearie, always. May you always be free to be yourself, to do as you choose, and to be as you are; and may I have the blessing of awareness to enjoy the ever-changing, ever-different, ever-afresh you, until G_d wills reality away...

Love,

Don

Is he... Dense? Is he stupid? Did I just say something totally wrong to say? I'm not even ********' sure what's going on with him anymore, or with me at the moment...  

[SuchSweetSadism]

Getting a sense of insecurity, not in any accusation way but in wanting to have you as a constant and the obstruction (due to distance? or conflicting schedules, I rather not assume) of it has him deeply disconcerted.  

[emmmahy]

I just think he had a bag of weed at the time xd
and that's he's in looove with you wink  

[Kaz Likes Cookies]

Being in a difficult distance relationship myself, I know the feeling. It is an insecurity feeling. It's hard. I think he may just be scared and unsure. It also sounds like both of you are unsure about where you stand and possibly you're feelings for one another. You need to reassure each other that you're committed to the relationship cause I think he's getting confused about what you're feeling.  

[God-Raped-Me]

I think it's a common human thought when people are in love, especially those who are a bit insecure. It's upsetting when you hear someone say "well you don't love me as much as I love you" in which case makes me want to turn around and say "If that's how you feel I can certainly make it seem that way." I find that statement unfair when it's said to me. When someone does say that to me I ask them why they feel that way, then I explain to them the reasoning's behind whatever explanation they give me. I also ask them "How can you really tell how much someone loves you? Normally words cannot describe what the feeling is as there is too much happening. Actions do speak louder than words, however what happens if you have things keeping you from doing those things to show how you feel? In the end the only real true judgement of how much one loves another is the amount of trust that is put into that person. Loving them regardless of anything, and showing endless support. Those are really the only ways to judge love.

I understand I may not be the best person to give out advice right now so as always you can take this or leave this, but I do hope that regardless it did help.  

[Sentama Lin]

I don't think this was sarcasm; it's not the kind of sarcasm he'd send in an Instant Message.

He knows full well that I really like him, and it's just infuriating to me to read that he said that. I mean, I knew some insecurity was going on here, and that if I could, I'd want to be with him. However, he knows full well that we're so busy, and he also knows that I'm not going anywhere.

I guess the frustration is the fact that I think he thinks I don't care.  

[God-Raped-Me]

And this is where a circle comes into to play. Things in the past have probably happened to make him feel like people don't love him despite them saying so, the only thing he can really do is put trust into what you say, this will be damn near impossible for him because of said past situations.

Really the only thing he can do is try and get past what has happened in the past, realize that you are a different person and you deserve his trust as hard as it will be for him. All you can really do is keep reassuring him and letting him know that you think about him and care about him. In time he will overcome past issues and see that yes you do care even if you can't spend as much time together as the both of you want to spend together.

Maybe send him some random letters, emails, texts and so on if you don't already.  

[SuchSweetSadism]

Sentama Lin

I guess the frustration is the fact that I think he thinks I don't care.

Oh man yeah that can be a pain. Not only the ways of reassurance as said above, but when both of you are available, perhaps some plans can be arranged to do something special together so he really feels that you do care.