Lorelai Emma Brookwater
Gryffindor Fifth Year
I stare at my reflection into mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error
I nearly left the real me on the shelf【】〖〗【】〖〗【】〖〗【】〖〗【】〖〗【】〖〗【】〖〗
The door to the church opened with a steady creak, a shaking hand pushing it gently. A ray of sunshine painted the floor in front of Lorelai, her shadow bisecting it and making her aware of her presence here. Taking a deep breath, she walked all the way in, letting the door close behind her. It was a beautiful church, she had to admit, though she supposed this was the first one she had been to. She didn't believe in God, she didn't think, but she needed something to make her feel better. Alcohol wasn't going to do it; she wasn't ever going to touch the stuff after what it had done to her father. The father who'd abused her in every way imaginable, came home from the pub in the middle of the night with a boiling face and fists born to hit, hit, hit. Mouth made to hurt. The father who'd blamed Lorelai for her mother's death and tried to kill her in his grief. The father who'd fallen over the balcony and left her an orphan among blueprints of a life that she had always known could never be built. She sat down on the pew closest to the altar, grateful that there only one or two other people there. Looking up at the front of the church, she had to bite her lip from smiling at the irony. A witch in church. Folding her hands nervously, she looked at the representation of Jesus and watched his motionless face as he stared down at all of them with closed eyes.
"I guess I'm supposed to pray now," she muttered, looking around her at the solitary figures with their bent heads and lidded eyes. She copied them, shaking her head and wondering why she was even doing this. Well, she did know, she just didn't understand why she needed reassurance from some holy being who'd never once given a crap about her. She had purposefully missed the train to Hogwarts this year. She had already been held back, and she had no reason to go to school. The last two years had been spent at a mental hospital for extreme depression, suicidal tendencies. She had tried to kill herself a long time ago, but Daemon had caught her and she had been sent right back to the facility. Somehow she had gotten herself out again, convinced them she was better because that's what she was good at, and all she was good at. Lying and acting, playing masquerade. But she had known her exit hadn't just been from the hospital: it was time for her to go.
So, God. I hope you know that this is the first time I've been honest about everything, to anyone. I guess this is me getting tired of lying for so long. I don't even know if you're real. I don't believe in you, so I guess this is just me trying to feel better about doing what I'm going to do. I'm going to kill myself today. I know what people say, that it's cowardly and a waste of a gift and all that, but I feel like I'm not wasting anything. I was given life by something, either you or like, Science. But it was never really a life that was worth anything. All I had was my mother and Rick, my brother. Well, my mum's dead. I don't know if you had a say in that or not, but if you did, screw you, she thought, a silent laugh shaking her shoulder as she wiped a tear from her eye.
So yeah, I have Rick and my brother. I'll be honest, that's not enough for me to stay. I'm too far gone to pretend I'm still a person. I'm not happy, and I know this sounds like a chick-flick, but I don't think I can ever be happy again. My heart's been broken six ways to Sunday, by so many people, and it's just not worth it anymore. It's no one's fault, though. I'm not trying to blame anyone. I've broken my own heart at least have of those times, because of how disappointed in myself I am. Disappointed that I couldn't make my father love me, disappointed in myself that I couldn't save my mum. Sure, my father was insane for trying to kill me. But he was right: it's my fault she died. Look, I'm not saying I don't appreciate Daemon or Rick or Hogwarts or any of it. It's just that those things are too good for me. Rick has Cait now and Daemon needs to move on with his life. Neither of them need a depressed, pathological liar in their life anymore. If heaven's real, maybe I get to watch them as they continue with the rest of their lives. Hey, maybe mum and I can finally just watch the entire Star Wars series and never have to worry about anything. Of course, that wouldn't work cause I'm going to Hell. You go to Hell when you kill yourself, right? Anyway, I just needed to get my thoughts out. I wish things had been different, I do. I'm going to miss my tiny family and all of it, but I know that whatever comes after this is better. Whatever it is. Thanks for listening. Amen.Lore stood up abruptly, walking to the door and letting the tears fall. For once, she didn't need a mask.
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Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are
