The Past Still Haunts Me

[Broken_Doll08]

Me and my best friend (lets call her Jane) broke off last January. Here's why.

It started off with last school year. I was in Jane's group of friends like I had been for a while. I was in no close relationship with anyone in the group except Jane. The rest of them were good acquaintances.

Later on I began to notice changes. One kid in the group (let's call him Alex) was really mean to me. Part of the autism I have is that I don't get jokes easily and I'm a bit slow, so Alex used that against me. He made me feel stupid, ignorant, clueless, and the like. He told me to leave the group a couple times and one time he told me to "GTFO" after I poked one of my friends as a joke. And the thing is, no one...not even Jane stood up for me when he would do this to me. The whole group didn't notice, or they didn't care.

Since I had no other friends, I stayed with them anyway. I noticed how another kid in the group, Jordan, was hosting a movie night at Jane's house. They were going to watch a movie and then make a video for Jordan's famous Youtube channel. I didn't understand why I wasn't invited, considering I was a part of the group. So I asked Jane: "Hey, can I come with you to the movie night?" She said "Sorry I can't. It was technically Jordan's plan, except he's just having it at my house." I said "But it's your house. You are allowed to invite whoever you want to."

She still refused to invite me. I believe she told me that Jordan and Alex said I wasn't funny and I was annoying, so therefore I wasn't invited. It hurt my feelings. I felt so betrayed.

And then the group began to judge me. They hated it when I invited my friend Rebecca to sit with us...but I was just trying to be nice to her. I mean, Rebecca didn't have many friends either, and I was trying to make her feel comfortable. The group also said that I didn't talk enough to them but I talked too much to Rebecca. It wasn't my fault. I tried to talk with the group, and they wouldn't listen to me. I tried to get in a conversation and Alex would ruin it for me by being rude.

About Jane...we were having problems long before this. If I said one thing to her that she didn't like, she would snap and make me feel bad. We often did what she wanted to do in the relationship. She got pissed at me when I made a mistake (example: overreacted), but yet she would do the same thing sometimes. She constantly pointed out my faults, saying that I can't let things go and I have no backbone and I'm just like my mother (she thinks my mother is a slut). Every problem I had always got involved with her, and she made everything worse by putting her judgement in the middle of my situations. I never told her because she didn't really listen...and she became the judge of my life. And then she would sometimes rant about how Christianity is stupid right in front of me when she knew about my faith. She was honestly one of the first things that strayed me away from God.

The friendship was just unhealthy. It basically involved me being careful not to upset her, being hesitant to say something, and bottling up all of my true feelings about our friendship. It got me very depressed in the process...and when I came to her for support for something I did wrong (example, going really far with a guy), I didn't get any support. I got more shame and regret. I understand why she was upset but I needed real friend support in the situation. But yet she got me to believe that she was doing the right thing by being rough with me, so I ended up calling her a day later and telling her how thankful I was for having a supportive friend.

Supportive my butt.

During the friendship, I already had other people who were also making me feel dumb and weak and worthless..and she added on to it. I just couldn't take it. I was too scared to tell her the truth so I ended up leaving the group for a new group of friends that I met.

That's when she snapped. On MSN messenger, the friendship ended. She was so tired of being dragged around like a blanket. She said I was always too busy for her, I was just like my mother, and THE WHOLE GROUP AGREED THAT I WAS A ****** FRIEND!! So that means she must have told everybody in the group about it. I admit I was busy to hang out with her a lot, part of the reason was I was making other friends, another part was because I simply didn't feel like it. It was during school and I was busy as well. I didn't know best friends always had to hang out together.

So she said she ended the friendship once and for all, and she said there was nothing I could say that would change her mind. I tried anyway. I tried to tell her how it felt like she was so dominant over me all the time...and I felt like I didn't have enough freedom.

She logged off before I was even finished.

I guess I hurt her way too many times...and the whole time we were friends I was trying to make it all up to her by being the friend she wanted me to be. But I failed. I ditched her many times on accident, I said things she didn't like, and I just FAILED overall.

I hated how she made it all my fault that our friendship was over. I never got a chance to tell her otherwise....and now she's gonna be living the rest of her life believing that I was the one who betrayed her. I was the one who let her down. I was the one who wasn't there for her. But really...she wasn't there for me either. And she thinks she was.

It's been almost a year since this has happened, and I'm still not over it. I grieve because I wasn't strong enough to tell her how I felt. I regret the fact that she's gone. And now I see her on Facebook with a picture of her new best friend, having so much fun together. I just don't understand why I was the only girl who got bad treatment from Jane. Everybody else says that she's a wonderful friend who won't let you down. Why wasn't she like that to me? Everyone else loves her. Why was I treated like this?

Sorry for my foul language, I'm just so mad about this. My mom, my step dad, my brother, my brother's friend, Alex, Ona, and many other people have treated me similar to this. Making me feel awful about myself rather than good. AND THEY ALL SAID IT WAS MY FAULT! I NEED TO CHANGE! I NEED TO LET THINGS GO! I NEED TO BE BETTER! I TOOK ALL THE BLAME! Why did Jane have to add on to my depression? Sometimes I feel alone because I was so dependent on her. We were best friends since we were kids....but the whole time I remember she made me feel bad and we got in fights. I look at that picture of Jane and her best friend and I tear up inside...

How can I get over this whole thing? Every time I see her I wish she would go away. I can't even look at her without wanting to cry. It's just not fair. So many people have treated me like this and they still do.....it's not fair.  

[Broken_Doll08]

Can someone please help? My birthday is on August 8th and I don't want to have a birthday wishing that she could be back in my life again. Please I don't know what to do.
And I am really sorry for my foul language, I shouldn't have said things like that. I'm just upset.  

[XXDemonic TwinkieXX]

You are a lot different from me I have been through worst than that. I know a lot of things are not fair. It was not fair that someone got me hooked up on drugs. Yes I know what you are saying but it looks like that you did not pray or ask god for guidance in this story or did you actually try?  

[Green_Fuu]

I can't really help you much, since I myself don't have a "Best" friend.
But it seems to me like you two really need to talk, hey and if there's absolutely no way that you two could "talk" to each other then just copy and paste this thread. Tell it to her in writing.
If she still thinks it was ALL your fault; then, no matter what, you did your part and it's best to move on and surround yourself with people who really do care and support you.

 

[Broken_Doll08]

XXDemonic TwinkieXX

You are a lot different from me I have been through worst than that. I know a lot of things are not fair. It was not fair that someone got me hooked up on drugs. Yes I know what you are saying but it looks like that you did not pray or ask god for guidance in this story or did you actually try?

At the time I felt very distant from God. I know it's no excuse but I was going through a stage of depression and I was tricked into thinking that God was just made up by man. I prayed a few times but I'm not sure if I really meant it fully.
I'm sorry that you got into drugs...I wasn't trying to make my problem sound worse than anybody elses. When I typed this I was angry.  

[faithful quenga]

There's a Time to Laugh "Ephesians 2: 8-9"

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I've had to break connection with a few best friends I've had over the years. One as recently as 2 1/2 weeks ago.

Prayer helps a LOT in these situations. If you are feeling distant from God just try to take some time out of your day to completely just focus on God, whether it be reading the bible, a devotional book, or prayer. But try to just block everything out but Him. Open your mind up to what God has planned for you and rely on his strength to pull you through your weakness.

Even though some of these people I no long have contact with have been longer than a year ago since we lost contact I still miss them, at least when times were good, but I know now that they were unhealthy and as you've said in your post you realize it was an unhealthy relationship. Focusing more on God will allow you to form a healthy relationship with someone else.

Also, I noticed you said that you tried so hard to be the friend you thought she wanted, let me tell you, being what you think someone wants you to be will always backfire. Be you and be proud of who you are. I used to hide the real me for years, afraid that if people saw what I really was like they'd hate me, but I also felt hated because I was just trying to be who I thought they wanted me to be. It leaves you feeling empty inside and worthless because those people will never be happy. Be you, be proud of who you are, and know that if you're in God's will nothing can stop you.

I will pray for comfort and for your troubled mind to be put at ease. Best of luck in your situation!

And a Time to Cry "Romans 5: 3-5"

 

[XXDemonic TwinkieXX]

I am not saying that my problem in worst than yours. I am trying to say life is not fair at times and sometimes looking at the good parts is not enough. I now have professional help about my drug problem. Also they have no right to judge you either.  

[Broken_Doll08]

XXDemonic TwinkieXX

I am not saying that my problem in worst than yours. I am trying to say life is not fair at times and sometimes looking at the good parts is not enough. I now have professional help about my drug problem. Also they have no right to judge you either.

Yea, you're right. Life isn't fair for anybody sometimes. Sometimes bad moments overwhelm me and they feel worse than they really are. My emotions are hard to understand. And I struggle with knowing if God is real. I'm a Christian but I've heard a lot of Atheist/Agnostic views on stuff and they made so much sense and I'm confused now.  

[XXDemonic TwinkieXX]

Yea but don't let it get you down It happens to everyone at times.  

[Servant Reborn]

Sometimes, you just need to let go of people, especially of those people are having a negative impact on your life. Fill your life with positive people. Try not to be envious. Envy is destructive. It really is, believe me.

About my case, I had a friend who used to be a real jerk. The relationship dissolved when we went to different high schools. Recently, this friend established contact with me and expressed that he was sorry for how he had treated me in the past.

However, not everyone changes. Some people stay the some or get better or worse. It depends on the person.

Of note, there are always going to be situations, be it through people or events which challenge our Faith. I remember when I first lost someone very dear to me and how I felt so grief-stricken. I prayed and prayed and I felt so confused about my belief.

My friends and family helped me a lot during this time and I rekindled my faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. So, don't give up darling. I wish I could be there in person, but alas. I wish you the best and I'll keep praying for you. heart  

[Testicular Diabeetus]

I had a similar problem.

I had a best friend, lets call her Hollie.
We were always together, since fourth grade.
Best friends.
But she kept getting darker and darker...

Eventually she got to the point to where she was going totally nuts, she was into a lot of bad things. I'm leaving it at that.

She blamed me for getting her into trouble, I was only trying to help her because I was worried. She got mad at me and she yelled and screamed at me.
We haven't talked for three years, I invited her to my graduation thngy though, and we worked it out.
But we aren't friends anymore.

Sometimes you just have to let people go in order to move forward.

 

[emorhconom esor]

People that say that you need to change to be their friend aren't really your friends. The relastionship you discribed sounds very abusive and it's a good thing it ended. You shouldn't be abused by others. Also I've noticed you are a huge people pleaser. Instead of trying to please other people try pleasing God then you'll end up finding the right friends.