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 Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 2:26 pm
Ha, I wrote this poem a while ago, just for kicks because I was bored... It was about 3am so if it sounds a little funny, that is why.
Love
Love is a black hole in deep space.
Love is the crimson on your face.
Love consumes what we know.
Love is shot, like an arrow from a bow.
Love is toils and hardships.
Love is the last of the chips.
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 2:35 pm
Yay for 3am poems! Anyways, while I was reading it, I noticed that "Love consumes what we know" and "Love is toil, and hardships" don't quite sound right.
I would think about rephrasing "consumes", because not only does it break the pattern of "Love is..." but the emphasis on the syllables doesn't really match up with the rest of the lines, in my opinion.
... I'm not really sure what I would do about "Love is toils, and hardships", aside from ditching the comma. It slows me down on an already long line - the "and hardships" part... no, right there at "and hard-".... I don't know how to describe it, but I feel as though it takes to long to say, and screws up the timing.
On the positive siiiiiide: It's a cute little poem. It really is. I love the first two lines the most.
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 2:38 pm
Thanks Eylios 3nodding I will see what I can do
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Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 9:28 pm
Darn, and here I was thinking you were gonna go with a color thing. Do that next! Yellow of daffodils and blue of seas tranquil or some such nonsense xP
Yes, I like little rhymey poems but what the hell does 'last of the chips' mean? Is that like poker chips? I'm confused about that one. I actually think the flow is alright. Maybe add another couplet where one of the lines isn't "Love is..." to mimic the "Love consumes..." line. I dunno, I fail at poetry.
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 1:15 pm
"The last of the chips" part is like when you're eating a bag of really good potato chips and there is only a little bit left and you wish there was more or your sharing the chips and you let the other person have the rest 4laugh
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