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 Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2010 7:58 pm
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I've started a story a while ago, before I knew of this place. It's called Aqua. The title doesn't make sense to anyone but me. So, you'll just have to trust me.
Anyways,
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Twenty-Seven
Paul awoke, feeling a rocking motion moving him back and forth slightly. Groaning, he attempted to sit up. Looking around, he could see that he was in the back of a wagon. He wondered how he got there, struggling to remember what had happened. “Oh, yeah… I was knocked out by Vermillia.” he muttered darkly.
“You’re awake?” asked a gentle voice from behind him. Looking around, he saw Alya sitting on a barrel. “How’s your head? It took a big hit in that fight.” she asked in concern, crawling over to where he sat.
Even though his head was throbbing painfully, he didn’t want Alya to be concerned. He also didn’t want to be bothered by her trying to help him. He shook his head, and said, slightly irritated, “No, I’m fine.”
Hurt, Alya replied sadly, “Ok, sorry…” She looked down, fighting back tears. She then looked up and explained, “Anyways, we’re moving elsewhere, away from the forest. Eva said that it was dangerous to stay in one place since both of us are wanted.”
“Where are we going?” asked Paul, not looking at her.
Standing up, Alya walked over next to him, and sat down. “Eva didn’t tell m, she said it was better that the two of us didn’t know.” she said, trying to make eye contact with him.
Paul looked into his lap and said in reply, “She’s keeping her own brother in the dark. What’s happened to Eva. She was always one to enjoy playing mind games, but this is much more different than what she has done in the past.”
Alya inched closer to him, “Well, her life did change. Mother dying, home unsafe, and she’s probably targeted by Luther as well.”
Looking at her, Paul got closer to her, he put his arm around him. Their faces slowly got closer, eyes staring into each other.
The wagon stopped, and Gerdy stepped in. Paul and Alya quickly both scooted apart from each other, blushing deeply. “We’ve arrived, come outside and set your tent up. Also,” she glared at Paul, “The boss wants to see you. Be quick.” She left, and stormed off.
Paul and Alya looked at one another for a moment in an embarrassed silence. Breaking this silence, Paul murmured, “Come on.” He grabbed the tent, and hopped out of the wagon’s back.
As she looked after him, Alya stood silently, and then followed after him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Archive
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Part 11
Part 12
Part 13
Part 14
Part 15
Part 16
Part 17
Part 18
Part 19
Part 20
Part 21
Part 22
Part 23
Part 24
Part 25
Part 26
Part 27
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Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2010 7:21 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 1:46 am
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Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 6:53 pm
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 5:12 pm
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 5:45 pm
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Ah see you do what I do when I'm writing.
from reading it through I get the feeling you're using way too many commas
Quote: Paul ran for hours not knowing where he was going, then again he didn’t really care where he was going anymore, he just needed to get away from the town. Alya remained silent knowing that Paul would not want to be comforted or pitied, but still, she secretly wanted to comfort him. She let herself be carried by him, not knowing when he would finally come to a stop. At last when the sun started to rise again, Paul slowed to a stop. His legs were sore from the running and after he had let Alya down, he collapsed onto the ground of the forest they had stopped in.
I've edited the above quote for an example.
Even though as you read it you feel there should be a pause so close to the beginning of a sentance, it's not always the best Idea. Too many pauses can get in the way of the atmosphere. And the same with the comma straight before an and. and is a conjunction word used to join two sentances together and usually generates it's own pause.
Quote: His legs were sore from the running. After he had let Alya down, he collapsed onto the ground of the forest they had stopped in.
It's gramatically correct and it has a pause, but it doesn't read as well. the and it's self is enough for a pause as the pause is still reat with an and.
Emm, yeah, hope this was of some help. Basicaly what I'm trying to say is; read your work over and read it aloud and then ask yourself "Does that pause have to be there?" more than likely it might not be, I know I have to do that exact excersise after every writing piece I do, een then I still mess up with too many sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 5:50 pm
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 6:10 pm
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Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 6:14 pm
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Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:24 pm
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Posted: Sat Oct 09, 2010 2:21 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:02 pm
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Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 8:03 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:03 pm
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Posted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:44 pm
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Reply
